Jerk

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Whoever invented this was a total douche.

In physics, jerk is the rate of change of acceleration with respect to time. Mathemagically[1]:

<poll> Most people are jerks. Hell yes. Not really. </poll>

Ancient Israel[edit]

The first technologically advanced civilization to invent uniform measurements of jerk was the Kingdom of Israel. There were several units of jerk in common usage; the two most common being the hommer (one short cubit per day per lunar month per 40 years) which was used extensively in the graven image industry, and the thumpah (one longish sabbath-day's journey per generation per generation per generation (unto three (3) generations that keepeth His commandments)) which was given by Moses to the Levitical priesthood for the purpose of measuring how forcefully blood tends to spurt from freshly sacrificed goat spleens[2].

Not so Ancient England[edit]

Jerk has been customarily measured in furlongs per fortnight per fortnight per fortnight since the dawn of the English Queendom. However, due to some initial uncertainty in the measured length of the furlong, Queen King Henry VIII proclaimed that the unit of English jerk shall henceforth be calibrated with reference to the Royal Wanking of the Royal Penis[3].

Even less Ancient France[edit]

In 1976, after the streets of Paris were inundated by thousands of liters of the spilled blood of royalist French dissenters, the Bureau International des Poids et Mesures officially designated the setterfield as the SI unit of jerk (exactly 1 meter per second per second per second). The setterfield, which is equivalent to approximately 8,797,645,060,000,000 furlongs per fortnight per fortnight per fortnight [1] according to the old-fashioned King's measure, was immediately and unquestionably adopted by virtually the entire world for all scientific, commercial, and industrial applications of measurable jerk.

Not ancient at all America[edit]

As of 2005, the sole exception is (as usual) the United States, who to this day continues to gripe and moan and bitch and pout and whine like the spoiled little brat who kicked England's royal ass (no pun intended) in 1776, that the new unit is inconveniently large and too scientifically confoosing, and its adoption would require a prohibitively-expensive nationwide investment in new imported French jerkometers and the costly recalibration of the Pentagon's entire strategic nuclear arsenal.

See also[edit]


Shamelessly swiped from[edit]

  1. Newton, Isaac: Principia Mathemagicka, pp 237-41.
  2. God, the LORD: The Holy Bible, p 87.
  3. As dramatically depicted in Shakespeare's classic play King Henry the VIIIth (Act 3, Scene 5).