Jesse James

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Jesse James, in 1985

“"Robert Ford shot me in the back you coward"!”

~ Jesse James on Robert Ford

Jesse James is a late 19th century outlaw and late 20th century crime lord. His name is also the alias of Confederate General Xavier Conan the Destroyer III between the years 1868 and 1882.

In 1985, he found Clint Eastwood's time machine in a cave outside Hill Valley, California and used it to travel to the year 1985.Upon arriving, he proceeded to crash it into a telephone pole. Ironically, one of the eye-witnesses to the crash was Marty McFly, a 7 year old boy would who died 8 years earlier in 1997 and would eventually invent the time machine in 1999.

In 1988, James mistook a movie theater for a saloon and wandered into a screening of the film Superman. After seeing the film, he became obsessed with fulfilling Lex Luthor's goal of detaching California from the rest of North America and formed West Coast Choppers, an organization devoted to the cause.

On his 100th birthday, he married Sandra Bullock. When asked why, he replied, "It was an accident. I was extremely drunk. Can't divorce her, either, because I apparently signed a pre-nup." Unable to get out of the marriage, he tricked her into shacking up with William Shatner by selling their home to Shatner and moving out while she was picking up the dry cleaning. Bullock has not yet noticed that the man she's living with isn't her husband. When asked why he hasn't told her, Mr. Shatner began to reply, saying, " is...incredible...I...really..." Mr. Shatner is expected to complete his reply in May of 2057.

The Bounty[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jesse James.

“they're gonna pour boxes of bullets inta' his ass”

~ Hollis Elmore on Jesse James

“Jesse James is a desperate case and may require a desperate remedy.”

~ Governor Crittenden on Jesse James

“If an attempt is made on his life, it will be made by those of the strictest professional caliber.”

~ Stanley Locke on Jesse James

“Listen up, ladies and gentlemen. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles an hour and that gives us a radius of six miles. What I want out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive's name is Jesse James. Go get him.”

~ Marshal Samuel Gerard on Jesse James

“He's my ancestor!”

~ Anthony Rutledge on Jesse James

In 2008 a bounty was placed on Jesse James that everyone soon heard about it. Many people went out to kill Jesse James and hunt him down. Many thought Jesse James would survive until he got shot.

In fact many people shot him all at once.

Actually, so many people shot Jesse James at once, that people had a fight over who would be the one to kill Jesse James the most. Here are some notable titles that were held.

  • The Moron who killed Jesse James
  • The Moron who killed the man who killed Jesse James
  • The Moron who killed the moron who killed the moron who killed Jesse James
  • The Moron who killed his wife