Jersey Girl

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Jersey Girl Movie Poster

The film Jersey Girl describes the rise of one particularly angry Camden prostitute to stardom as she sets out, attempts, and fails to stop al of the hateful, biased, and well, true, seterotypes against what is rapidly being called the worlds Gooch, New Jersey.


The prostitute, fondly nicknamed "Bend-Over Belinda", is one day so tired of her philadelpha clients commenting about New Jersey that she stabs one in the face with a claymore. She is chased to old Jersey by the FBI, where they give up the chase because no one in america really knows about the place names.

Once there, she meets an eccentric pub-owning hobbit named Todo Jaggins. He proceeds to molest her, but is turned off once he finds out she is over the age of 25. However, she tells him of her plight, and he agrees to help her.

Leaving the island of Jersey by way of a flying pack of Jewish Albatrosses, they proceed to Dennmark where they ask people what they think of New Jersey. If they answer positively nothing happens. If they answer negatively, she proceeds to strangle them with her tired saggy breasts.

They continue this across Europe and Asia, killing millions until they reach the city of Ulaanbator Mongolia. At this point, Todo has grown rather tired of her, so he does what any many does when he tires of a hooker. He kills her and takes her money. However, as a final act of kindness, he has her body shipped back to NJ, where it is placed fondly in a garbage dump.

In the end, a zombie-like hand is shown grasping out of a pile of dominoes pizza boxes, shriveled pomegranetes, and used tampons. This may foreshadow a sequel, however I hope not.


The film won a handful of awards for its sheer value as cheap pornography and its horrible violence.

  • Most Albatrosses in a film
  • Best film featuring a hobbit and a hooker
  • Best film partly set in Mongolia
  • Best film directed by a retarded person

Critical Acclaim[edit]

This film was reviewed by several unreliable, uncredible, and remote critics. The Yeti wrote in the Lhasa times "This film turned me on. Shes hairy, just like me." Jesus christ gave it a 666/10, which he calls a bad thing because it "Glorified violence, Judaism, and hobbits." In addition, Your Mother gave it a 9000/9000, because she is in fact sexually attracted to hobbits and dirty hairy hookers.

See Also[edit]