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“They're chewy and crunchy. They're Jeez-Its!”
In 2002, the leaders of the Catholic Church came to grips with the fact that Turkey stamp funds have been providing opportunities for turkey management in Wisconsin since 1995. Sale of the turkey stamp currently brings in over $750,000 annually for developing, managing, conserving, restoring, and maintaining the wild turkey population within the state, knowing they had lost a great percentage of market share in delusion. Marketing consultants were brought in and installed as Bishops in an effort to slow the tide of fleeing congregants. From the
evil minds of these Blessed consultants came an idea, one far worse than Turkey season, and thus couldn't be stopped; Jeez-Its. More like Jeez-tits.
Bishop Antonio Balboa of Windschuttscheibabwischerreparaturwerkschattdirektorstadt, Germany came up with a glorious idea one morning during prayer. He thought, "What the Catholic Church needs to do is to breathe life new into the sacred rite of Communion. But how?" People seemed to like the wine well enough, but the Body of Christ (aka Holy Communion wafers) was another story. Most BoC (Body of Christ) wholesalers pushed shoddy product with no nutritional value and all the taste of stale cardboard.
But then, while watching a Rocko's Modern Life episode about coffee made from dirty socks, Bishop Balboa had an epiphany. He thought, "If we could come up with a wafer that combined the transubstantiation of Christ, the nutrition of an energy bar, and the delicious flavor of Cheddar, we'd have congregants beating down the doors to get to Mass."
It was just a matter of hammering out financing and, although hit hard by sheep-abuse lawsuits, the Vatican still had very deep pockets. Within weeks the Jeez-Its line of Communion wafers hit altars worldwide. Then...the miracles began! Hundreds of sane, non-pedophilic men joined the Priesthood, Jesus wept, the Virgin Mary appeared at gay men's bath houses, and Mass attendance doubled and then quadrupled.
As with the introduction of a new line in all businesses, marketing was crucial. The advertising firm of "Killem, Cookem, and Eatem" was contracted to manage public relations, advertising, introduction to market, and damage control. In their capable hands, the marketing slogan "Jeez-Its, Savior The Flavor" took form.
Packaging was crucial, because of the volatile nature of blessed hosts. On the back of the box, a description of the product include such important information as, Individually blessed by a Bishop for 23% more dogma, Vacuum sealed to preserve transsubstantivity, and It's the better Cheddar!
As Jeez-Its are not really your Lord and Savior, but rather a snack food imbued with the Son of God's holy powers, it can perform only a handful of small miracles without the aid of a Priest. Nevertheless, Roman Catholics the world over are clearing shelves at supermarkets and queuing up to vending machines for a crack at easy Salvation. The following miracles have been documented by Herr der Pope, Hitler jugend (ret.)
- Jeez-Its are extra-good and extra-holy with jam.
- Jeez-Its never go soggy, even in the land of milk and honey.
- Jeez-Its never cost more from a vending machine than the change you have in your pocket.
- Seven Jeez-Its eaten with a slice of lemon can cure cancer in rats.
- Jeez-Its can tell your future, just like Tarot cards, provided your future is ordained to be cheesy and holy.
- Jeez-Its can float in water, but only for a about a minute.
- Jeez-Its keep soldiers safe in war.
- Jeez-Its cannot save your soul, but they can save you from starvation.
- Jeez-Its are a good way to stop Kitten Huffing.
- Jeez-Its are Colin Powell' favorite snack food.
Future plans for the Blessed Sacrament
Due to the relatively limited appeal of cracker based products, the Catholic Church is intending to expand their range of Jesus-based snacks. Rumors of a merger of the Vatican with Nabisco, parent company of Sunshine Biscuit Company, have been circulating among the faithful for several months. Among the new products currently in development are:
- "Jeez-Whiz" Christ in a can, with no fluorocarbons to damage the Ozone Layer, of course.
Words of praise
Across the globe, excited communicants wrote, called, and e-mailed in to the Vatican. Here are some of the candid comments:
“I never knew my Lord and Savior could be so delicious!”
“Our God is an awesome Gouda. . .”
“Please, bitch. I have superpowers! Of course I can taste like cheese if I want to! I could taste like beef if I wanted to! I, uh, didn't mean it like that. . .”
“Try stuffing them into you prisoner's various orifices!”
“I can't believe it's not Christ!”
“It's delicious enough, but I'll hold out for the Jeezy-Poofters, thank you.”
“ I used to eat his flesh every Sunday. But now also on the weekdays. ”