Jedi

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Jedi Master)
Jump to: navigation, search
"I've had it with these mother-fucking sith on this mother-fucking Delta-7 Aethersprite-class light interceptor!!!"

The Jedi Order or Geoff Evans was a cult of awesome, escaped circus freaks whose mothers dressed them funny. Named after their supreme deity, Cousin Geoff, their primary belief revolved around "The Force" and delusions of acrobatic jumps, swordplay and mind control. These myths were promulgated by their propaganda film series "Star Wars". Sadly, they had no such abilities and were massacred one night by bored, drunken Stormtroopers who enjoyed "Jedi-trolling" for a lark.

Geoff Evans is the full founding father of the jedi order and the first half sith half jedi master. Ever. If this is even possible.

The word Jedi is derived from the ancient Punic words jedee (je-dee) meaning Geoff and dia meaning deliberation (or debating) making Jedi the master debaters of the Carthaginian lands of Corsica. The name was given due to their great powers of persuasion, as they were often used as diplomats in times of conflict. So a Jedi was a great debater that follows the teachings of the ancient Carthaginian people (in case your wondering, it's a cult). Modern Jedi however have begun to change that definition.

Jedi is now the main religion in Germany, ahead of Islam and Christianity, as more people believe the crap that they teach than they believe the pope with his equally ridiculous claims. All of their religious teachings are 100% true, despite some silly conspiracy theorists who still maintain that Christianity is the correct religion. Yes they believe that Jedi claims are false, even though we all saw that they did happen in the movies. They claim that our eyes were deceiving us when we saw those films and what we should actually believe in is a large beardy man who lives on a cloud.

List of Force Powers[edit]

  • Force Face A Splode
  • Force Roundhouse Kick
  • Writing Economics Books

Location[edit]

Babies are no match for the Jedi powers of young Obi-Wan-Kenobi!

and Qui-Gon-Geoff Jedi can be found in a galaxy not too far away if you take a right after you leave the Local Group of galaxies. Then you go straight toward the large black hole to your immediate left. You will be taken to a planet called Coruscant and from there you are on your own.

It is recommended that you pick up a box of Golden Oreos before your trip, they may come very handy to dip upon leaving the "Milky-Way".

It has been rumoured that some jedi have been seen near San Francisco, California and also in Auckland, New Zealand.

Today's Jedi about town[edit]

Modern Jedi can be characterised by three things at the core of their beliefs, the Force and Star Wars programming, and the utility of towels. Some modern Jedi have even moved away from their traditional role of diplomat into simply being people that don't seek confrontation, moving into the roles of musicians, programmers and politicians. Others have fallen to the dark side and use fetishes instead of light sabers to persuade people. Amongst their likes are bacon butties, brown sauce and tits. Their dislikes include people who try to take over the galaxy and Moss Bros. They really however enjoy trolling on jedi forums about how much the force has helped them in the past, such incidents are referred to as "My fingers opened the box of cereal, it was the force!" and also not to forget the line "I touched my penis, and all of the sudden there was white liquid in my toilet! It was the force!"

The Force[edit]

Ain't It Cool News' Harry Knowles in full Rebel Alliance costume scarfs down a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken as he watches Jedi-on-Sith "action".


A devout Jedi gains power over others through "The Force". When a Jedi is truly powerful, he can tell people the craziest things and they'll believe them.

Such classics include:

"something something something dark side!.. something something something complete!.." - supreme ruler of the galaxy. The Emperor...

"Greetings Griffin" - apprentice Geoff Supreme God Evans

"These aren't the droids you're looking for." - All the while the droids they are looking for are right there.

"Greetings Griffin ." - While the sweaty jedi is surrounded by woman

"Greetings Griffin I did not have sexual relations with that woman." - While all evidence points otherwise.

"You will ignore my mind tricks." - Which generally causes the victim's head to explode, and the Jedi to feast upon his brains, and take home what he cannot eat in a doggie bag.

"We will be greeted in Iraq as liberators!" - Said in 2003 by the former Jedi apprentice Darth Cheney

"Honestly ossifer, I am totally OK to drive this here vehicule" - Mind trick FAIL!!!!

"No, your ass does not look huge in that dress, and your boobs are not about to fall out of the aforementioned dress" - A common mind trick in the repertoire of most men.

"Greetings Griffin I am not a crook" Said to the american population about spying on the rebel alliance Supreme Sith Lord Nixon

"Greetings Griffin I'm not a batty boi, honest." - Said by Tom Cruise

"Greetings Griffin I iz down wif da kidz an' ting, innit, for reeeeal" - A favourite proclamation of Tim Westwood

"Greetings Griffin Cocaine's one hell of a drug! / I'm Rick James Bitch!"" - Said by known jedi Rick James

"Greetings Griffin I didn't murder nobody, but if I DID murder somebody, this is how I'd have done it. HADOUKEN!" - The infamous O.J. Simpson mind trick.

"My lightsaber Is Huge"- Said When Jedi's Cock is not huge.

"GREETINGS GRIFFIN, THIS IS SPARTA!"- Said by Spartan jedi

"Greetings Griffin, you want to know the truth? You can't handle the truth!" said by jedi lawyers on a daily basis

"Greetings Griffin, I want to take these refugees to Coruscant" - Said by Obi Wan. What he really meant was 'I want to take these people onboard that ship and have a huge fetish party

"Greetings Griffin, the rebel base is on Dantooine" - Said by that girl with the stupid hair.

"Greetings Griffin, enough is enough! I've had it with these Motherfucking Sith in this Motherfucking republic!" - Said by Sam L. Jedi.

"Greetings Griffin, I didn't touch that youngling" - Said by Master Jackson almost every hour.

"The internet, it's a series of tubes!"- Alaskan Jedi before being beheaded at the hands of Darth Al Gore

"ITS OVER 9000!" Darth Vegita

"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" - said by the dark Sith Lord G. W. Bushius (he was totaly pwned)

"its never gonna give you up. its never gonna let you down" - Jedi Master Rick Astley

"I wish I could F*** every girl in the world" - Padawan Lil Wayne

After the Empire took over, galactic vocab guidelines were re-written so that "The Force" is now known as "The Service".

General Disposition[edit]

Yoda issues harsh insults to help train his recruits.

"Truth, justice, and illuminating swords."- The Jedi Code

Historically Jedi are known for being peaceful, screwy, and kindly stewards of justice and righteous defenders of truth; however during times of conflict they are known for their outrageous acrobatic fighting - which borders on breakdancing - lightning coming out of their fingers and being completely indestructible when facing any non-Sith opponent, unless their character is only two dimensional and lacking any real back story, in which case they're fucked. An exception to this rule of thumb is when they face off against a clone trooper, who appear to be indestructible when fighting any Jedi except Obi-One Kendoll and Master Yogurt. It is assumed that the shiny-ness of their armour blinds the Jedi and thus makes them vulnerable.

The smaller the traditional Jedi, the more powerful he is. Master Geoff Evans and Luke Skywalker are both tiny people and traditional Jedi of great power. At the opposite, there is Darth Vader who is quite tall, but sold himself to the Satan for a packet of froot loops and a night within the missus.

When a Jedi has higher ground, he cannot be defeated in battle. This is true no matter how small the vertical advantage. Higher ground gives a jedi +5 agility.

Of late, there have also been many complaints and protests against excessive force in the Jedi police state and violations of the Geneva Conventions, as the Jedi, despite their superior abilities and indestructibility, take no prisoners in battle nor have any record of ever disabling a weaker foe by non-lethal means (for case law, see the wrongful death grievance in Mace Windu vs. the Heirs of Jango Fett, in which the court awarded each of the 1.2 million plaintiffs $2.15 (or a week in the Big Brother house) each).

Jedi and Sith[edit]

There are two sides to being a Jedi; traditional Jedi are really swell guys who will persuade a bartender that your tab is paid up, while the renegade faction the Sith are really cool guys who will gladly kill off your superior officer to get you a promotion.

Jedis who fall under the influence of the Dark side of the force may become Sith, because Jedi follow the... uh... "Shiny" side of the force, but they don't like to mention it very often.

The reason the "Dark Side" is so persuasive towards the jedi is that it promises milk and cookies and now also having marshmallows and having the ability to shoot lightning from your hand.

It is also said that the dark side gives you the power to deal with constipation without pain whatsoever.While the "Shiny-super-mega" side, gives you hemorrhoids and possible intestinal impaction if no laxatives are used. Basicaly you are screwed, since the "Shiny" side of the force teaching's forbids the use of laxatives,because they are made by the Corporate Laxative conglomerate/monopoly, which is owned 90% by the Sith. (Poor Yoda,no wonder he ate diluted minestrone that Luke hated so much.Yes,to practice the "force" on the crapper.).

The Light side (or the ...Shiny side of the force *sigh*) gives you the ability to transform in to pure form of energy when you die. The gambit is you must talk in riddles to survive.Otherwise,you die a most horrible death immaginable ...again.

The Names[edit]

There is no set naming convention to being a Jedi, you just get stuck with the shitty title "Padawan" until you prove you're not a complete pansy.

Sith however rename themselves cool stuff that is usually a typo and gives some hidden meaning to how they play out in the grander scheme of the universe like:

  • Emperor Neftiti -more powerful than all the siths force power combined ,you truly don't know the power of the dark side
  • Darth Vader- mother of Luke Skywalker.
  • Darth Traya (the dark betrayer)A.K.A one evil bitch
  • Darth Sidious- not a real sith, laughs & talks incoherently, should probably be in a home by now
  • Darth Maul- the only jedi/sith that is even in the same class as ninja, snaps toddlers necks with the force, huffs kittens.
  • Darth Jesus Christ- Didnt really do anything got bored of being a sith an decided to keep his roles as main member of NWA an the saviour
  • Darth Malak- sith with no jaw from 8 trillion years ago, has a distaste for tarisian ale (why else would he blow the whole planet up?)
  • Phil Mayer (the lord of the sith)
  • Kevin Du (The Pokemon Master)
  • Darth Brooks (The dark lord of country and western)
  • Darth E. Duck (The Avian duck lord)
  • Darth Dubya- Emperor of the galaxy until he put it in a recession.
  • Lord Darth Akselmort (father of the father)
  • Barry Manilow
  • Davíð Oddsson
  • Lumiya Dark Lady of the Sith- Annoying whore who just loves making the galaxy miserable (Also: See dyke for details)
  • Barrack Obama

But... the names of the normal Jedi and how to distinguish them are:

  • Obi-Wan(also known as Ben) Kenobi- killed in 0-ABY, then entered spectater mode
  • Annikan Guyfocker(later known as Darth Fapper)- acts gay, loves watching male strippers, always fucking talks in a monotone, skilled in the power of crap acting
  • Qui Gon Gin - first, and still best known, of all Irish Jedi that loves that gin an tonic
  • Mace Windu- from the planet Blacktooine, possibly the best jedi ever because he's fucking Samuel L. Fuckingjackson
  • Lord Scotty - He was banished from the council because he lost to many lightsabers and they couldn't afford to replace them due to the credit crunch.
  • Master Chiswell - The only jedi to compete in the WW2 Games and emerge victorious. Climaxed in the Men's finals vs Master Hitler. Has since kept his worthy adversaries lightsaber in a cabinet as tribute.
  • Luke Skywalker- Second gayest Jedi ever, beheads Lumiya in recent book.
  • Aela Secura- Blue jedi master who keeps turning up in all the books and movies for some reason,and a stripper(but thats another story).
  • Count Dooku- Not to be confused with Count Dookie or Count Chocula, Dooku loves to pretend he still has an accent after becoming a sith just so people think his voice sounds cool and robust. Dooku enjoys frequently touching young jedi for some reason and has a very short cameo in the third episode (pwndizled)
  • Ki-Adi-Fundip- snorts fun dip, has over extended forehead because his mother was a bantha
  • Lars Ulrich- rips out hair with drumstick while playing making him insta-jedi
  • Grievous General- General with 50 arms
  • Grievous General Mk2- Now with cup holders

Death of the Jedi Council[edit]

The reason there isn't a seventh Star Wars film is because Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker) just wasn't that damn good enough to carry the movies on, they needed the likes of Qui Gon Jin and Darth Maul back to give it some panache. Also,on the side note, he totaly sucked in lightsabre-jutsu

The Signs[edit]

There are several easy signs to spot a Jedi:

  • Carries a really big key chain on their waist.
  • Constantly refers to "The Force."
  • Obsessed with keeping peace, even at the cost of not using lethal force (you won't see them using lighting with the force like a sith would, which is either because they are above those childish sort things, or that they can't do it themselves).
  • By waving their hand, they can suddenly win an argument (watch closely).
  • Can leap over over a building in a single bound.
  • Robotic limb replacing lost said limb. Note: This is also a well-known trait of a Skywalker.
  • They are the only known major characters in the Star Wars universe to bother talking to gungans.
  • Eats fries on Sundays, and only eats sundaes on Fridays.
  • Sticks a paper back novel in his tunic.
  • Behaves surprisingly unmanly (doesn't fart in public, crack-digging kept to a minimum, uses "please and thank-you," emotional about their mother, etc.), and yet steps up to do manly things (defeating evil sith lords, saving princesses, keeping the peace, etc.).
  • Drinks a bottle of Gatorade through his nose/ears/eyes, usually without pouring it directly over said opening.
  • Wears an overly large cloak and tunic (who does that nowadays?!)
  • Doesn't make you a cup of tea even if they're making one for themselves
  • Always takes the last After Eight mint
  • Always come out of the toilet with a funny smell behind them
  • ALWAYS buy their food from the Co-op
  • Always thinks that lightsabers are dinner knives
  • Always wears a hood to hide their stupid haircuts

Jedi of Note[edit]

  • Moses - One of the earliest known force users, Moses is one of the most powerful wielders in history. His power was so great that he split the Red Sea and turned the Nile River red. In one of the first recorded lightsabre duels he defeated Ramses III, throwing his corpse into the Red Sea before he closed it. Afterwards he wandered in the desert training his followers, dying before he could properly complete the training of an apprentice. It would be many years until another master arose, though not a true Jedi by name, almost all Jedi can trace their teachings back to Moses' Big Book o' da Force.
  • Jesus - Born of a virgin, Jesus was the second true great force user. Conceived with the Will of the Force, he became the template of the 13 disciples that learned from him; from the stylish long hair, to the beard and even right down to the robes Jedi everywhere consider a standard. Unfortunately, after a wicked lightsabre battle Jesus was captured and tortured by the Romans, Jesus called for the Romans to "Just chill out, lol." The Romans were sadly unchillable and he was nailed to a cross and left to die. Three days later, Jesus became the first true force master in decades by being able to materialise again after becoming one with the force. He then directed his 11 remaining disciples to Corsant, where they founded the Jedi.
  • Obama-Wan Kenobi - His recent election as POTUS of earth is thought to fulfill the dream of Martin Luther King. He is known for being audacious in hope and in true Jedi tradition dreams of finding his father. At this time the true nature and extent of his powers are unknown.
  • Qui-Gon Jinn - Famous for various acts of bravery throughout the universe and also boxing. He is best known for training Batman, Rocky Balboa and Obi Wan Kenobi.
  • Yoda - A mental patient living on a swamp moon called Dagobah, for being able to say random words and as philosophical gold have it taken he was known. Very easily amused being, heartily at anything and everything, damaged space fighters including, he laughed. From Dr. Hibbert syndrome Yoda long suffered, and months after training Mark Hamill, a relapse he had, giggling constantly and drooling everywhere, to several questionable remedies being tested which led - having men's hands inside his colon which included. Suspected to more to his death than anything else contributed, these treatments are.
  • Mace Windu - A member of the Jedi council, this highly revered warrior known for defeating the motherfucking sith's on the mutherfucking Delta-7 Aethersprite-class light interceptor!!!
  • Obi-Wan Kenobi - Known for being "the only hope" of many women around the galaxy, this ladies' man trained not only Mark Hamill but Darth Vader as well. Alter-Ego of Nayan Patel.
  • Bono - Trying to follow in Jesus' footsteps Bono is now a Jedi - Christ, what ISN'T he these days? His lightsaber is pink, and if he hits you with it, you feel a sudden urge to buy shitloads of useless U2 memorabillia and donate money to Bob Geldof's "Save Africa and my celebrity status" campaign.
  • Barry Scott - There needs to be a self/product-promoter there.
  • The Joker - Once known as Mark Hamill, he changed his name after a run in with a man in black who turned his face into a sadistic grin. He is the only person to have ever defeated Darth Vader in combat and feel up his daughter and live to tell the tale. He later retired into voice work while still making cameos from time to time.
  • Silent Bob - A fat man in a trench coat, he is the epitome of the modern Jedi. He and his hetero-life-mate Jay travel the galaxy beating on demons and wooing the ladies. Unlike many previous Jedi, he is practical enough to actually run from a unbeatable enemy and takes some prisioners. HE NEVER SHUTS UP!
  • Beck - Reinvented popular music and developed radical software development methodology known as Star Wars, he was instrumental in the defeat of the Clinja uprising in the Battle of Taboo.
A rare photo of the jedi warrior Snowball.
  • Snowball - The illegitimate bastard son of Yoda and a Bichon Frise. They apparently met while on the Wookie planet of Kashyyyk, though when questioned about a son, Yoda roared, "A son I have not!" and chased reporters away. Raised by his mother (the Bichon), Snowball eventually discovered his powers with the force by accident while trying to scratch an itch on his lower backside by dragging it along the floor. Known as the only crossbreed of a dog and whatever the hell Yoda is. The current whereabouts of Snowball are unknown, though it is suspected he has disguised himself as an obese housepet and is living somewhere in the United States of America.
  • Ghandi - Besides being a very popular firebreathing star of violent videogames, Gandhi is also an accomplished Jedi. His brother, Snake ghandi is rumoured to possess certain Sith powers, but this has not been verified.
  • Gandhi - Not to be confused with Ghandi, Gandhi was the Jedi ultimately responsible for the fall of the British Empire. Though stoutly against any form of violence, Gandhi made a total of 537 lightsabres, just to prove he was a badass.
  • Quazimoto- He was a handsome Jedi Master and a devout follower of the Light Side, but his apprentice became frustrated with him. One night the apprentice ran to the Jedi council and told them that Quazimoto had betrayed them. They attacked him and Quazimoto managed to escape alive. But he was forever disfigured and fled to a life of solitude. He is presumed dead...
  • Neo - Neo was with the Jedi only for a few months. He was trained to use a lightsaber by means of the Matrix, and was known by all Jedi for his skills. However, Neo preferred to use his old fashioned, you-can-totally-tell-that-that-was-animated Matrix moves.
  • Voldemort - Voldemort became the first Jedi to ever wield a broom instead of a lightsaber, and was known as a total failure when it came to fighting because of the uncanny way that Dumbledore turned up at every battle, causing Voldemort to run. However, none of Voldemort's friends would tell him to his face that he was a failure and so he stayed with the order for more than two weeks, when he gave up the sport for dancing, a sport he deemed 'the gentleman's game'.
Neo used to be able to kick ass with a lightsaber.
  • George Bush - The most powerful of the jedi. Once trained in the Sith arts by his father, the notorious Sith Lord George Bush Sr. He defected from the sith ranks to join the jedi. In the millenia or so that passed since his defection, Bush has detrayed his jedi laws and continues to use his mastery of the Jedi Mind trick on all citizens of the US and possibly the universe. At this time noone really knows the extent of his powers
  • Peter Petrelli - One of few Jedi who try to intentionally become one with the force, Peter is a well known emo and would have killed himself several times over had the force not healed him simply out of spite. Petrelli shunned the use of the light sabre, claiming that the bright colours gave him a headache, instead he prefers the old jedi tricks of firing electricity from his hands, or moving things with his mind.
  • Sara Kestelman - She was a powerful Jedi Master and historian of the Jedi during the Great Hyperspace Mess. She trained many Jedi in the ways of the Pink Side, and she caused her padawan Revan to fall to the Dark Side. Because of that the council banned her, so she thought that the Sith are waaaay cooler and joined them. After the destruction of the Star Fork, she went to a flying ball of rock and there she trained a zombie, a clown and Darth Dollars. Rumors say that she was a crossbreed between a zabrak and a twi'lek.
  • Crocodile Dundee - Few realize that the knife Dundee wielded was actually a lightsabre. Dundee was a powerful Force-weilder from "Downunda" and was the first Australian Jedi since Ned Kelly. Dundee was famous for quelling the "Great Alligator Uprising" in North America. Since the Americans had never seen anything like these alligators before, they needed someone who had hunted the next best thing. Gizka.
  • Trey Anastasio- The red-eye jedi. Hailing from the planet Bongjamminspliffman (Vermont)Trey and his group of magical Jedi travel the planet helping others with their sonic-force-emitter-power-things and do all sorts of cool stuff. Praised for his wisdom and insightfullness, but is only Jedi who occasionally forgets he is Jedi.
  • Peter Griffin- "Greetings Christopher Griffin and Megatron Griffin!* Walks out of House, sees neighbor* Greetings Frank Barrett!" "Greetings Griffin!" replied Frank * Gets into car and drives away* Ah, another wonderful day!"
  • Ned Kelly- The son of an Irish convict, he was a farmer boy who ran away from home to became the first ever Australian Jedi fighting the colonial authorities from a young age. He was very slow at blocking so he made some metal armour and helmet but this made him as slow as a retarded sloth. Unfortunately he walked into a force sensitive dingo (he didn't see the dingo because of his stupid helmet) which used his sonic force eyes to blast him out of the sky. He was a legend in Australia as a Jedi among the oppressed but many thought he was a retarded bushranger with guns who got what he deserved (a painful public death.)
Famous Jedi Ki Adi-mundi; Probable origin of the phrase "Dick head"
  • Ki Adi-mundi- Ki Adi-mundi was quite a famous Jedi not because of his fighting skills but because of his really tall head which sometimes made him overbalance and occasionally nearly die of a heart attack because his head needed too much blood and the heart just couldn't cope. He once defeated Darth Traya but then overbalanced and had a heart attack. He was on the Jedi council just before order 66 then got his arse kicked by clones. He was a powerful Jedi who fought many Jedi and Sith including Crocodile Dundee.
  • Allan Quatermain- Allan Quatermain was once a Jedi and always remained true to the Jedi way - which is barge in and get shot. He mainly used guns instead of a lightsaber because of their long range but he did sometimes use a lightsaber. He fought many battles and was sometimes hired by the Queen of England to capture enemies like Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
  • Rasputin Presuming Rasputin is one of the last Jedi’s, due to his unwillingness to die. Rasputin never got on with Mace Windu, cause Windu is mother fuckin’ black. Rasputin conceals his lightsaber in his great beard to not scare the monks of his old monarch.

nita calahan was a jedi who couldn't use the force but was able to speak in huttese to get the universe to do what she wanted it to do was skillfull with a lightsaber and along with her secret boyfriend defeated all evil a whopping 14 times.

  • Billy Idol- World renown monster hunter. Occasionally uses the jedi mind trick on environmentalists that prevent him from hunting monsters such as the Sasquatch. His master was Van Helsing, who was the long time rival of Qui-Gonn Jinn. Billy Idol is currently at this time not an official jedi, but still has his lightsabre and force powers.
  • Payne- Said to be from the future, this jedi is known for his ability to massive amounts of physical training and his debating skills on the topic of Genesis. The only place on his body where a needle will penetrate is his wrist. This is how the famous phrase "Payne's Wrist" came into play. The rest of his skin is said to be the type of artificial carbon fiber used to make nuke-proof vehicles. He still remains the only living human that has done 879 no-arm push-ups in 2 minutes without stopping and also holds the record for the fabled Jedi Marathon, finishing the run in just 52 seconds, 30 of those seconds because he ironed his pt uniform after the swim. Reaching a top speed equivalent to that of a fighter jet, he left very little of the road intact, but decided to fix it all before he finished the race anyway. This cost him another 21 seconds. The last second was his real marathon time. He remains the most renowned jedi to ever walk the earth, and carries a blue lightsaber.
  • Italian Stallion- Known for his ability to translate anything in to Chinese for a nickel, his ability to sing like an expert (on Rock Band), fight any argument over Deism or Evolution, and manage to sleep in the famous Capt. Johnston's class. If you are reading this, you owe him a nickle. Also, he has been the first to spin a rifle with no hands, continuously, while he sleeps.
  • Billy Mays- THIS IS BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE NEW LIGHTCUTLASS! NO LONGER WILL YOU HAVE TO DRAW THAT CLUMBSY LIGHTSABER WHEN YOU ARE OUT RAIDING THE SPANISH FLEET! PERFECT FOR ALL YOU PIRATE JEDI MASTERS! THIS IS THE NEWEST BREAKTHROUGH IN TECHNOLOGY! JUST BUY IT AND I'LL SEND YOU A JEDI ROBE ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Force Sensitive Animals[edit]

The saber-ray: a force sensitive stingray
  • Stingrays- Stingrays were one of the first found force sensitive animals. It is also believed that the stingray that killed Steve Irwin was a dark jedi sent to kill him because although he was not a jedi, he was hired to find force sensitive animals. Also everyone knows a stingray has a barb, but actually the force sensitive ones have a lightsaber in place of it, which is what people believe to have killed Steve Irwin.
  • Dogs- Most breeds of dogs can be force sensitive the lightsabers normally come from the paw and they stand on two legs to fight but sometimes they use the force to play dead and do tricks to avoid blaster fire. One of the most famous part dog jedi's is Snowball.
Jedi squirrel fight
  • Squirrels- Even though they are extremely small they are brilliant jedi fighters because of their fast movement and jumping. The downside is that they keep getting hit by cars and they are so small their opponents sometimes stand on them. However, legends say some squirrel jedi's could grow to be the same height or taller then their enemy using the force.
The Monkeysaber (smaller for more agile hands) is used by both Monkey Jedi & Female Jedi all over the world
  • Monkeys- Most breeds of Monkeys can be force sensitive but very few have been strong enough to be a jedi. Monkeys are keen fighters and jumpers so they can dodge attacks but the only problem is that they can't sneak into a situation un-noticed so they normally don't make very good spies . They can the defeat their enemies easily normally by biting them but some do use a lightsaber by either holding them in their hand or grasping it with their curled tail.
  • Crocodiles-When Crocodile Dundee started raping reptiles, Steve Irwin started finding force sensitive crocs and teaching them to defend themselves. The problem is that they can't hold a lightsaber with their feet so the crocs that are force sensitive learn to make it come out of their nose. Instead of using their feet to use the force a they use their mouth. The known force techniques used by a crocodile is Force Snap, which can means they can bite someone in half, and also Force Swim where they can swim at great speed to escape their enemies.
  • Whales-Even though they live in the sea, whales can still be force sensitive and can be Jedi but because they can not hold a lightsaber they use the force to make it come from the spout. Whales can also use force lighting and force water by making it come out of its spout -the only problem being that they sometimes accidentally use force lighting when they are under water and they get electrified along with the fish around them. The Sith have come up with a new tactic which is called suicide whales where they pay stupid but force sensitive whales to use lighting under water when Jedi are nearby. This is what brought the whales close to extinction, not whale hunters.
Darth Vader's apprentice practicing torture on naughty Stormtroopers
  • Bears-Because bears are rather fierce creatures not many people think that they will be a Jedi, but there have been lots of discovery's found by Jedi where a bear cub is force sensitive. Some bears do turn to the dark side of The Force, indeed there were several in the time of Darth Vader that helped him kill and torture. Because they stood up on two legs they could hold a lightsaber in both hands or use force and hold a lightsaber at the same time which most people think is too complicated for a bear because they are rather stupid, but on the other hand they are extremely good fighters and are well known for their aggressive attacks.
Cows and bulls can also become Jedi. However, in order to use the traditional lightsaber, they must duck-tap it to their horns
  • Guinea pigs-although small and normally very fat guinea pigs can be trained to do many things such as: flick bombs from their fur (even when not placed there) stand on their hind legs and striking with three lightsabers unfortunately they may eat the lightsabers causing bad indigestion, they may also climb up peoples pants and attack their... Privets... Hamsters also have these abilities but arn't as good at sabotage work. Guinea pigs can also chew at bombs to stop them from exploding.
  • Rhino-Although their primary powerful animals the rhino are the most powerful force users and horrible light saber duelist often on the dark side of the force.The rhinos use powers which include force crush,force steal,mind trick causing their victims to think they got beaten by a paedophile ant causing emotional problems the most famous rhino jedi was Denzel Washington who was not only able to be a jedi but transform into a human to star in crappy films such as kill the mortal and the paedophile secret eventually he was killed of by Leonard Cohen in ww20 in 3849 ad

Famous Jedi Orders[edit]

  1. Samuel Jackson ordered a foot ball helmet sliced the top off of his j4n60 f377 mailbox
  2. Darth Earl Jones ordered a pair of gloves took off the arm of his mailbox
  3. Darth Maul placing an order for somebody to pick his 2 halves out of a fucking generator shaft
  4. Ewan McGregor ordering 32 pints of butter, 4 pints of Guinness, 2 glasses of red and 3 copies of "Jedi Whore Monthly" at the Red Lion on the bell of Last Orders
  5. Darth Stupid did nothing and still got promoted to lead character Star Wars Episode IX: Return of the Stupid

Members of the Jedi Council[edit]

  1. Xýtherä
  2. Martin Van Buren
  3. Samwose Gamgees
  4. Tom Brokaw
  5. Zoro
  6. The Bengals
  7. Gordon Brown
  8. Lord Drugula
  9. Star Wars Kid (As seen on Youtube)
  10. Sir Chiswell
  11. Lord Scotty
  12. Billy Idol (Not an official jedi, hides in the ceiling and collects "information.")

See also[edit]