Jar Jar Binks
|Fire Danger: CATASTROPHIC (delete)
|Jar Jar Binks|
|Born||Celine "Jar" Dion|
A long long time ago
A Galaxy Far Far Away
|Occupation||Fucking shit up|
|Spouse||His right hand|
“What. The. Fuck.”
“I rape babies”
“Because of him, I am no longer the most hated character in the Star Wars universe!”
“He stole my rum!”
“Finally! A bigger mistake than me!”
“Oh, we's in big trouble now, Luke Skywalker! I'm Jar Jar Binks!”
Rise to Hollywood
Jar Jar Binks started his acting career in the early 1920s, doing blackface minstrelsy. He was an acclaimed performer, winning several prestigious awards, such as Ku Klux Klan's "Most Promising Upcoming Racist", as well as being appointed Official Racial Caricature of Modesto, California. As blackface became a less popular medium, Binks moved into the theatre, becoming a respected Shakespearean actor for his performances in Mesar King Lear, Romeo and Juliet Make Nice and Ex-Squeeze Me, Yousar Breaking My Stick (a heavily rewritten version of The Tempest). From the theatre, Binks moved into television, where most of his early roles were as minor villains in police dramas. After a more substantial role in the Columbo episode "The Retarded Frog-Fish Did It", he played opposite Steve Urkel in the sitcom Yousar Urkel, Mesar Jar Jar, in which he played Steve Urkel's annoying, clumsy roommate. The series featured cameos from celebrities such as Mr. T, Gary Coleman, Yakov Smirnoff and Raymond Jay Johnson, Junior. Binks then graduated to George Lucas's Star Wars movies.
In the films he appeared in he was celebrated by both critics and fans as a work of genius whose onscreen presence brought delight to millions. This was unthinkable to the one unnamed person who was not delighted, however, so because he, unfortunately, had mastered time travel, he went back and had Jar Jar raised by black slaves which forcibly had Jar Jar's character and ascent altered into the despised Jim Crowish character we all know today.
According to co-star Ewan McGregor, Jar Jar's offscreen behaviour was eratic and often disturbing. In a recent interview, McGregor revealed that Binks smelt heavily of rotting fruit, habitually sniffed glue, refused to eat anything other than egg drop soup, and, on at least four occasions, huffed hamsters.
Binks was the subject of a recent sex scandal. Behind-the-scenes surveillance tapes show Binks apparently teabagging the Hariibo Bear, followed by rimming the Grinch.
He eventually retired from this position to be a bobble-head doll, which was advertised as being "the only bobble-head with a three foot long tongue, is completely retarded, and has the dorkiest vocabulary you will ever hear."
Run in with the law
He was arrested for possession of narcotics and male prostitution. He even sexually harassed Yoda. After having to do a year of rehab, he was involved in a scandal involving his sex tape with R2-D2. The sex tape was used as evidence on his male prostitution, rape, drug use, sodomy, grand theft auto, terrorism, conspiracy to kill the president of Mexico, murder in the 2nd degree, DUI, vandalism, masturbating in public, and a number of hate crimes.
The Turning Point of Jar Jar's Life
At this point Jar Jar's addiction to glue spiraled out of control, threatening the balance of the force. He was checked into the Betty Ford Clinic for substance rehabilitation. It is believed that he may have encountered L. Ron Hubbard, also drying out in the clinic, and converted to Scientology, although Binks himself never publicly acknowledged this.
The GBI (Galactic Bureau of Investigation) eventually tracked Jar Jar down to his home on the mountain and arrested him for killing Buick Lightsabre|Har leErl. He was reported as saying "Meesa dont know nothing about no Darth Darth Binks." He was put on Death Row, but the day before his execution, he was sprung by Bono, who said that he owed Jar Jar a life debt. An entire galaxy mourned.
They eventually became Masters of the Galaxy and shut down the GBI, but eventually Darth Vader returned from a long vacation aboard the Death Star to find Darth Darth Binks had usurped his throne, declaring "Messa Darth Darth Binks! Messa your humble SITH LORD!!" as Vader approached, confronting Binks but powerless to stop him. Vader resorted to the old "I am a close relative" trick, but Binks shut him down by using his tongue to press one of the buttons on Vader's chest. Vader screamed a resounding "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" as he fell silent. Binks now had a Death Star in his hands. With the power to go anywhere, only one thought crossed his mind: "MEESA GOIN' HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Unfortunately, Jar Jar obliterated Naboo by trying to park the Death Star in Otoh Gunga..... Now Jar Jar has one slogan: "That's BAD bomb in' going back there"
Jar Jar still holds the most annoying creature ever award. He holds the record for longest circumcision in the universe (it lasted 84 years). On an unrelated sidenote, it has been recently discovered that Jar Jar is actually Gerard Way in a parallel universe.
In 2007, in Oprah Winfrey's Cloud City massive chasm of spiky orange penises, Rimram Thurmond revealed the truth: He is Jar Jar's sexual harassment mentor and test subject.
On June 22 2009 Jar Jar was selcted to be the new frontman for Metallica
Acclaim and controversy
In 1 A.D Jar Jar's beloved dad, Jar Jar Jesus died. Jar Jar Jesus was known as the Meesa-ia
In 2000, Jar Jar was voted best character of life despite what anyone says
On October 14, 2003 Jar Jar again drew the public's ire for attempting to catch a foul ball in game 6 of the National League Championship Series (Cubs vs. Marlins). After being beaten to within seconds of his life, Jar Jar shit himself and finally made a few people laugh. To this day, the Cubs (and Cub fans) still blame their suckiness on Jar Jar.
In 2007, a Jar Jar Binks fan club was reported to have 70,000 members, but this was later revealed to be fake, as it was only Jar Jar signing his name in 70,000 variations.
In early 2008, one man on public television actually declared "loving Jar-Jar". The entire world was shocked for three days and international economy suffered, leading to stock markets crashing all over the world and is said to be the main cause of the credit card crunch crash. Further disaster was averted when the man was re-interviewed and actually admitted he was only joking.
Jar Jar was also reported to have a false identification known as Jim-Jam Binks in which he alledgedly sold Obi-wan Kenobi's Jedi Starfighter's wheel covers for weed. He also has had his own line of commercial cereal called JimJam-Os, alphabetacal cereal with extra J's.
Jar Jar was finally killed in 2039, when Space Ghost traveled to the future in 2005 and promptly blasted him in the face. This caused the force to become back in balance, and Darth Darth Binks's reign of terror had finally ended so he could no longer terrorize innocent civilians with his abnormally long tongue. Liam Neeson had already instructed him once not to use it. His exact words were "Don't do that again". No one disobeys Liam Neeson. Not even Darth Darth Binks. Liam Neeson was in Taken. Taken was an awesome movie.
2010 Senate Run
Sources close to Jar Jar Binks indicated in 2009 that he was mulling a possible 2010 Senate Run. Initially, Binks planned to wait until 2014 so he could avoid challenging a sitting senator, but sources said that Binks hoped to use the recent success of his twin sister, Sarah Palin. Palin had been very supportive, saying that she "fully endorses her brother, Jar Jar," and cited him as his "role model and educator." Unfortunately, Binks lost this campaign due to the resurfacing of his sex tape and for being associated with a man who proved that tides are God.
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