Jelly babies hail from the frozen wastes of Western Australia, and are closely related to Bigfoot and Gummi Bears. Many believe them to be a byproduct of industrial waste, but this is far from the truth. Jelly Babies are a type of bacteria that has evolved to live in Western Australia by gaining the ability to change their pigmentation to the colors of the rainbow and more.
Jelly Babies can live for up to 14 years, and are ready to leave their parents and forage for themselves at Thirteen. In this one year they call their own, the average Jelly Baby will find a burger joint and start eating. Unfortunately, due to the period of time Jelly Babies are independent from their parents is less than the time needed to reproduce, Jelly Babies are expected to be extinct by 2014. Jelly Babies are not the slow moving, dull creatures you would assume them to be. When fully grown, they are smarter than John Kerry and faster than a Giraffe.
What do the colors Mean?
Jelly Babies come in many different colors, and contrary to popular belief, there is a huge difference in personality between the colors. Red Jelly Babies (everyone knows they taste the best) are usually outgoing and friendly. They can usually be found at the heads of Biker Gangs, mascots of Sport Teams and can always be trusted to help out fellow members of the Jelly Family with Science homework. green and Orange Jelly Babies are introverts, preferring to visit Star Wars conventions and hang at Internet Cafes and Art Galleries. Black Jelly babies usually die before the age of 10, due to racial discrimination.
During the 1800's there was a mass Jellycide 33.8 million Jelly Babies met their maker, this is always remembered on the 7th April every year with great sadness.
Also known by his real name, Spartacus This member of the Jelly Baby family wrecked havoc on one of Western Australia's major cities. In just one day he managed to call a regional apocalypse and bring about the death to entire kingdoms. Along with a group of disgruntled teenagers, he filled the water system of Western Australia with Jelly, which gave residents such a fright when it game out of the drinking tap that they either died with shock or decided to run like hell and eventually die of exhaustion. He then attacked several major bridges, and destroyed the Sydney Oprah house with long ranged eye beams.
Jelly Babies in Politics and Space
Most Jelly Babies do not make it into the harsh world of politics, but those that do are extremely successful and influential. Perhaps the most profiled Jelly Baby in politics is James Blunt. To be an astronaut is one of the highest honors for a Jelly Baby, and those who make it are worshiped like Gods. The frail body of a Jelly Baby cannot last long in the zero gravity environment of space, and will eventually drift apart, if proper safety measures such as wearing a seatbelt, putting on a helmet, wearing reflective brake lights, drawing childish images on the visors of other's helmets, taming wild Badgers or throwing five cent coins off skyscrapers are not used.
Enemies of Jelly Babies
Although Jelly Babies have no natural predators, genetically modified creatures such as Koalas, Chuck Norris , The Doctor, Mr. T and John Howard enjoy to nibble at these delicious treats. Upon eating a Jelly Baby that was supposedly a friend of Chuck Norris, Oscar Wilde broke the awkward silence with the phrase "Well, you sure do know how to make delicious friends." The resulting fight destroyed all knowledge of the Muppets , a technologically advanced race that lived thousands of years before humans existed.
What to do if you happen to see a Jelly Baby
- Give the dam thing some respect.
- Offer it your condolences - it would suck to be made of Jelly.
- Poke it with a stick and see if it cries.
- Call it's mother derogatory names.
- Threaten it with things that are able to reduce it to a gooey ball.
- Convince it to vote Republican.
- Swap Oscar Wilde quotes with it.
- Play fetch.
- Ask if it's ever experienced deja vu
- See how long you can stretch it.
- Kick its head and see if it falls over.
- Ask if it's ever experienced deja vu
- Kick its dog and see if it falls over.
- Kick its dog's head and see if it comes off.
- Swap witty jokes with it.
- Leave it on a planet.
- Play I Spy.
- Invite it into your kitchen microwave and give it 2:00 of tough love.
- Paint emo hair on it with a vivid.
- Scare it with Koalas.
- Threaten to eat it.
- Give it to Emily, or Michael.
- Attach it to a passing blimp.
- Force it to watch Billy Connoly shows.
- Show that son of a bitch who's boss.
- Have hot jelly baby sex with it.
- Make it bow down like a goldfish and drink pina coladas or die.
- Buy some fireworks and gently attach them to the jelly babies arse and set them off. Observe whether it melts.
- Make a Jellybaby milkshake.