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your swift hands to bring her back to her former glory.
We mean rewrite it!
The Transporter Guy, also known as Jason " I can't understand what the Fuck you're saying" Statham, is a supposedly English actor, known primarily for the biographical films in which he has starred. While Statham's origins are unknown, what is known is that every single film that he has starred in has been based entirely upon his own personal life experiences. He is also known as one of the few actors who insists on doing all of his fight scenes himself, without any support and completely un-choreographed. This is namely due to fact that Statham has already experienced all of these events in real life and, therefore, has no need to worry about making mistakes. It is highly recommended when watching a Statham movie to turn on your subtitles. He's well known for staying true to his British heritage by not working and dressing only a tracksuit.
Jason Statham (the Stath) has his early life shrouded in mystery by a fog of lies, but is thought to have been sent to Earth as the Ultimate Destroyer of mankind. He was found on the streets of San Francisco by famous film maker, Clint Eastwood; however, Clint's busy lifestyle would often lead to Jason being left on his ranch with nothing to do except lift engine blocks, shoot guns, throw knives, and watch all of his adoptive father's films several times a day.
At the age of 12, Jason met his first wife on Myspace and drove to her home in Florida with three of his middle-school friends, making the entire trip within three hours in a stolen BMW. When he arrived, his friends were arrested, his exploded, and he destroyed a mansion for no fucking reason, other than simply because he could. Soon after, he, too, was arrested. His food-addicted uncle later helped him out of jail. Statham then found an Asian woman who helped him locate a truck full of Cuban refugees. These events were later recreated in the film "The Transporter".
When he was 16, Statham was preparing to marry yet again, but he was stabbed in the neck by a syringe of FoxDie — a deadly synthetic poison the Chinese kids at school had cooked up in their backyard meth lab — while at soccer practice. His enormous engagement ring, nicknamed "The Pink Panther," was then stolen by illegal immigrants. When he awoke, young Statham learned that the poison coursing through his veins would kill him unless heavy amounts of adrenaline were constantly present to negate its effects. Extremely pissed off at what had taken place, Jason stole the nearest El Camino and took off in pursuit. Jason had done several kilos of coke that he found in the car, but he realized this would not be enough to keep his adrenaline high enough to prevent the Chinese-Meth poison from attacking his liver.
To keep himself alive, Statham received constant oral sex and Red Bull whilst shooting the hell out of everyone and riding motorcycles without hands or pants. This constant substance abuse led Statham to believe that he was playing Microsoft Flight Simulator X, resulting in the theft of a Cesna airplane, which he flew out of the Earth's atmosphere and into the Moon. With his adrenaline so high that he could actually swim through space and breath in a pure vaccum, Jason was then able to hijack an XBZ7183V-Blackbird and pilot it home. These events, while undeniably convoluted, were recreated in the films "Crank" and "The Pink Panther".
While hiding from the US Government in Cambodia, Statham worked as a chauffeur for a wealthy couples' son. When the boy and Statham accidentally walked into an non-OSHA certified hospital, they were swarmed by former-Soviet nurses and porn stars. Jason set them all on fire with a lighter and a can of deodorant, killing a good majority of them, but not before the boy was kidnapped by one of the surviving porn stars. He was framed for the crime and forced to kill several private pirate mercenary armies with only a lawnmower blade. Statham imported his food-addicted French uncle cop yet again, and with his help, finally returned the boy to his rightful home by impaling the former porn star on a helicopter with razor blades for propellers. Indeed, his death marked the end of a long era of racial tyranny. His dying words were, "Transporter 4... will.. never get (sighs) my... approval (smiles)".
After paying off enormous fines and bounties, Jason began a quest to follow in his step-father's foot steps. Once he had made amends with the American government, he moved to Hollywood to become an actor.
Shortly after arriving in Hollywood, Statham found that, because he was white, he could only find work as an stuntman. Angered at such prejudice, he took part in a conspiracy to change the way of American movie-making for decades to come. By flooding the US market in the mid-90's to early 2000's with films crammed to the brim with cliche' plots, excessive computer graphics, and Lifetime-style directing, Statham and his co-conspirators succeeded in paving the way for the ultra-gritty, non-CG, and anti-slow motion "Crack Films" of the future.
In this new era of film-making, Statham was flooded with requests to do such films as "Million Dollar Baby" and "101 Dalmations". He refused and was willing to only do movies that reflected the experiences which he had encountered in his early life. Stan Lee agreed and "The Transporter" was born.
During his lifetime, Statham has collected 62 scalps and has an addition 235 unconfirmed kills. He has at least 19 confirmed children, and another 12 or so un-confirmed children, all of which are males under the age of 10, that have already grown stubbled beards and have receding hairlines.
Statham shaves after each movie. When his stubble is gone, he looses all power and sexual prowess.
Statham currently resides in The Alaskan Wilderness, where he enjoys hunting alongside wolves in the wild. He also spends some of his free time dividing by zero and has already disproved Newton's Law 3 times.