This is about the person. For other uses, see Jehovah (disambiguatIon)
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God Thinks this article Epitomizes all the Sins of mankind. Yet, in His infinite Wisdom, God has
Foreseen the necessity of Terrible articles like this one, and Will accordingly Tolerate it until
…you shall all burn in Hell, however.
Jehovah is known on Earth as "the first typo." It was uncovered by a group of door to door salesmen who mistakingly thought that the unpronouncable name for God was pronounced "Jehovah." God was quoted later, saying "No it's not, you moron."
The door to door salesmen, however, were too stubborn to say "we were wrong" or to revert the name of their organization to something else. Thus, they have placed the word sic after their name at all times. While this is considered a gesture of good grammar by some, others believe they should just "fix the damn typo already."
In actuality, The Name is pronounced as "Java" instead.
From Mythical Volcano god to Personal Name of G-D Himself
- Psalm 18
- 18:6 In my distress I called (collect) to the LORD; I had the wrong number. I had to call my sister in DeMoines to get the number from her. Then I ran out of minutes, and had to top up my account online.
- 18:7 It was, like, an hour later, and then finally shit started to go down. The earth heaved and shook; the roots of the mountains trembled; they heaved because he was angry. I'd called too early, maybe?
- 18:8 Smoke ascended from his nose; fire devoured as it came from his mouth; he hurled down fiery coals.
- 18:9 He made the sky sink as he descended; a thick cloud was under his feet. Man, was he pissed. Hey, if you dont want to be called at 4am, turn your ringer off, jerk-ass.
- 18:10 He mounted a winged angel and flew; he glided on the wings of the wind.
- 18:11 He shrouded himself in darkness, in thick rain clouds.
- 18:12 From the brightness in front of him came hail and fiery coals. A bit too dramatic for my tastes.
- 18:13 "What the hell? Who calls at 4am? Get a life! I work in the morning, asshole! Is it reallllly that important?"
Then came Moses, who was chosen by the real God, who gave him The Law from Him directly, from on top of The Mountain that thundered and was dangerous to climb. When Moses asked how to address him, He decided to use the name of Volcano god Java, which was so respected by the ancient Arabs He led the Arabs through the desert with a pillar of smoke and fire, eventually cultivating what would eventually be known as "Jello", a rugged, disciplined people who worship nothing other then the Form of Good (until after the Diaspora, of course).
The above is too damn religious
Those of you who don't believe in God have probably lost interest. I can't blame you. Jehovah is not God, but God's evil step-twin's half-cousin twice eaten by Bizarro Jesus. God and Jehovah used to be the same guy, but God insisted on leaving his crap on the floor. This was the last straw for Jehovah, who immediately decided to turn into a comet and crash on a planet full of silly haircuts. God refused to make a comment on the incident and has since been secluded from his natural environment (the hell away from Britain).
Jehovah actually means 'pothead' in Simlish, and he was well known for his habit. Yellow air in the 1800's? It wasn't the industries. Renowned throughout Europe for his anti-Jewish campaign, he was generally supported until Hitler decided that this asshole was stealing his spotlight. Soon after, Jehovah disappeared. This coincided with the new exhibit at the Berlin Museum 'How to kill your Jew'
Door to door domination
Today Jehovah's Witnessnes door to door trying to get people to help build a giant fighting robot to destroy all of the Christian floats at the parade. Their project is called J.E.H.O.V.A.H.
It stands for:
Jesus Eradicating Humanoid Optimized for Violence And Harm
This information was released by Jesus freak Kirk Cameron, who is determined to stop the creation of the robot J.E.H.O.V.A.H.
Rumor has it they have completed to construction of it's left foot.