Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
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Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (Passover night 10 B.C - September 5th 2008) were an Emmy Award, Golden Globe Award and Nobel Prize winning screenwriting duo. They were also highly successful directors, musicians and norse gods. They have been lauded for their work in films such as Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Monster Movie, Citizen Kane, Gone With the Wind, and The Land Before Time. The duo consistently worked closely with other famous directors and writers. Most notably was their work mentoring a young Steven Spielberg. They themselves had been mentored by the god of film himself, George Lucas.
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[edit] Biography
According to legend, as mere infants Friedberg and Seltzer were separated from their respective mothers. They both managed to survive, however, by drinking the man-milk from a he-wolf that had taken them into his care. Because of their shared hardships growing up they were always inseperable, usually playing doctor (or more specifically: proctologist) with each other for hours on end. When they matured, the two founded the republic of Hollywood. Ever the perfectionists, they were not satisfied completely by building just one empire. So, thirteen minutes later they invented the companies Disney, Google and Microsoft. They also founded Wikipedia, a parody of Uncyclopedia. So as not to have the success of these corporations interfere with their personal lives, they remained secretive about much of this.
After obtaining enough money to last them a life time, the duo began writing/directing films. Their first, Date Movie, received overwhelmingly positive reviews from critics. Critic of television and film Roger Ebert perhaps best summarized the worlds reaction when he said, "I was stunned. I mean... we were all kind of dumbfounded at what we had just seen. I compare it to what Adam must have felt when God first gave him life. Only better!"
After the success of Date Movie, the two caught the eye of George Lucas. Lucas, at the time working on
"American Graffiti Episode 1: The Kingdom of Industrial Light and Magic", told the duo that he would like to work with them. Lucas has been known as somewhat of a mentor to them, but none of the footage shot with Lucas was ever shown to the public. In an interview before his death, Seltzer said, "It felt so right. The god of gods was teaching two other gods film. We actually showed the finished project to a couple of mortal prisoners George [sic] keeping in his basement for [sic] unicorn. Anyway, their eyes burned out of their [expletive] sockets. Now I know where Raiders of the Lost Arc got that footage at the very end. They just watched George at his most [expletive] brilliant!"
Lucas, along with God, eventually judged that the world was ready for another Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer film. The pair started work on what is perhaps their greatest hits:
[edit] Epic Movie
After its release, riots formed outside the gates of Hollywood. With thrilled audiences begging to get a glimpse at the creators of the film.
[edit] Meet the Spartans
A prequel to Meet the Parents, Friedberg and Seltzer proved that they could tackle comedy. The film has been lauded for its satire and observations on modern life. The two purposely refrained from using references to pop culture. Joel Seigel has called this a brilliant move by the two. "They've created something that's timeless", he said. "This film shall live in infamy."
[edit] Disaster Movie
The duo's next film, not to the confused with the vastly superior Perfect Disaster, focused on anarchy and destruction in a futuristic cyberpunk setting. The film is noted for its mix of action and meaning. It has been critically praised by all of earth's film critics. It was so successful that the duo would eventually lower ticket prices from "10 dollars" to "free". As reported by Friedberg, "It was just getting so big. We felt that everyone should have a chance to see this, rich or poor."
[edit] Monster Movie
After its unnecessary bomb at the box-office for Disaster Movie, the duo created Monster Movie, a movie about no monsters, but a killer and pop-culture references, in a city of Friday the 13th-ville, thing. It was noted for horror, Monster Blood, Monster Energy Drink, singing, whatever. It's been praised from critics to universally. Friedberg stated that it would be bigger and bigger than before. It means that it was the biggest success of 2009.
This success, however, would ultimately lead to their demise.
[edit] Cancelled Film Projects
Before their tragic deaths that marked an end to a golden era of film making, the dynamic duo meticulously wrote many screenplays that were planned to be made into award winning blockbusters. (You better knock on wood or rub your lucky rabbit's foot because there is a 95 percent chance one of these films will be released next year)
- Drama Movie
A spoof of drama movies.
- Action Movie
A spoof of action movies.
- Space Movie
A spoof of space movies.
- Mobster Movie
A spoof of mobster movies.
- Western Movie
A spoof of western movies.
- Futuristic Movie
A spoof of futuristic movies.
- Sci-Fi Movie
A spoof of sci-fi movies.
- Post Apocalyptic Movie
A spoof of post apocalyptic movies.
- Sports Movie
A spoof of sports movies.
- Cartoon Movie
A spoof of cartoon movies.
- Anime Movie
A spoof of anime movies.
- Video Game Movie
A spoof of video game movies.
- War Movie
A spoof of war movies.
- Foreign Movie
A spoof of foreign movies.
- Political Thriller Movie
A spoof of political thriller movies.
- Chick Flick Movie
A spoof of chick flicks
- Biopic Movie
A spoof of biographical movies.
- Gangsta Movie
A spoof of gangsta movies
- Historical Period Movie
A spoof of historical period movies
- Noir Movie
A spoof of noir movies.
- Pulp Fiction Style of Three Interconnected Stories Plot Structure Movie
A spoof of Pulp Fiction style of three interconnected stories plot structure movies.
- 2 Girls 1 Cup Movie
A spoof of 2 Girls 1 Cup Movies
- Silent Movie
A spoof of silent movies.
- Comedy Movie
A spoof of comedy movies (without the comedy).
- Holocaust Movie
A spoof of holocaust movies (without the sensitivity).
- Porn Movie
A spoof of pornographic movies (without the good stuff).
- Spoof Movie
A spoof of spoof movies.
- Movie Movie
A spoof of movies.
[edit] Final weeks and death
After creating another smash hit, The Land Before Time, Friedberg and Seltzer decided that they were the rightful owners of the title "God of film". While they respected George Lucas, who had held the title for nearly three centuries, they decided to usurp the throne from him.
[edit] Conflict with George Lucas
Friedberg and Seltzer flew to Lucas' floating cattlefarm, Skywalker Ranch in full battle attire. Lucas, who was meditating in his chambers, sensed a disturbance and immediately donned his trademark aviator sunglasses and bullwhip. Seltzer initially tried to flank Lucas, but Lucas' sunglasses onboard computer warned him of incoming threat. Lucas struck Seltzer in the knee and scrotum with one swing of his mighty tail bullwhip.
Friedberg, trying to attack Lucas directly, managed to wound him slightly before sustaining catastrophic wounds to the hip and upperthigh.
The pair retreated back to their Hollywood mansion fortress, defeated and ashamed.
[edit] Rising tensions
While the dynamic duo tried to get past their loss by sulking and eating Breyers, Barbarians from the East had been attacking Hollywood's providences. Worried that the Barbarians were getting bolder, Seltzer dispatched an army led by himself to combat the new threat. This caught the ire of Friedberg, who felt that they were beyond millitary action. In a press conference he had called, Friedberg said that he felt that "barganing with the desperates" would have "solved this crisis." Nevertheless, Seltzer continued to march his army eastward to the attackers.
Seltzer's battle plan has been called millitary genius by the worlds war leaders, even though ended up failing due to a technical error. His army consisted of the cast and crew of Epic Movie, who were to re-shoot the film on the battle field, let Seltzer work his magic in the editing room, and then show the finished product to the barbarians. It was expected that the Barbarians, who had never seen film let alone an Aaron Seltzer film, would collapse and die at the sight of this.
After several months of marching, Seltzers army reached the field of Goshen. Across the field, they were shocked to see a massive force of organized Barbarians in battle formation. Seltzer suspected a traitor, and had his entire army executed. Realizing he needed an army to fight, he called former friend George Lucas to apologize and ask a favor.
"He called me up," Lucas said, "and we really burried the hatchet, right there. He asked me if I could do him a favor and revive his army. So of course I said yes. I mean... what kind of a friend would I be if I didn't?"
After his army had been revived to full heath, Seltzer began shooting his renewed version of Epic Movie.
[edit] The Battle at Goshen
Unfortunately, right before shooting was to begin, all two hundred cameras brought along for the shoot malfunctioned. The Barbarians saw their chance to attack, and began a charge at Seltzer's army.
Seltzer rallied his troops with an infamous speech, often called the Epic Movie Address.
"Four score and seven years ago, I brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in contracts, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created to be celebrities working for me.
Now we are engaged in a great war with barbarians, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. Long live Hollywood, long live Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, and long live freedom you are contractually obligated to fight!"
~ Aaron Seltzer
Sadly, this rally didn't help the fact that the army was made up of actors instead of warriros.
The estimated 6,000 barbarians quickly flanked and surrounded the out-numbered army. Seltzer tried desperately to repair the cameras, but was hit with a spear in the kneck. Two of his most loyal soldiers, Captain Jack Swallows and that black midget that the duo had used in their films, carried him off the battle field. He ritualisticly commited seppuku and had his head removed and hidden by the two soldiers. To this day, his head has not been located.
The rest of Seltzer's army fought and died bravely, the only captive being Paris Hilton. Her fate is still unknown as to this day.
[edit] Trouble in Hollywood
Seltzer's son, Michael, was named on his will to inherit the republic. Friedberg, however, was still in power. This caused a split in the empire. Friedberg created West Hollywood for himself, and gave East Hollywood to Michael. There was a bitter rivalry between the two, and political tension began to mount.
Finally, the East Hollywood Senate declared that it would no longer officially reconize West Hollywood as a nation, and began to assimilate western territories as their own. A bloody but short civil war began and ended with a stalemate between January and February 2008.
[edit] The destruction of East Hollywood
The barbarians who had defeated Seltzer at the battle of Goshen had continued to rampage Eatern Hollywood's territories. Eventually, the barbarians arrived at the gates of the city. Michael, having no prior millitary experience, thought that the marauding invaders were just guests visiting his kingdom. Despite numorous warnings from his servents, he opened the gates and allowed them to enter.
The barbarians wreaked havoc on the city and took Michael prisoner. Altough he eventually ecscaped, he recounts the experience as having a profound impact on his life.
"I won't do THAT again!"
~ Michael, ruler of Hollywood
Michael later went on to found another republic, the Neverland Ranch.
[edit] Friedberg's last stand
After the death of Seltzer and the destruction of East Hollywood, Friedberg lost much of his will to live. Family and friends had noted a change in him prior to his death. Audiences also noticed a change in tone in Friedberg's films.
Friedbergs next film, Spoof Movie, had such an emotional impact on viewers that it created worldwide anarchy and riots. The barbarians used this anarchy as fuel to progress their campaign of destruction.
West Hollywood had been completely surrounded by August of 2008. Friedberg dispatched the 300 Spartans he had been personally training to the gates of the city. Many of them knew it would be a last stand.
As the gates of the besieged Hollywood burst open, the outnumbered Spartans let out one last battle cry and rushed the barbarians. After a long and bloody battle, the barbarians forced their way into Friedberg's estate.
"I am tired of all these mother [expletive] barbarians, in this mother [expletive] town!"
~ Jason Friedberg
With one mighty blow, Friedberg smashed himself and the barbarians out of physical existence.
[edit] Legacy
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have been honored as heroes. They won every Academy Award in every category posthumously, as well as winning the Pulitzer Peace Prize in the category of Best War Strategy. They've also been praised by the green community as the greatests environmentalists the world has ever known for recycling the same movie concept over and over again.
The duo were survived by their sons, Michael and Jason Jr. The two have hinted that they would like to continue in their fathers footsteps and become film directors. On September 10th, 2008, the new duo announced plans for a new film dedicated to their fathers simply entitled "A Movie".
[edit] How to make a Seltzberg movie
1) Never actually parody somenthing, just copy scenes with phonier costumes so as not to get busted for plagiarism. 2) If a joke doesn't work once, repeat it ad nauseum, some Pov devoid of basic education is bound to laugh. 3) Not funny + Not Funny = Funny....At least I think. 4) When you DO feel the need to do an actual parody, make sure it's of somenthing you have no right to be parodying. I mean, who's gonna care if you do a parody of Alvin & the Chipmunks in what's supposedly a parody of disaster films?. 5) When in pitch sessions, never doubt the ubiquitous power of Head. 6) Not submitting to product placement is for the weak. 7) Originality is for the weak. 8) Given that a good 89% of overseas audiences is not familiar with the pop culture icons that you will randomly place in your film---I meant "parody"(yeah right)in your film, foreign intellectual toolbags will view you as an avant garde maker of surreal art films, with them by your sides, you can dismiss your critics who enjoy actual comedies as "Not getting it". 9) When brainstorming ideas for a thread to hang your pointless skits on(Y' know to make the whiny critics think you actually have a plot and intent to parody somenthing.), make sure to stay up all night huffing paint and then huff some paint thinner to thin out the fumes so you still have brain cells to buy LSD, drop the LSD and then before the hallucinations start, go out and buy some joints(28 should suffice, with 18 stuffed simultaneously into you and your partners mouths, but there's no reason you can't get creative(may as well be at SOME point.), just make sure the joints are cheap; Compton cheap.)and lace them with the LSD and smoke them while sniffing coke(drenched in LSD)then go out and donate blood to get even more fucked up from the blood loss, then inject heroin a few dozen times and let the creative juices start flowing! (Warning: Only do this after getting hammered on an Egg-nogg/Jack Daniels milkshake). Stove gas sniffing also works. ;) 10) After your shitty movies come out and are critically lambasted, log on to the IMDB and start defending your films by creating pointless strawman arguments, citing half-truths and technicalities, claiming people said things they did not say, use creative and intelligent and maturea insults such as "You're gay" "You don't understand comedy" "I screwed your mom" etc. Remember to goad people into insulting you so you can accuse them of being trolls and always pretend to act shocked and threatened when they jokingly imply violence against you, and when an Admin pops up, always put up a "Who?me?" act and play innocent. tYpIeNG LieK ThIzS and using internet slang such as "LOL" and "Ur" and "Teh" along with boring ass quotes from episodes of The Simpsons that have been used up to the point of not being funny anymore along with false accusations of Race/Gender/Religious discrimination coupled with compelling arguments like "Get a life" & "Grow up" is also HIGHLY reccomended. 11)Make a new one.
[edit] See Also
