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January 13: Incoherent Information Day / New Year's Eve for Julius Caesar fans who insist on using the Julian calendar.
- 1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers the fourth satellite of Jupiter and names it "Shit".
- 1830 - A devastating fire burns large parts of New Orleans to the ground. Hurricane Katrina helps extinguish the last remaining flames 175 years later.
- 1774 - Ireland is violently liberated from Apaches. Heavy drinking ensues.
- 1874 - Thomas Edison patents the pneumatic kitten extruder, which gains widespread success in new chinese markets.
- 1939 - Germany and the Soviet Union divide Poland. Germany takes the lightbulb and the guy to hold it. The Soviets take the ladder and the four pollacks needed to turn the ladder.
- 1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile which is 50% more Nazi than regular cars.
- 1996 - Annie Lennox accidentally breaks wind within range of a microphone. Is immediately awarded two Grammys and a BRIT award.
- 2002 - President George W. Bush faints after choking on a pretzel. This will be remembered as the defining moment of his presidency. In a completely unrelated move, President Bush signs a bill forcing all pretzel companies to post the notice "DANGER: PRETZELS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH" on their packages in large red letters.
- 2008 - Famous actor and amateur codeine syrup manufacturer Joaquin Phoenix officially backs then Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama after seeing Barack sipping on Grape drink with Jesse Jackson at a Chicago NAACP meeting.