Jay Valark

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“Ah, the long, relazing walks I enjoyed in the courtwards of the famed Nigerian Orphanage. Pity that Valark bombed it and whatnot.”

Jay Valark is most commonly known as the man responsible for 32 murders in the state of California, plotting to overthrow the Zimbabwen government, causing the Great Depression, and the reason you can't get laid.

Many people have disputed over just who Jay Valark really is. He has been called a genius, a madmad, that one guy, the inventor of Cheese, Leonardo DaVinci, my sister, and clowns. It's hard for anyone to know the real story without looking back at Mr. Valark's childhood. When he was a small boy (scientists have yet to determine a date at which Jay actually was a "small boy," but believe it to have been around 2008.) it is apparent that Jay Valark was beaten mercilessly by his parents, struggled with drugs and alcohol, huffed kittens, attempted to play Go, and played the accordion.

Disputes of Character[edit]

Needless to say, his childhood was less than perfect. But many dispute that this is no excuse for his inhumane creulty. Robert DeNiro was quoted as once saying "Jay Valark is an evil, sinister, disgusting, manga-reading, putrid, filthy, malevelant excuse for a human being." And while such a comment from this sort of unreliable source is of little value, even those who sympathise with Valark have to admit, "He's a jerk."

Why Bother?[edit]

Many hippies think that they raise good point in asking why police forces continue to search and apprehend a man who is most likely now dead. (See Nigerian Orphanage Bombing for more details). These hippies are soon struck down by the simple fact that whether or not he's dead, Jay Valark sucked as a person. He ha(d/s) few or no friends, poor oral hygiene, created fake links in Uncyclopedia, disliked Journey songs, distributed dihydrogen monoxide and had - at one point or another - ordered a hamburger and then scraped the onions off instead of just not ordering them in the first place, like any rational human being would do. Jay Valark has also been known for his work as a co-producer in High School Musical. In short, the day we catch this monster, dead or alive, the world can finally let out that breath it's been holding. A breath that will probably smell very bad, due to global warming.

A good side to Valark[edit]


But seriously, a good side to Valark[edit]

While Valark is most commonly know as the worst possible person that ever could have existed (scientists have recently determined that he was slightly more of a jerk than Hitler), he was known for a few good qualities.

He was believed to be at one point in his life one of the few remaining Americans who listened to the radio, walked to places he needed to be, read leisurely, and did not use web acronyms (even online! wht a nub!!!1!!!111) Does this mean that the hippies are right and that we shouldn't be looking for him? Of course not. This statement is false for c reasons: 1.Accepting this fact would be accepting that hippies are right.

II.Valark sucks, live with it.

c.He has been known to associate with criminal mastermind Thane Seasunk, a criminal known for his...um...crimes.

See also[edit]