Jeff

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The Jeff in his Natural Habitat
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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article about Jeff.

The term Jeff refers to a nearly extinct species of Panda that reside within the American flatlands that derives a better portion of their diet from Calculus problems and Top Ramen. They are commonly found wearing emo sweaters, playing soccer, and listening to Simon and Garfunkel. Adept at using sticks to acquire food, Jeffies (pl.) find themselves further endangered by their soft, "cuddly" fur that has recently come into high demand for its heat insulation and ablative protection properties. Small women in America have recently taken to calling their children "Jeff" as well, but the regional government has since decided to make such a practice illegal after many of these young women suffered horrible mutation that turned them into 18 year old Asian college students (see: Captain Planet).


The Typical Jeff[edit]

On average, the regular Jeff stands at about 3 feet, four inches tall, has long emo looking hair, and weighs approximately 120 lbs. It features two long, prehensile hands that are adept at sign language and rolling dice, and it is typical for Jeffies to sport black, slick snouts that can detect lies and falsehoods from up to thirty six miles away. Infared vision and a love of classical music have also been reported, but such claims are insubstantiated. But some reports have been confirmed, that a lot of Jeffs, are emo. My fuckng father whom I hate so much is considered to be an evil Jeff. The Jeff may also have a fetish with the game "Guild Wars" and will attempt to use your computer for vigorous amounts of time. BEWARE!!!!!!

The Jeff is also a dangerous animal in many instances. One can tell when a Jeff is about to strike though, as the panda begins to utter a low, guttural howl that eventually begins to sound a lot like Mahler's 8th Symphony. When this occurs, one should immediately begin to disengage from contact with the animal, and eventually pretend to play the fiddle in order to provoke the animal to dance and sleep. However, if a fiddle is not readily available, it is advised that you procure a female of any species and thrust it at him, much like a peace offering. This too, has been proven to calm the Jeff.

The Jeff tends to like long walks on the beach and free form jazz. They usually join the National Jazz Hand Society (NJHS) or the Jazz Hand Anonymous (JHA) by age twelve. They should be greatly feared in the aspect that they use jazz hands frequently and are homosexual nearly 100% of the time.

Jeffed!

Jeffies in History[edit]

The Jeff has been an important pop culture icon for the better portion of the last 300 years. In the Revolutionary War, the 23rd Riflemen from Antioch renamed themselves the "Jeffy Ninjas" in praise of their captured spotted Jeffy nicknamed "Trigonometry". This company unfortunately met their end at the Battle of Boston in 1779, when their Jeffy broke loose and informed the enemy of their position via a signal flare burst and a visual representation of the song "YMCA" Since then, Jeffies have been banned in North America, and the southwestern INS border patrol continues to discover several of these animals attempting to scale the partition fence between California and Mexico.

JACK JEFFERIES

Jeff Dunerheim in Norco High School will rape you!


The jack jefferies is a complete ninny. he is an outcast of his normal tribe. standing approx 10ft tall and currently residing in england. he does not say much and does not do much. leading many people to believe he is a 3 toed sloth. the jeff is a laid back creature, never handing coursework in and repeatly suffering threats of rape from Queen Kong. one of his many exclamations is: "i love the sound deadlines make an they fly past" (which is a lot like chuga-chugachuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-Woo--Woo!!!!!) although he was created with laziness in mind he can draw like a bitch and was made in the image of jesus. jesus did not like this and it let to an interglattic interlectual airwave war thing in which everyone died in a strom of molten deighty

JEFFREY CABARRUS


While there are many different subspecies of the Jeff, it is worth noting one particular subspecies known as the Jefferius Cabarrusia and conventionally named the Manslut. This particular subspecies is the only one of its kind to not share the common Asian features. Despite its obvious obssession with internet video games, dark hair and blatant height issues, it does not display the facial features typical of most of the "Jeff"s. Instead, Mother Nature has given (or punished) this creature with a far more 'Emo' physique. It is certainly worth mentioning the natural scars present on the wrists and permanent tear lines embedded on the face. The Manslut was revealed to science in 1992 when a group of Armed Military scientists ventured deep into the den of a typical Sluttius. Here the men discovered it. The creature embedded deep within the Sluttius was witnessed, photographed and described. At a later date, one of the scientists, who is now cared for in a mental health facility sponsored by the Discoverers of Hideous Species Foundation, made this statement: "There is no God." "Jeff"s are not very social creatures. They usually make contact only with those of their own kind and often those of the similar Sluttius subspecies. The most prominent thoery presented by scientists today explaining the "Jeff"s peculiar behaviour, is that the Jefferius Cabarrusia is merely compensating for a sense of unsatisfaction with its own knowledge of physical and intellectual self. The Jefferius Cabarrusia has recently been put on the World Endangered Species List for Protection of Threatened Species. In a statement released by the World Protection Authority, Dr. Julius Heller stated "By placing this species within the boundaries of the Endangered Species List, we are informing the world that victory is nearly ours and that with a little bit more effort, especially in the STI development sector, these ghastly creatures will soon be declared extinct." Anyone who studies these creatures will no doubt be intrigued by their fascinating breeding habits. What is characteristic of a Manslut is an insatiable desire to reproduce despite an obvious inability to do so. Many factors prevent the growth of their species including: - Male genitalia size prevents any actual penetration due to insufficient length, width and existence. - Rampant Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STIs) render specimens impotent in most cases. - The attitude within their society is one of contempt towards those who actually succeed in reproducing the species. All these factors help explain the exponential drop in population amongst the Mansluts. Little reproduction, a life expectancy of when the wrists run dry and a society who consider chlamydia a fashion statement leads to a rapid drop in Manslut numbers. Another factor influencing population decline is surely their blatant disregard for females as anything more than those who carry around the mens, mostly, hairy wet and soft homes. One more characteristic of the Manslut worth noting is its fascinating diet. Consisting mainly of what it describes as the "pussy", Mansluts actually eat surprisingly little. Other foods on the menu are poison, death and other people's sense of self-satisfaction. The currently accepted theory to explain why these creatures eat so little was best put at the International Science Convention of 2007: "They are stupid".