- For other meanings of Jebus , see Jesus.
“Jebus, who the hell is he?”
“But I don't even believe in Jebus...”
“Help me, Jebus!”
“Remember kids to always pray to Jebus... oh diddily doodily, what did I just say?”
“I never did like my brother”
|Part of a series of articles on|
"What would Jebus do?! Heck, my brother's a crackhead!"
Jebus H. Melchior Christian (first name pronounced HEY-Beus/Ιηβους; plural Jebii, diminutive Jebbie) was a pretty uncool dude and the old, dirty twin half-brother of Jesus. One of the worst men ever to live, he is often placed with the likes of Adolf Hitler and Mel Gibson.
Many believe that the names 'Jesus' and 'Jebus' are interchangeable, one and the same, but that's just- are you fucking retarded?!
<ahem> If you will, take a moment to learn the horrifying truth. We begin our story 2,000 years ago, at a most momentous occasion...
The story of the conception of Jesus (also known as Original Jesus) is a well known one: Gabriel (God's messenger) tells Mary of her chosen status, she gets knocked up by God, who had to prove he really was master of the g-spot to Superman and Chuck Norris.
What many don't know, however, is that while Mary remained a virgin even after God had 'done his thang' (Rick James Translation), a few days later Gabriel gave Joseph the go-ahead and he did the hell out of her. I mean, he REALLY did her good! The details are unclear, but it seems as if his baby-batter and God's (however holy God's was) somehow partially fused, creating an unholy COCKtail that would form a truly hideous child like no other (not to be mistaken for pop teen sensation Britney Britney).
It is now widely believed that a dismantled computer system by the name of JESUS 9000 had been turned into mush and injected into God's testicles to fortify His Holy baby-batter. On its own, it was harmless, but when it came in contact with human baby-batter, it formed a deadly concoction: JEBUS!!!
The prophet Micah foretold:
"Bethlehem- from you shall come forth to me one who is to be ruler in all Israel."
He also said:
"Oh, shit, what the fuck is that coming out of Bethlehem?"
The birth of Jesus is known to be a celebrated occasion - at that time, the angels were present, the shepherds came to pay respects to the man who would one day (possibly; it still hasn't happened yet) be their king, and Mary and Joseph beheld the child who was the proof of God's love for all mankind. "Jesus Christ -- God is With Us," Joseph proclaimed.
Three minutes later, in an alleyway, as Joseph attempted to forcibly eject the jammed placenta from his wife's nether regions, Jebus popped out of Mary's vagina, which then smelled so god-awful from the strange child bursting out from inside that the shepherds and the angels ran the hell away. Joseph cried, "Jebus Christ! God Help Us!" This was the first historical record of 'Christ' being used in this way.
Three days later, when the family had finally rented a house in Bethlehem, the wise men arrived bearing gold, frankincense, and myrrh for the child Jesus. They also brought a plastic bag in case Mary wished to dispose of the demon Jebus, but she declined, curious to see if God had a plan for him, believing him to be a gift.
Later, as they were fleeing from the massacre of infants in Bethlehem ordered by King Herod (having been warned in a dream by Gabriel), Joseph, thinking fast, threw the now six-day-old Jebus into the dumpster there, and fled. This is the earliest-known historical record of an attempted abortion. Upon the family's return from Egypt, Jebus was still alive, having lived on garbage, glass, and crack.
When the two (Jesus and Jebus) were 12, the family went down to Jerusalem, during which Jesus became separated from his parents. Later, Joseph and Mary found Jesus in the synagogue talking to the teachers of the law, where, surprised, he asked them, "Wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business?" They also found Jebus, and, after 12 years (to Joseph's dismay), he was selling crack in the town square, to which he replied, "Wist ye not that I must be about my mother's business?" And Joseph was not proud, for his wife indeed sold much crack.
Jesus grew, during his teenage years, into a wise young man, obedient to his parents, hard-working, and versed in the Hebrew scriptures.
Jebus sold crack. Oh, and he worshipped Satan, which was odd because Christianity had not yet stolen the idea of an evil Satan from Persian mythology. As there was no 'satanic' music back then, he instead enjoyed reading aloud Isaiah Chapter 14 over and over: How art thou fallen from heaven, oh Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!"
Jebus and Jesus did very differently in school. Jesus was very hard working and never hung out with the bad students. Jebus on the other hand was not very hard working, always cheated off Jesus. He hung out with bad kids all the time and started drinking and smoking crack and marijuana at age 7. He was also a trysexual.
Jebus was a complete fuck up as a miracle worker. He was at a party with Jesus, when Jesus turned water into wine. Jebus, jealous of his brother, tried to do the same with another pitcher of water intead he turned it into a very strong poison that killed 10 people.
Jebus tried to heal a blind man, he then found out the guy wasn't blind he was just sleeping. Jebus effectively turned the regular guy into to blind man.
Jebus also tried to heal a sick child, he was able to heal the child. But, he did it wrong so the child got Leperacy and died.
Jebus the Ladies man
Jebus by age 15 had sex with every woman in Judea, he had contracted Herpes, Gonorrhea, Syphillus, and Crabs. He then decided to become a man whore on the side, while dealing crack. Jebus was the best giggolo in the whole Roman Empire, he was said to have invented half the positions in the Kama Sutra (originally submitted to the Catholic Church as the "Book of Jebus") and the Portuguese Breakfast. He was able to pay all of his debts, but then spent all of his money on crack which he smoked, instead of selling.
Jesus began his ministry at age 30. One of his first sermons, the Sermon on the Mount, was attended by Jebus. Jebus, now middle-aged, still selling crack (with the help of his semi-psychic abilities and small miracles) and a failure at life, was almost moved by his brother's words: "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth." It almost made Jebus feel like he could have hope, he could live a new life... no, I'm dicking with you; he sold the meek crack because they were weak and easy to get addicted to this shit. He also preached to them -- get this -- the "Sermon on Mounting". Hope God attended for some lessons on next time he wants to conceive a Messiah! Hoo baby! Am I right?? C'mon gimme some love here kids.
All right, now while Jesus was being cool and kind-hearted, Jebus made some friends that got him into a lot of trouble. In 33 AD, Jesus was arrested in the arrow-shooting death of Lazarus, a member of a rival gang. Jesus was defended by his mom and was eventually acquitted due to his bringing Lazarus back to life, so everything was cool. It was later revealed that Lazarus was in fact shot by Jebus, but he didn't get away with it. He wasn't Jesus! See, Jesus was a cool guy; he'd never kill anybody! Never!
The Worst Story Ever Told - With Pictures!
Here are some highlights of the dichotomy between the next few months of Jesus's and Jebus's lives:
While Jesus did miracles like walking on water, healing the sick, and multiplying food...
...Jebus did this shit. That's right, he made really crappy photoshops.
...while Jebus led a posse as their gang leader. "I'm hit!".
Jesus taught the children good sportsmanship and health...
...while Jebus pitted them against each other in hand-to-hand (or knife-to-hand) combat in the really crummy Roman aquaducts for crack money. "Yeee-ouch!"
The Final Week
So three months go by and nothing really changes -- but as we know, Jesus had a job to finish. His final week having arrived, he triumphantly enters the city of Jerusalem on a donkey or two to the crowd's palm-waving delight.
That afternoon, Jebus also enters the city of Jerusalem, dragged behind the donkey cart of a supplier he had recently ripped off. He uses a level one plague to escape, and that night finds himself at the local bar getting wasted off cheap beer (turned into cheap wine by his half-assed miracles), ranting about his brother. A man at the bar mentions that he's rented his upstairs out for a supper Jesus and the disciples were having, so Jebus, at BAC .8 and still standing - a greater miracle than Jesus ever performed - decides to stop by.
He stops long enough to scrawl a message in his own feces and urinate on the window before leaving unseen. By now he is peeing blood, a side effect of alcohol poisoning.
That night, Jesus prays in the garden of Gethsamane, "Father, if you wish, take this cup of suffering from me. Yet I want your will, not mine." Jebus prays something similar as he kneels hunched over a crapper hole -- "FUCK, SATAN LET'S MAKE A DEAL!!! MAKE THIS SHIT STOP!!! MY PISS BURNS!!!"
As Jesus is betrayed by Judas into the hands of the men of the high priest and led away to stand trial, Jebus finds himself by chance following the same crowd as he wanders the streets in a blurry haze, practically inches away from unconsiousness. As Jesus stands before Pilate, the mob (led by the Sanhedrin) decides to have Barabbas released and Jesus take his place. Jebus is unaware that his brother is standing there, but he does recognize Barabbas, a rival gangsta. So, Jebus leaves the crowd and bludgeons Barabbas with his forehead, which by then is completely numb.
Jebus, after that senseless act of violence, now has to take a monster piss, so he enters the building there and finds the balcony. Meanwhile, below, as Jesus is lead away to Golgotha, Pilate takes a bowl of water and washes his hands in front of the crowd, symbolically stating, "I am innocent of this man's blood. It is your responsibility!" All the people cry, "Let his blood be on us and on our children!" At that moment, Jebus sprays the entire crowd with his bloody urine, thus partially fulfilling their words.
Jebus is then arrested by Roman guards (due to the piss-shower) and gets beaten at the same time Jesus is. Jesus is flogged with a glass-tipped whip and mocked, while Jebus is arrow-whipped and forced to suck his own cock (apparently under the misconception he's getting crack for it). Jebus can't feel a thing, which makes his Passion not so Passionate. He is also partially covered in feces and urine.
After being let off with a stern bitch-slap, Jebus stumbles up with the crowd to Golgotha, where his twin half-brother and the two thieves are crucified. At this point Jebus's "visage was marred more than any man, and his form more than the sons of man" -- actually, no, he's just been through some bad shit... his own. Jebus gets a bright thought for a moment, so he pisses on one of the two thieves's crosses and lights it on fire (his urine being 80% alcohol now). This is the first historical record of a cross-burning. The crowd is greatly entertained by him.
Jebus finally realizes his brother is crucified on the cross there -- which he vaguely knew would happen, what with his semi-psychic powers -- and feels a sense of something, maybe respect, at his brother's willingness to die for something (besides crack). He approaches the cross to speak to Jesus, and hears some of his last words: "Dude, I can see our house from here."
Before leaving the scene, Jebus manages to hear Jesus tell Mary that the disciple whom Jesus loved is her son now and she is his mother, so the disciple takes her into her home. So Jebus sees an opportunity. Setting out for his old home in Nazareth, once there he brutally ass-rapes an now-elderly Joseph with his blade of steel. Joseph's weak, scrawny butt cannot handle the long, strong rod being forced through the hole in it, and a gush of blood spouts up. Satisfied, Jebus leaves Joseph to die, then sells the house to the nearest necrophile for crack money. Before passing out on a sheet in an alleyway, Jebus scores with Mary Magdeline, thus proving that he was a total douchebag.
Jesus is laid in a tomb in a garden near Golgotha while Jebus lies passed out in that alleyway. They both rise again three days later; Jesus from death and without any feeling, cleaner than the snow and having a small craving for a bit of bread and fish, Jebus from his drunken stupor and feeling tremendous pain in his dick, possibly needing a shower and having a hankering for his bong. Jesus appears to over 500 people over the next 40 days before his ascension, while Jebus appears to over 5,000 people naked that morning as he stumbles, thoroughly hung-over, through Nazareth and on to Jerusalem.
As word spreads of his twin half-brother's resurrection, Jebus once again resents him -- "always showing up when nobody fucking wants him!" But he sets to work, using his resemblance to his brother to trick people into thinking he is the risen Christ, then baptising them (in this case, drowning them in his bloody piss), and taking all their money.
The second theory: Jebus is on a holiday in the land of the Gauls. His bore hunting has given him holes in his hands and feet, and a spear wound inflicted next to his liver by a Roman centurion. On the day that Jesus was supposedly to resurrect, Jebus returns, and is mistaken for the resurrected Jesus. Jebus tricks people into thinking he is the risen Christ, then baptizes them (in this case, drowning them in his bloody piss), and taking all their money. The Vatican tries to hide the truth from a group of atheist Greek philosophers, this causes a divide between the middle-eastern people, leading up to current day continuing wars in the middle-eastern area.
“Before we can study the central issues of life today, we must destroy Jebus.”
By the time Jesus ascends to Heaven, Jebus has killed and robbed five Roman Senators, four Roman centurions, three Sadduccees, two members of the Sanhedrin, and one poor old man who was only trying to receive the Holy Spirit. Hence, most of Judea is out to get Jesus as He is taken up. One elderly man attempts to latch on to Jesus and actually bites His holy ankle, but he bumps his head on a cloud and falls to his death.
The crowd, now covered in intestinal gunk, proceeds to physically attack the Disciples and throws rocks at the two angels who fly down to announce that Jesus would one day come again. It gets very violent, and the Disciples wouldn't have made it out had not Jebus been passing by that very moment. Yelling out, "What's up, y'all bitches?", the sound of the bling-covered Jebus's voice ends the conflagration instantly.
The people stare at him for a moment, confused at who they think is Jesus having magically reappeared, looking both filthy and rich, after ascending up into the clouds. They can't understand it, and it probably would have stayed that way for a long time had not Lazarus (the member of the rival gang who had been shot by Jebus and resurrected by Jesus) been in the crowd. Recognizing the mofo who'd put an arrow cap in his ass, he shouts, "It's that Jebus bitch!" With a roar, the entire mob rushes Jebus, however God somehow, who was on crack himself at the time, magically brings him Jebus up into heaven, just like Jesus, before the crowd get the chance to stampede him to pieces. As he is ascending, Jebus does one last piss on the crowd.
Where Are They Now?
As of now, Jebus resides in Heaven, where a gang-like feud between his spirit posse and Jesus's angelic posse -- "a gigantic, holy gang war", if you will -- goes on today (even angels love crack, but oddly not angel dust).
In the year 2009, which is, like, next year, Jebus and Jesus will return to Earth to face off in a game of foosball. Jebus will most likely win a close one over Jesus, as Jesus will be weakened from his battle with Ultra Christ and therefore he will have a limited amount of bejesus. It's in Revelations people! This event is precisely what the cult prophet Sid Meier predicted would occur at the very end of civilization (see: Civilization III)
Jebus, now owner of the Universe, hands it over to that fat bitch Oprah Winfrey for crack money. She then destroys the Universe through heat death from toasting too many waffles in her microwave. Damn you, Eggo! Leg'go!
Then approximately 1000 years later, in the year 3010, Bob will suddenly become God; but, by then, does it really fucking matter, anyway, unless he recreates the universe and us (and crack?) And how does that damn fine Sophia fit into the equation?
Despite all that future shit, Jebus has a small but loyal following of D&Ders who reportedly worship him by grabbing their Player's Handbooks and bowing in the direction of Microsoft headquarters at exactly 3 o'clock. Many have registered confusion seeing as how Jebus was a cracksta, not a DM.
A Je-bus is a bus driven my a man/woman/nonsexual who looks/talks/smells like the big Jesus man himself. Recommended song (to the tune of Waltzing Matilda):
- Pray to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver
- Pray to the bus driver, bus driver man
- He prays through the day,
- And he prays through the night, and
- When he comes back, he is covered in sand!