Jesse Jackson

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Michael Jackson?
"Don't be jive- keep hope alive. Make a donation to my organization!"
Bouncywikilogo10.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jesse Jackson.
“I paid that 6 months ago!”
~ Jesse Jackson replies to a reporters question, "If you become President what will you do about the abortion bill?"
“That depend on how big de lot is!”
~ Jesse Jackson replies to a reporters question, "If you become President how much will you spend on de-fence?"
“Best white baseball player ever lived!”
~ Jesse Jackson replies to a reporters question, "What do you think about Beirut?"
“President Obama has made a significant contribution to the social standing of Afri – WHO DA FUCK TOOK MA CHICKEN?”
~ Jesse Jackson replies to a reporters question, "What do you think about Obama?"

This tall, dark, insufferably Jewish, masonic priest was born in 1906 to Israeli immigrants Bill Cosby, an obstetrician, and Dakota Fanning, the 23rd governor of North Dakota. Jesse Jackson (born October 8, 1941) broke civil rights ground by becoming the first African American to apply for a job. His interview with the Burger King Corporation in 1988 went horribly and he failed to land the gig, but he persevered and went on to direct many of Kevin Smith's anti-Semitic rant films such as Groundhog Day starring the late Bill Murray and Jungle Fever starring Wesley Snipes and Jake Gyllenhaal as homosexual cowboy wrestlers. Jackson became a priest in 1990, shortly after declaring war on racism with his seventeen word diatribe at the Council of Trent:

Cquote1.png We be the number one motivator. I negro fo' sho'. Me is black, so honky stay back Cquote2.png

He was decorated for finding a cure for the black plague (no pun intended), a cure for breast cancer, and a cure for Arachnophobia. He later withdrew his cure for the latter from the market, citing inordinate pressure brought by the arachnid lobby.

He gained a degree of fame in the cooking community after baking a "race relations cake" or "rainbow coalition cake". Said cake was layered, with chocolate on the top, layered, vanilla on the bottom, layered, had red and yellow sprinkles, and was layered. He insisted the layered cake be eaten in a specific fashion: the black layer left untouched and the white layer despoiled viciously by participants, thrown and strewn over furniture and generally humiliated. When asked for the reason, he muttered "anything else smacks of 1960's Mississippi," shaking his ebony head sagaciously.

He is also notorious for busting in on (white) people while they are eating soup, calling them 'boy', and insulting them for being white, using such terms as 'cracker' and 'honkey'. He has fathered 16 children with 5 different mothers and has been on Maury to find out he was the father! Over one thousand people said they were.

Hailing from the northern reaches of Hymietown Antarctica, The Rev hid in a crate of Cargo on a Canadian Garbage Barge bound for Africa, but was picked up by UFO to Cuba where he lived life unknowing that the land he was living on was, in fact, cuba. His Father, who was more commonly known as the demon mother of Sophocles, bought him a guitar at the age of 12. He joined his first band which later became famous under the name "Van Halen" he resumed the Alias of Edward Van Halen, but decided to drop the music profession and become a reverend (for reasons unknown). he got really, really, REALLY drunk one night and passed out on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. He Hit his head on a tall marble pillar, which later inspired him to give the famous "I have a dream" speech and to make the song "Ebony and Ivory" with his old band, Van Halen. The Rev soon returned to his homeland of Antarctica where he lives in a house made of old Science Lab salvage and whale carcasses, with Don King, Tupac, and Neil Diamond.

Jackson's Eyes[edit]

THAT NIGGA BE BUGGIN' OUT as a result of a tragic incident in his youth involving binoculars and a brief, direct view of David Lee Roth's penis. Jackson formed the NAACP (I Saw David Lee Roth's Penis) as a result of this, to increase awareness that David Lee Roth is, in fact, male (maybe.) The accident left him color blind, forcing him to see in terms of black or white.

Jackson's state-of-the-art hate crime radar. "I heard that, Imus!"

Reign[edit]

Jesse Jackson is not the Emperor of black people contrary to popular belief and what he says that he is the Emperor of black people. That honor belongs to Bill Cosby who self-appointed himself Emperor after a life-time of trying to tell black people how to live their lives. Not all black people agree, and say that there is no Emperor of black people and that Jesse Jackson and Bill Cosby are just scam artists who have taken claim to that non-existent title for fun and profit. Jesse Jackson claims he is after the "man" but he has 4 children from 7 women...he should be taking care of them. Who is the "man," do you ask? When asked who the mysterious character may be, he ducked into a still-rolling limo and whipped out an Uzi, slaughtering the inquiring reporters and earning himself a 30-year prison sentence. The judge, the Honorable Clarence Thomas, asked him to come clean: "Who, Rev. Jackson, is the 'man' of whom you speak," questioned a blatantly hostile Thomas. In response, Jackson lunged forward, escaping his shackles and tearing through the jury box in a fury, before being sedated by over thirty tranquilizer darts. His strength, said some, was simian.

Jesse in action[edit]

Jackson on Fairness[edit]

Jesse was furious..

In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six had a gang bang and died

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six Los Angeles Hispanics, crack-heads and ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

A lone, white couple lived on the TOP floor and they survived the fire!

Jesse Jackson flew into LA, met with the fire chief, and on camera he loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived..?

The fire chief said, "They were at work."

So Jesse said, "why they be workin? Cause you honkies hire yo own! I feel discriminosafied!"

Jackson on Math[edit]

Once Jesse was pulled over by a cop for speeding, when told he was going 85 mph in a 15 mph school crossing, he questioned the cop's math, when he asked the policeman, "Hum dare, Ossafer, is you amusafyin or revidin? (English translation: Excuse me officer, are you multiplying or dividing?).

Travels[edit]

Jackson traveled the globe bringing prosperity to black people by extorting money from white people. In 1492 he left from the West Indies on his yacht, the Toyota Camry, bound for Spain. Upon landing in Spain he visited the world famous cathedral La Sagrada Familia, which in Spanish means whore house. Pope Phaseolus XIX was visiting the cathedral at that time. Jackson met with Pope Phaseolus XIX and declared "I want a pitcher, not an underwear stitcher." After which the Pope said, "what the fuck are you talking about?" Jackson replied with "I wanna raise the model tone of a nation." The Pope punched Jackson in the face. Finding excessive resistance and a lack of black people in Spain, Jackson went to Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe) in Africa. But there were not enough white people there to steal from. Jackson boarded the Toyota Camry, yelled from the bow "stay out da bushes", and went home. He journeyed to Mauritania, before being robbed by pygmies and left on the beach to be consumed by hermit crabs in the sweltering heat.

Death[edit]

Jesse was jumped outside his home by some fun loving Klansmen. They molested and then fed him to a pack of wild starving hippies. He was then hung and burnt. We later found out according to CNN he was not hung for being black but for being a child buggering nonce. He learned how to be a pedophile from his son by his dead wife Michael Jackson. When Michael Jackson did not leave any money to Jesse Jackson in his will, Jesse issued the following statement: FUCK MICHAEL JACKSON! The Klan did not return calls seeking comment, but issued condolences to the Jackson family, saying "to all members of the Rev.'s family, known and unknown, may he lay at rest." Over thirty-thousand people claimed relations to the late minister.

Famous Quotes[edit]

  • "See, Obama's been condescending to the ah...........................................................................................................................I wanna cut his nuts out."
  • "Thats-ah racist-ah"
  • "Hebbada, hebba, dabbada and bedebada... and bada dubba"
  • "I love-ah me some-ah fat juic-ah hair-ah cunt-ah"
  • "Don't you hate it-ah when you have to tuck your penis inside sock-ah"
  • "I had a nightmare!"
  • "Give me your money.....hey I am a shakedown artist"
  • "Dolla-Dolla-Bill-Y'All"
  • "Barack Obama has a bush of pubes"

See also[edit]


Jacksons.jpg
   v  d  e
The Jacksons

Andrew Jackson | Bo Jackson | Jackson Pollock | Jacksonville | Janet Jackson | Jerry Jackson | Jesse Jackson | Michael Jackson | Randy Jackson | Samuel L. Jackson | Stonewall Jackson | Who The Fuck Is Jackson Pollock?