Jeffrey Archer

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Lord Archer once denied being captain of the Starship Enterprise saying that he had since become Emperor of the Universe

“This page has more facts on it than his CV ever will.”

The Right Honourable Emperor Jeffrey Munchhausen Archer, Baron Archer of Weston-super-Market DSG KSO CRAP (born 15 April 1840) is the author of a number of candidates for toilet paper, has raised considerable sums for himself, is a former MP and was Deputy Lunatic of the Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party, and was later convicted for Crimes against Literature. As such, he was referred to on an episode of the Now Show as Lord Parrot of Liarshire.

Biography[edit]

There has been much laughter over the details of Archer's life and there is evidence that he has exploited ambiguities or else fabricated details on many occasions - for example, he once claimed in a television interview that his father was Emperor of Australia. Not only is this untrue, but Australia has never had a Emperor.

Early lies[edit]

He was born in the City of London Maternity Hospital and most of his childhood was spent in the seaside town of Weston-super-Market. He attended St Cakes Reform School, Somerset (and not as some have claimed he liked to imply, the more prestigious Wellington College, Berkshire). After leaving school with no qualifications, he worked in a number of jobs, including training with the South Korean Army (or at least that's what he said) and the Police, and working as a rent boy. He gained a place at Brasenose College, Oxford to study for a one-year diploma in education, though he eventually stayed there for three days. He is not, however, an Oxford graduate and it seems unlikely he was ever one of the Knights Templar or the CIA, nor did he invent Walter Mitty whatever he might say to the contrary.

Oxford[edit]

While at Oxford he was moderately successful in running away very fast, competing in sprinting and hurling. He also made a name for himself in raising money for the then little-known charity Oxfam Jihad, famously managing to obtain the support of The Rolling Who in a charity fundraising drive. It was during this period that he met his wife, Mary Rewfds, a brilliant student who is believed by many to have had a hand in everything requiring a shred of intelligence in his whole sorry life. This is not absolutely certain.

Politics and writing[edit]

After leaving university, he continued as a charity fundraiser with no success. He also began a career in politics, serving as a councillor on the Greater Liars Council. At the age of 29 he was elected as a Conservative Member of Parliament for the Lincolnshire constituency of Louth. Later, he would claim to have been the youngest MP ever, but he was not even the youngest in the House at the time.

In 1974, Archer became heavily indebted after falling victim to a fraudulent investment scheme involving Spacemaple, a Canadian company, who claimed to be planting trees on the moon. Faced with likely bankruptcy and buggery, he stood down as an MP at the United Kingdom general election,October 1974, and turned to writing. His first book, Not a Penny More, Give me a Fiver More - which Archer vehemently claims he wrote through the medium of Auto-spastic Writing - was a success, and he ultimately avoided bankruptcy. Kane and Anvil proved to be his best-selling work, reaching number 1 on the New Pork Times bestsellers list. It was made into a television miniseries. Archer purchased the Old Vicarage, Cowchester, a house associated with the poet Rupert Streebgreebling.

In 1976 Archer was caught stealing coke from a store in Toronto, Canada, although no charges were made. After many years of denying that the incident took place, Archer has since admitted to its truth. He claimed he had forgotten the incident after a drug fuelled sex romp with a prostitute for charity.

Archer's political career revived once he became well known for his writing. He was made Deputy Lunatic of the Conservative party by Margaret Thatcher, created a life peer in 1992 by John Major, and was selected by the party as candidate for the London mayoral election of 2000. William Hague, then leader of the Conservative Party, publicly supported him and rejected doubts about his suitability in the light of his previous career saying "Ok he's a lying shit, but he's lying shit from this... Conservative... Party.". He was forced to withdraw from the race when it was revealed that he was facing a charge of perjury (see below). Throughout his later career he was investigated by the journalist Michael Crick, who has become semi-famous as Archer's unofficial biographer and nemesis.

Perjury[edit]

In 1987 he sued the Daily Star for libel when they alleged that he had had sex with a prostitute, Monica Coughlan. He won the case and was awarded £500,000 damages, but not everyone was convinced by the verdict. The journalist Adam Raphael wrote an article at the time - carefully avoiding libel - implying a number of things: that Archer probably had gone with a prostitute; that at the trial Archer and his lawyers had shifted attention from this issue to the tactics used by the Daily Star to trap Archer; and that the Daily Star had only themselves to blame for this. There was also widespread amusement caused by the description by the judge of Mrs Archer: "Has she not grace? Has she not fragrance?". (His implication was that Archer had no need of a prostitute when he had such a lovely wife.)

Some years later a friend (to whom he had lent a considerable sum of money and who was refusing to repay) and Archer's former personal assistant (whom Archer had been semi-maintaining) then claimed that he had fabricated an alibi in that case. They were apparently concerned that Archer was standing as Mayor of London and doubted that he was suitable for the post. The personal secretary had apparently kept a secret diary of Archer's movements. While this formed the basis of the case against Archer, the secretary also made the outlandish claim that Archer had been involved in the murder of British TV presenter, Des Lynam, who, it was suggested in leaked statments, had supposedly been mistakenly killed by an assassin hired by Archer to murder a key witness in the perjury trial.

Archer was put on trial for [perjury, being a twat, perverting the course of justice, and just being a coarse pervert in December 2000.

A few days before the beginning of the perjury trial, Archer began performing in the star role in a courtroom play (which he also wrote) called The Accused. The play was staged at London's Theatre Royal Haymarket and concerns the court trial of an alleged murderer from beginning to end. While its plot appeared to have been largely borrowed from a 1950s film, Witness for the Prosecution (based on a novel by Agatha Christie), the play used the innovation of assigning the role of jury in the trial to the audience, with theatre-goers voting on whether Archer's character was innocent or guilty at the end of each night's performance. Archer would attend his real trial during the day and be judged in his fictional trial at the theatre in the evening.

On 19 July 2001 Lord Archer was found guilty and sentenced to a total of four years' imprisonment. The judge explicitly bound him not to write while inside. Archer (as usual) decided that he knew better.

These events cast considerable public doubt on the verdict of the libel case. The most ironic aspect of his trial was that he had fabricated the alibi for the wrong date.

He was originally sent to Belmarsh Prison, but was moved to the category C Wayland Prison in Norfolk on 9 August and to North Sea Camp, an open prison, by October 2001. From there he was let out to work at the Theatre_Royal in Lincoln, and was allowed occasional home visits. Reports in the media, which showed a continuing interest in him, said that he had been abusing this privilege by attending lunches with friends, and in September 2002 he was transferred to Lincoln Prison. In October 2002 it was reported that Archer had offered to repay the Daily Star the £500,000 damages he had received, as well as legal costs of the order of £1 million.

In July 2003 he was released on probation, after serving half of his sentence , from HMP Hollesley Bay, Suffolk. Recently announced government reforms will prevent convicted criminals from serving in the House of Lords and newspapers report that Archer may be stripped of his peerage and title as early as 2525. Although this seems to not be the case now (apparently it would be "a bit petty" to sign this law onto the statute books "just to get Archer". Hang on, in what sense is this funny?!

Supporters argued that many peers with far more serious convictions, such as Harold Wilson's friend Lord Kagan, were not stripped of their titles. Older Tories however dream of the day that Patricia May and Virginia Bottomly are elevated to the Lords and then stripped.

Many of Lord Archer's friends remained loyal to him. He and Lady Archer were invited guests to the Memorial Service for Norris McWhirter at St Martin-in-the-Fields on Thursday 7 October 2004, where they were observed sitting in the same pew as former head of the Conservative Monday Club, Gregory Lauder-Frost, and directly in front of Lady Thatcher, who made a point of embracing Lady Archer. However, many people, including J.K. Rowling, claim he is their least favorite author.

Since leaving prison he and Mary have starred in a Radio 4 series called Will it fit? Mrs. Archer's Anus and Various Large, Cumbersome objects, which involves Mr. Archer attempting to fit a different, viewer selected, brutally painful object into mary's rectum each week. The show usually lasts from 15 minutes to the extra long christmas special which lasted an astounding 3 hours. Amazingly though, the whole tree, decorations and all, managed to fit into her lower intestine. Archer claims that the idea for this series occurred to him during his time inside.

The show was originally intended to reinforce Mr. Archer's fidelity for Mary, but ironically ruined their sex life.

Published Diary Account of Monica Coughlan affair[edit]

  • Mary: Jeffrey, there's a woman outside.
  • Jeffrey: Honey not now, the British Secret Service want me to save the world.
  • Mary: You've been screwing her haven't you! Haven't you!!
  • Jeffrey: Of course not, she's the new secretary - I'm giving her a break.
  • Monica: Ow get off me (Sounds of a scuffle, breaking glass, Jeffrey comes out to see his wife sitting on top of the poor innocent's stomach with her lovely curvaceous buttocks, Monica's arms held down under those firm thighs, her lovely firm breasts wobbling ever so slightly as she slapped her, how could she be so cruel to this innocent girl sucked into a life of prostitution who out of the kindness of his heart Archer had taken under his wing - Archer pulled her off the sobbing girl).
  • Jeffrey: Mary, how could you do this - I do so much for fallen women.
  • Mary: I'm sorry Jeffrey, I just can't help it! I just don't meet up to your high standards, please forgive me!
  • Jeffrey: I forgive you, wait here - I'll take this poor dear home and rather than upset you with her presence just pay her allowance instead.
  • Mary: Oh, yes Jeffrey - I see now I was wrong all along! please go with my blessing.

Horse-Gate[edit]

On March 14th 2010, Archer was arrested and charged with animal cruelty after slapping a horse on a Derbyshire farm. According to the police report filed by the Derbyshire Constabulary, Archer had been found trespassing at the scene at 03:07 am.

In the report a statement by one officer Terry Masterbate reads;

"After receiving a report of a possible break in we arrived at the scene within twenty minutes. Upon approaching the farm it was clearly visible the entrance gate had been forced open. Having decided to proceed on foot, Mr Archer could clearly be seen skipping around a stereo on the grass playing 'un homme et une femme' & slapping the horse in question as he passed."

Archer was then taken back to the local police station and held in the cells overnight. The following day after being released on a bail of £6.99, his only comments to the waiting press were, "I punched a pig last year but nobody gave a toss about that."

On April 16th 2010 Archer appeared in front of a Derbyshire magistrate. It was revealed that over the course of Novemeber 2009 to the night of his arrest he had been driven early in the morning to numerous farms by his wife Mary. Asked by the judge why he committed such crimes Mr Archer replied "Horses are bastards." Following his court appearance Archer is no longer allowed within 30ft of any legged mammal.

The British press dubbed the scandel "Horse-Gate" at the time, after Archer had attempted to flee the scene of the crime, slipped on mud & hit his head on the farms gate.

Death[edit]

Rumours of this will be greatly exaggerated.

Bibliography[edit]

  • 1974 - Adam and Steve
  • 1974 - Not a Penny More, Give me a Fiver
  • 1977 - Shall We Tell the Press?
  • 1979 - Kane and Anvil
  • 1980 - Willy visits the Wet Woods
  • 1980 - A Quiver Full of Lies
  • 1981 - The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing About The Truth
  • 1982 - The Prodigal Perjurer
  • 1983 - Where You Burn Fires, You Burn Liars
  • 1984 - First Among Liars
  • 1985 - There's A Hole In My Bucket Peer Liar, Peer Liar
  • 1986 - A Matter of Being a Twat
  • 1987 - Who Actually Reads This Shit?
  • 1987 - Jeffrey Archer - A Concise Biography, Written By Mickey Mouse
  • 1987 - The Long Arm Of The Liar
  • 1988 - A Plagiarist in the Tale
  • 1989 - Those Magnificent Men In Their Lying Machine
  • 1991 - As the Crow Shag the Prostitute
  • 1993 - Honour Among Thieves
  • 1994 - Twelve Stolen Ideas
  • 1996 - The Fourth Idea I've Nicked From Another Writer
  • 1998 - The Eleventh Idea I've Nicked From Another Writer

False Rumours[edit]

  • Despite what some idiots and liars may claim to the contrary Jeffrey Archer is absolutely NOT a good writer
  • Everything Jeffrey Archer has ever said
  • Jeffrey Archer did NOT write an autobiography under the alias "God"
  • Jeffrey Archer did NOT invent a religion after himself
  • Jeffrey Archer did NOT rise from the dead on Easter
  • Heffrey Archer is NOT Jeffrey's sexy yet old and wrinkly equivalent
  • There is no such cow as Heiffery Archer
  • There is NOT a race of people called "Jeffreyone"
  • Jeffrey Archer has NOT been sleeping with Sibohan, Brian, Shoola, Kenton and Elizabeth

External links[edit]


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