Jason Voorhees
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“I don't know why I have so many movies of me killing the shit out of people, and they don't give me any money to fix my GODDAMN FACE!!! I mean, have you seen my face? It looks like I got fucked by an Uber-Noob!”
~ Jason Voorhees On Himself
“Hockey never really was my sport...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jason Voorhees
- Jason redirects here. For other people named Jason, please see Jason (disambiguation).
Jason Voorhees is a lovable oaf who just can't seem to catch a break. His wild misadventures have earned him a large series of ongoing movie productions, in which his attempts to integrate into normal society just never seem to work out. Despite his attempts to make friends, his use of his iconic machete to attempt to swat flies, scratch others' backs, and perform renovations on shower utilities always seem to end up killing somebody.
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[edit] Childhood and teenage years
Jason grew up in a small town in Utah. Since there is nothing to do in Utah, he passed his time torturing small animals and cooking them in his easy-bake oven. His first murder occurred in 8th grade when his best friend Michael Myers bet him $50 that he wouldn't screw the hottest girl in his class then kill her. Jason needed the $50 for a mothers day present, so he agreed to do it. He went through with it and felt great joy. Up until this point, he had been confused as what he wanted to do in life. But now he knew. For his 14th birthday he asked for a machete, and the rest is history.
[edit] Carrer
Jason is a wrestler in WWF1985 to 1986, until he was fired for decapitated a Potato. He won these awards:
JASON'S AWARD LIST
- Most shy fighter
- Greatest fighter of all Shy
- Shyning shy wrestler
[edit] Long Running Movie Series
Jason's first appearance on the silver screen was during the wacky antics of the very first Friday the 13th; though this original mostly featured his comedically apt mother attempting to make friends and bond with various teen campers (though her attempts, similar to her son's, always seem to turn out wrong), he appeared at the very end as a special surprise as he leaps out of the water to give somebody a loving hug.
After the huge fan response to the original film and the character of Jason, he went on to star in ten different films, all of which he was a major part in. At one point, he even managed to venture into space, spreading the joy and love that he simply emanates out into the wide reaches of the galaxy.
[edit] Fan Response
Following a huge fan request, the second Friday the 13th movie starred none other than everyone's absolute favourite character, Jason, in his very own film. His wacky and silent physical humor caused many to recall the old time antics of Charlie Chaplin, or a one-man Three Stooges, and allowed everyone to realize why they fell in love with movies in the first place.
Surprisingly, the audience that adored the cute, cuddly Jason didn't mind the still confusing amount of violence present in the movies; though each director has promised to clean up the copious amounts of blood and gore that for some reason surround each separate adventure that Jason takes. For some reason, none have.
[edit] Controversy over Ratings
Despite general appreciation of the series, consistent R ratings have turned off some audience members, as they find this to be too harsh a judgement on the series. The main protest is that it cuts off a key section of audience (eight year olds and up) that are capable of appreciating the humor that Jason possess in spades: the protesters argue that decapitations, dispite the amount of blood spewing from the neck of the innocent victim, should be treated as humorous, unrealistic, and completely constructive for children.
[edit] Jason's sports career
Though it has since been shoved away, Jason's distinctive hockey mask once made him a perfect option as a player on any hockey team. Though he was bidded for by various teams, his first practice and thirty six victims later, most of these bids were rescinded. He also tried basketball, but just wasn't very good. He later tried out for baseball but everytime he swung the bat, it flew out of his hands, killing anyone in it's path. He kept saying it wasn't on purpose...but after 23 times they got tired of burying bodies under the field and were forced to get rid of him...only to be picked off one by one 20 years later when he got his machete.
[edit] Revolutionary Leader and Eternal President of New Jersey
A group of embittered ex-Trotsykists left the 1,401st International over a nonsensical and incredibly minor quasi-ideological dispute that they themselves didn't fully understand. In a state of disarray, they looked for a super-sexy god-emperor to embody their anti-elitist, collectivist, anti-metaphysical Communist values. In 1981, they learned of Jason's innovative theory and praxis of one-person people's guerrilla war and his tireless struggle to replace bourgeois democracy with Machete Democracy, as delineated in Jason's 1979 writings "Contribution to a Critique of Michael Myers's Philosophy of Might" and "Left-Wing Anti-Teenager-Murder: An Infantile Disorder." At this point, this group hailed Jason as the "Great Leader of the North American Masses" and founded the Jason Voorhees Society in order to promote his cult of personality.
On Friday, June 13, 2005, the AmeriCong forces of the Jason Voorhees Society toppled the fascist puppet imperialist government of New Jersey and established the Democratic People's Republic of New Jersey. That same day, all the liberated masses of New Jersey who hadn't been slaughtered by Jason unanimously elected him Eternal President, using drunken, profane yelling and orgasmic moaning to signal their votes (Hoxhaist terrorists had eaten all the ballots).
Since taking office that same day, Jason has remained wildly popular, especially with the ladies, because everywhere he spills the blood of horny teenage counterrevolutionaries, Spanish moss that smells like Chanel No. 5 sprouts upside down out of the ground. Reassured by Jason's pragmatic leadership, Cuba, North Korea, Venezuela, Transnistria, Libya, Finland, and Vatican City State all recognized the independence of the DPRNJ in July 2005. Jason is expected to eventually succeed Raul Castro, his wing man, as Secretary General of the Non-Aligned Movement, perhaps as early as 2010.
In a national survey of hot college sorority sisters, 97 percent said that Jason is the "most inspirational and handsome world revolutionary since Che Guevara". On Friday, February 13, 2009, the Galactic Institute of Jason Voorhees Thought was founded to spread his heavenly style of socialism throughout the Milky Way. The Institute is headquartered in Antarctica.
