Jennifer Love Hewitt

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“When I watch "Ghost Whisperer", I always have one question: Are those real?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jennifer Love Hewitt
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Jennifer Love Hewitt LF2-1-.jpg
Date of birth: February 21, 1979
Birth location: Waco, Texas, USA
Height: 1'50"
Other name(s): Jennifer Love Ass-Tits
Bra size: 36EEE
Implants: Maybe
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Jennifer Love Hewitt (born February 21, 1979) is an American actress whose..."talent"[1] about half of the world's population appreciates. It should be noted that some have referred to her as "too skiny", but that's usually out of frustration from the knowledge that they will never get to love Love, or even put her talents to the test.

Rumors about her being a virgin are as real as Demi Moore's breasts.

Early life[edit]

Jennifer Love Hewitt was born as a short male eskimo named Uglu Piktaungitok most likely in what is now Nunavut. At an early age he made the decision to move to America by floating on an ice float which took him to Oregon. He survived on solely eating whale blubber and sea cucumbers. On the way to California he got a sex change in Utah and officially changed his name to what we all know "her" as- Jennifer Love Hewitt. She is still an illegal immigrant.

Career[edit]

Acting career[edit]

Jennifer-love-hewitt-01.jpg

She started her career jumping up and down in the Disney Channel. It was a relative success, but the squares at Disney had a fit when they realised that the kids watching her show had to shave their palms on a daily basis. Hewitt was forced to migrate to one of those we-only-hire-babes-for-our-female-cast-but-we-still-have-quality-content shows: Party of Five, which, despite what the title suggests, was actually about a family.

Following the success of her character in the show, Hewitt got greedy and thought that she should have a show of her own. FOX (who else?) cooked a spinoff for her PoF character, by having her move to New York City in search of her biological father. Both Hewitt and FOX messed up though, since they failed to consider that the show would premiere during the cold season in NYC, and so Hewitt's character was always wearing an excessive amount of clothes. Forced to get by on her dramatic skills only, Love's TV boat sank like a rock, as the network cancelled her show before the first season was even completed. And just when she had found her daddy, of all times!

After that, Jenny had to endure a time-off from tv. She attempted a comeback with a sitcom in 2004, but the network committee that evaluated the pilot was women-only, and so she was turned down. Finally, she booked a show on FOX where her character can talk to ghosts. The US government fears that that the suicide rate among male teenagers may quadruple over the next few months. That of divorced men over 45 is expected to increase ten fold.

While on TV, Hewitt also made some of those made-for-TV stuff that we all hate. First, she played Audrey Hepburn in a biography where nothing bad ever happens, then she played a psychotic social climber who, wisely enough, wears only tank tops. The second film was relatively successful, whereas the first prompted many fans of Ms. Hepburn to burn her pictures and join a "I Hate Audrey Hepburn" cyber club on the internet.

Jenniffer Love

In 2009 Hewitt will co-star (in digital form) opposite a 40-foot CGI dinosaur, in the forthcoming Steven Spielberg-produced sci-fi cop series Inspector T-Rex, playing the lead character's psychic sidekick.

Other (un)quotes[edit]

“Je-nni-Fer. They. Lied To you. When They Said You. Could n't breathe. Un-Der Wa-Ter”

~ George Petit on Jennifer Love Hewitt

“Who is that Hewit she loves so much?!”

~ Ponderous Question on JLH

“To think I kissed her there--and there--and there!”

“Jaysus...would'nt ya just ride da box off her?!”

“I know not many of ya'lls know this, but to get it out in the open, I used to be a male eskimo living in Greenland!!!”

Notes[edit]

  1. Sure let's call it that.