Jason and the Argonauts

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Poseidon's aftershave 'Old Sea God' repels the dangerous clashing rocks and lets the Argo through.

Jason Pierce was an ancient Greek hero best remembered for discovering the Golden Fleece, the flagship product for the 'Golden Old Navy' chain of stores. Jason was also the lover of Medea, as well as a greasy Mediterranian seaman who went to foreign countries to steal their women (for more on stealing women, see viking)

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jason and the Argonauts.

The Quest[edit]

The quest to find the Golden Fleece (a.k.a. The old rancid sheepskin coat) was given to Jason Pierce by his evil half brother Steve Jones, who was king of Thermopidopolis. Steve believed Jason would cause his downfall based on a message he received from an fortune cookie which read "You will face many challenges in your love life". Steve ordered Jason to return with the fleece, or suffer execution by having his face chewed off by a kitten that was named after Kimbo Slice. Some forms of the legend suggest the punishment was merely to be exiled to the island of lady-golfers - otherwise known as Lesbos.

In order to recover the fleece, Jason needed to obtain a suitable vehicle and crew. To obtain them, Jason covered himself from head to gills in glitter and leapt into the arms of Oscar Wilde. Jason sat there, held by Wilde, and bitched and moaned about how he needed a crew, how much he hated goth music and how all his friends were really lauging at him behind his back. Six months later, Wilde agreed to help Jason on his quest, but only on the condition that the young Greek would cut off his own nooble if he ever pulled a stunt like that again.

From this angle, you can't see the wicked spinners

In addition to his amaizing powers of scotch-drinking and fornication, Wilde provided Jason with a ship - Wilde's personal casino boat, the Death Star. With fear keeping the local systems in line, Jason recruited the remainder of his crew.

The Crew

  • Oscar Wilde (naturally)
  • Chuck Norris
  • The 'Bollox' Twins - Castoroilus and Polyestor
  • The Nerd Twits - Steve Jobs and Bill Gates
  • Malinger (who had won the fair Atlanta in a race round CNN's headquarters)
  • Hitler's evil twin called Wayne Hitler.
  • Elvis (the robot, not the real one)
  • Dr. Who
  • A bush baby named Donnie
  • The Ghost of Abe Vigoda
  • Hylas. The guy who buggered off half way on the trip to join some water nymphs.
  • A lot of sweaty men wearing jockstraps and diapers - plus zombies and killer kittens.
  • A rabbit's wooden foot for good luck.

Jason sailed the Mediterranean Sea (narrowly avoiding Godzilla attacks in the process) landed on many islands and fornicated with the natives (courtesy of Oscar Wilde) found the Golden Fleece (more fornication, strangely enough, from the bush baby) married Medea (Jason handled the fornication this time), and were back in time for tea.

Quest Afterparty[edit]

Medea:'I said no more cabin boys Jason !'

Upon returning to Greece, Jason found that the throne had been usurped by John Travolta. Jason quickly formulated a plan to depose King Travoltarino (as he was known) and claim the throne for himself. Setting the Death Star on a collision course with the royal palace, Jason lept out at the last second before a really kickass explosion tore the place up.

"Then Jason was like look at me and I'm jason and I'm basically the hottest thing ever and I smell like sexy and once I took my sexy and channeled it down a wave vortex like in Star Trek and they were like woa ! you jason and woa you sexy then they were like woa and then there head exploded and then I took out lawrence and we consimated our relationship then I ate pancakes and then I cut myself after that I went and got more pancakes once when I was little I pretended I was Jason and the Argonauts and I was like look at me I have a golden fleece and all which makes me really cool after that I went and found homeless people and helped them to sell their organs for drugs and cookie cuters then I did e and rubed my armes for a hour and a half and stared at the sun after that I used puncuation in my writing just kidding then I was like all ya I'm Jason and I think I'm really cool and you should make out with me except if you did my sexy would channel into you and you would explode except for corry thats just because he is corrry and alll and I think I cute wait no I'm cuddley well anyway the nurse is coming and I think I just swallowed my own tounge"

Why are they called The Argonauts[edit]

Although the etymology of the term is not entirely certain, general consensus among experts suggest it comes from an old pirate dialect. Hence the prefix "Arg". As for the rest, it's probably the fault of the scots

Jason and the Juggernauts[edit]

After his quest - Jason tried some long distance truck driving with a crew of willing quest junkies . This time they went in search of the best hamburger and died from clotted arteries.

Jason and the Astronauts[edit]

Jason's next adventure is in outer space !

Jason and the Cosmonauts[edit]

Now known as Vladimir Jasonovich - Jason goes East for extra thrills.

Jason's ultimate downfall[edit]

Jason was eventually given his own TV show but no body watched it and his pimping career went down to Shit creek while the rest of the crew moved to the UK with the exception of Oscar wilde who ascended to become the ultimate uncyclopedian.

Jason eventually was killed by one of his former bitches called Medea, who organised to assainate him using a plank of wood from his own ship

The Assassination[edit]

Medea immiedatly gathered a elite squad of mercanary assassines

The Assassins

  • The Monty Python crew
  • Little Red Riding hood
  • Various wikipedians
  • Various silent film comedians who had done the "hit him with the plank"

The mission was simple little red riding hood would ride pass and offer a muffin containing a very strong tranquiliser, however Jason was an alcoholic at this time and the tranquliser had little effect, but it was enough for the wikipedians to agtonise him with his lies to the docks where the monty python crew, dressed up as old women would immiedatly beat him violently to near death where he would later wake up with amnesia, then he was attack by 2 silent film comedians who got him round the head with the plank. (One to hold the plank one to point out directions)