Jello Biafra

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“Mmm, yaaa ”

~ Pablo Neruda on Amazonas On Jeelo Biafra.
This is not Jello Biafra
This IS Jello Biafra

Jello Biafra (born Eric Reed Boucher; June 17, 1958) is considered on of the most skilled, operatic, and non-warbling singers ever. His distinctive clean, perfectly-anunciated singing has been his claim to fame, singing for such conservative, republican doo-wop groups such as The Reagan lovers, The super conservatives, We Love Nazis, and The Cambodian Tourism Board.

Jello is also notable for his stage presence. While performing, he is almost completely frozen, to the point where he is often confused with a statue. As a result of this, several birds have landed on Biafra during live performances, they are now his pets and their names are; Ronald, Nancy, Maggie, Tipper and Hitler.

Early life[edit]

Jello Biafra was born Orloma Jellofuis Biafrandia IIVVZZXX,

Jello Biafra as a child

into a wealthy home somewhere on the east coast. His parents were gay hardcore punks. When his parents abandoned Jello and their fortune to live in an apartment above CBGB's, Jello discovered his grandparents' doo-wop record collection and was forever changed.

Jello Biafra's parents. All four of them.

He shortened his name to Jello Biafra, because his birthname was just too fucking long and confusing for anyone to understand. He also cut is hair into a ridiculous retro style that required the entire contents of the Exxon Valdez to style. He also stole one of his parents' leather jackets, removed all the patches from it and turned the collar up. His transformation into a greaser was complete. AIDS.

Outed.[edit]

One day, Jello's parents returned from their five-year pilgrimage to CBGB's. To their horror they discovered the now hair-greased, leather-jacket-wearing, boopadoopadoop singing Jello. His parents, all four of them, kicked Jello out of the house and said he couldn't come back till he listened to music that wasn't shit.

Jello Being kicked out of his house, yes, his parents know how to SHOOP DA WOOP!!!

After he was kicked out of the house, Jello quickly found a new family, a group of Vikings known as THE HOLY SHIT MEISTERS!. Jello thought they were a Christian doo-wop group, and who wouldn't with a name like THE HOLY SHIT MEISTERS. But they quickly discovered just how well Vikings and doowop mixed, when they created the first ever heavy metal doo-wop Viking Jello album. They are most notable for being the only doo-wop band in history to have no guitars. That's right NO GUITARS!

See...NO GUITARS!!!

And no singing, they just sit on stage making singing-esque motions.

Marriage to Bigfoot[edit]

After nearly 1,000 years of standing on stage and doing nothing, Jello decided to do what any good singer does at the height of their career...go Bat Fuck Insane and marry someone butt ugly. So he searched far and wide to fine someone who was not only ugly, but was SOOOOO ugly that they made Jello look dead sexy by comparison.

Jello Biafra hoping Bigfoot will sign the marriage papers

he considered Jack White, Hillary Clinton and even crack. however, he finally settled on Bigfoot.

Presidential Campaign[edit]

In 2000 Jello ran for president with Mumia Abu Jamal. he would have won if not for your momma.


Battle with The Thing[edit]

After marrying Bigfoot, Jello Biafra was sent to the deep dark reaches of the Antarctic, for no fucking reason. When he found that the entire Antarctic base esplode. There seemed to be absolutely no reason for this, till he came upon Ronnie James Dio, a beast of epic proportions. It threatened to huff Jello Biafra.

The thing

Death[edit]

On July 3rd 1931, Jello Biafra died of conjunctive ass failure. No one really knows how this happened, since it works 10 times as fast as coca cola and makes you asplode in the head.

See also[edit]