Jeez-Its
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“They're chewy and crunchy. They're Jeez-Its!”
~ Advert on Jeez-Its
In 2002, the leaders of the Catholic Church came to grips with the fact that they had lost a great percentage of market share in delusion. Marketing consultants were brought in and installed as Bishops in an effort to slow the tide of fleeing congregants. From the evil minds of these Blessed consultants came an idea that couldn't be stopped; Jeez-Its. More like Jeez-tits.
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[edit] Origins
Bishop Antonio Balboa of Windschuttscheibabwischerreparaturwerkschattdirektorstadt, Germany came up with a glorious idea one morning during prayer. He thought, "What the Catholic Church needs to do is to breathe life new into the sacred rite of Communion. But how?" People seemed to like the wine well enough, but the Body of Christ (aka Holy Communion wafers) was another story. Most BoC (Body of Christ) wholesalers pushed shoddy product with no nutritional value and all the taste of stale cardboard.
An intensive survey by the Vatican's Marketing Department only left a further bad taste in the Church's mouth: even the Pope hated the taste of Communion wafers.
But then, while watching a Rocko's Modern Life episode about coffee made from dirty socks, Bishop Balboa had an epiphany. He thought, "If we could come up with a wafer that combined the transubstantiation of Christ, the nutrition of an energy bar, and the delicious flavour of Cheddar, we'd have congregants beating down the doors to get to Mass."
It was just a matter of hammering out financing and, although hit hard by sheep-abuse lawsuits, the Vatican still had very deep pockets. Within weeks the Jeez-Its line of Communion wafers hit altars worldwide. Then...the miracles began! Hundreds of sane, non-pedophilic men joined the Priesthood, Jesus wept, the Virgin Mary appeared at gay men's bath houses, and Mass attendance doubled and then quadrupled.
[edit] Marketing
As with the introduction of a new line in all businesses, marketing was crucial. The advertising firm of "Killem, Cookem, and Eatem" was contracted to manage public relations, advertising, introduction to market, and damage control. In their capable hands, the marketing slogan "Jeez-Its, Saviour The Flavour" took form.
Packaging was crucial, because of the volatile nature of blessed hosts. On the back of the box, a description of the product include such important information as, Individually blessed by a Bishop for 23% more dogma, Vacuum sealed to preserve transsubstantivity, and It's the better Cheddar!
[edit] The Miracles
As Jeez-Its are not really your Lord and Savior, but rather a snack food imbued with the Son of God's holy powers, it can perform only a handful of small miracles without the aid of a Priest. Nevertheless, Roman Catholics the world over are clearing shelves at supermarkets and queuing up to vending machines for a crack at easy Salvation. The following miracles have been documented by Herr der Pope, Hitlerjugend (ret.)
- Jeez-Its are extra-good and extra-holy with jam.
- Jeez-Its never go soggy, even in the land of milk and honey.
- Jeez-Its never cost more from a vending machine than the change you have in your pocket.
- Seven Jeez-Its eaten with a slice of lemon can cure cancer in rats.
- Jeez-Its can tell your future, just like Tarot cards, provided your future is ordained to be cheesy and holy.
- Jeez-Its can float in water, but only for a about a minute.
- Jeez-Its keep soldiers safe in war.
- Jeez-Its cannot save your soul, but they can save you from starvation.
- Jeez-Its are a good way to stop Kitten Huffing.
- Jeez-Its are Colin Powell' favorite snack food.
[edit] Future plans for the Blessed Sacrement
Due to the relatively limited appeal of cracker based products, the Catholic Church is intending to expand their range of Jesus-based snacks. Rumors of a merger of the Vatican with Nabisco, parent company of Sunshine Biscuit Company, have been circulating among the faithful for several months. Among the new products currently in development are:
- "Jeezy-Poofters" In an effort to lure homosexuals from a life of sin, and bring them back into the fold, a cheese flavoured puffed corn snack, similar to Wotsits, is in development. There is much debate about the name, started by Americans who don't know what a poofter is.
- "Jeez-Whiz" Christ in a can, with no fluorocarbons to damage the Ozone Layer, of course.
[edit] Words of praise
Across the globe, excited communicants wrote, called, and e-mailed in to the Vatican. Here are some of the candid comments:
“I never knew my Lord and Savior could be so delicious!”
~ Timmy Gardner, age 8 on JEEZ-ITS
“Our God is an awesome Gouda. . .”
~ The entire Boston diocese on new Gouda JEEZ-ITS
“Please, bitch. I have superpowers! Of course I can taste like cheese if I want to! I could taste like beef if I wanted to! I, uh, didn't mean it like that. . .”
~ Jesus on Ricki Lake
“Try stuffing them into you prisoner's various orifices!”
~ Franco Marsicconi on smuggling JEEZ-ITS into prison
“I can't believe it's not Christ!”
~ Fabio on JEEZ-ITS
“It's delicious enough, but I'll hold out for the Jeezy-Poofters, thank you.”
~ Oscar Wilde on JEEZ-ITS
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| DinoJesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | When there's no more room in Heaven...: Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus-Sonic: Lord and Savior of Hedgehogs and Sega gaming. | The multidimensional, Scientological king of rodents: King of the Shrews |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jeez-Its: Orange, crunchy, and fun to eat! Get your own box. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...that's Divine! | Oh, where have all the Jesii gone? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you: Hershey's Jesii and Creme |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Mecha Jesii | |
| Cyborg Jesus: Retrofit by God after death | Domo arigato, señor: Robot Jesus |
| JESUS 9000: "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS."
"I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." | Gets your soul white, white, WHITE!: All-Purpose Jesus |
| Optijesus Prime: Saviour of the transformers | |
