Jean Claude Van Dyke

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Yeah[edit]

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal. All of them are chumps compared to Jean Claude Van Dyke. Can he kickbox? Check. Can he grow a moustache? Check. Can he diagnose a murder? Check. Can he have an impenetrable accent, be it Belgian or Cockney? Check. Can he turn up in shoddy video game adaptations which raise the hopes of thousands of fans and then let them down within ten minutes of the film starting? Check.

The Muscles from West Plains, Missouri[edit]

He is well known as the Muscles from West Plains, Missouri. He is called this because he has muscles and hails from West Plains, Missouri. He did spend a considerable period of his length in Belgium though the reasons for this are currently unknown. The result was a fondness for mayonnaise with chips which was something the people of West Plains, Missouri had never heard of before. The painful result was alienation. Due to his odd choice of condiment, the townspeople turned his back on him. He went to the one place where he and his muscles would be accepted.

We're Gonna Make You A Star![edit]

While wandering down a street somewhere in some town a bigshot Hollywood agent happened to be driving by. You know the type, balding but with a ponytail and a phone permanently attached to his ear. He talks loudly about securing five picture deals with Miramax and refers to Martin Scorsese as 'Marty' like he's his best mate or something. So this guy spots Van Dyke and dollar signs appear in his eyes (not literally). He saw a young kid with a great look, white hair and white moustache. Nobody else was doing it so Jean Claude was really filling the gap in the market. He was hustled into the car and told stories of untold riches and big castles and swimming pools shaped like guitars. Van Dyke fell for it like a sucker.

Damn You![edit]

This gay guy was a nice man. Not a nice man at all. He forced Van Dyke into a circus and made him join a troupe of dancing bears. As Jean Claude's ego was tantamount to that of K2, he promptly killed the gay guy, tore down the circus with his bare biceps and ate every last bear. Fortunately this was all captured on tape by an amateur film-maker who sold it to some big studio somewhere in Hollywood. The film was named 'Die Circus, I kill you, I kill you right now' and turned out to be a load of crap. Unsurprisingly.

Do you feel safe now?

Success with Timecop[edit]

B-Movie followed B-Movie followed C-Movie followed Z-Movie until the release of Timecop. In it Jean Claude Van Dyke played a cop who kept being asked the time. It was a very, very slow comedy. So slow in fact that it took fifty minutes for the first line of dialogue to be heard. Before there was just a succession of grunts while Van Dyke shot at hundreds of extras with some kind of laser gun set during the French Revolution. For some reason audiences loved it. The critics fawned over Van Dyke's sensitive portrayal of a policeman trapped in a world of confusion and how his mission to tell people the time was akin to holding a mirror up to society and saying 'See, Judge, Love, Grow'. The rest just like watching him shoot guns and stuff.

Now, not five minutes ago, Now![edit]

Now! He sits about reading books, practises yoga and generally enjoys being a key part of the zeitgeist. He waits silently for his next project to come along. And it will, oh you better wait and see because it will and then what will you do? Eh? Think you're a big man do you? Eh? What are you looking at? Van Dyke will chop you in two and if he doesn't the glare from his moustache will blind you. You have been warned.

Filmography[edit]

  • The Jean Claude Van Dyke Show (1925-Present Day)
  • Chitty Chitty Bang Bang You're Dead! (2006)
  • Mary Poppin' A Cap In Yo' Ass (1964)
  • Diagnosis Murder (1992)
  • Diagnosis: Murder by Roundhouse Kick (1993)
  • That one where he does the splits on a kitchen counter (1994)
  • Double Double Impact Impact (1965)
  • Kickboxing White Moustache Man (1962)
  • Die Circus, I kill you, I kill you right now* (2000 BC)