Jesus/Bruce Allan

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
No Wikipedia.png
Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Jesus/Bruce Allan. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.
Adult neon.gif NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!
The article you are looking at may not be work safe!

...Although, since you're already here it's kind of too late for this warning to actually be useful.

If a boss or coworker sees this article, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are satisfied.
Jsay2.JPG
Im not real. Im a figment of your imagination. (Or am I).
South America Humour

[[

Jesus/Bruce Allan Often confused with the original Devil was the confused little rocker born in 42 B.C. to the supposedly virgin chick who was Allahs secret girlfriend. She was called the virgin bride as Allahs wife at that point would have whipped Allahs godly but if she had of found his bit on the side.

At the sacred age of 42 jesus/Bruce Allan was caught for having a good time with five Roman generals wives and because of his mistake of actually getting caught some people decided that he deserved to be nailed to a couple of planks of wood. After a while the Romans thought the J man was dead so they threw him in a cave hoping that some animal would eat the corpse and rolled a stone over the entrance.

Now when Jesus/Bruce Allan got hungry that night he woke up from the dead and slipped through a one inch hole in the wall to indulge in a virgin bloodbath at the local tavern. The number 42 has long been the cause of discontent as it is the answer to a question that nobody could work out but i just gave away the answer and now the mighty Allah is going to destroy me. Argghh lightning bolt.

Original recordings of the first screening of "Jesus the Movie" are conflicting eith some apparently pirated versions being released sometime around 543BC which is wierd as he wasn't there but you cant put a time limit on the Original J-man. The Jews claim that Jesus/Bruce is thier God and the other christian religions are just a bunch of no good thieves who would not be able to think of an original idea to save thier lives and as they worship a copied and therefore false god they will all rot in the eternally burning flame of hell which will hurt like hell (pun intended). But enough of random jewish rants as nobody cares about a religion who feel that it is neccesary to cut off a part of the body that any sane man would not think of going near with anything resmbling a sharp blade. "(I mean why the hell would you take a blade near the only thing that makes being a man worthwile i mean imagine if the blade slipped its enough to make anybody who calls themself a male to shiver at the very thought of it".)

Other forms of Jesus/Bruce allan worship take the form of people who decide that they feel like whispering to themselves in the belief that thier supreme overlord can hear them. The idiots you were told he lives somewhere way above you. you have to shout through a loudhailer so loud that you permanently deafen yourself you fool. Some of these idiots believe that they can eat bread and drink wine that they call the flesh and blood of christ. You F###ing cannibals you dont eat people even the little people in asia who eat the cute little cats and dogs do not eat thier spiritual leaders. You are all going to rot in Tartarus.

But getting past all this new sightings of Jesus/Bruce allan are more common than the aliens abducting poor little american farmers and stealing thier bodys because they cant run around a city looking like a giant cockroach can they. The most recent reported sighting of Jesus/Bruce allan was at a school ball in some ranodm little hole of a town called Whangarei in the tiny little Island of New Zealand which I think is somewhere near Antarctica. Jesus/Bruce allan is easily recognisable by the golden halo on his head and an occasional habit of phasing out of view when he thinks that somebody has recognisaed him as shown in a picture that may or may not appear on this page.

Just to explain a picture near the top of the page. Jesus/Bruce Allan was mistaken in Southern America as an anti afro-american when an afro-american took an "accidental" dump in the J-mans pimpmobile as it was parked outside a randomly placed KFC in Alabama. For a reason unknown to most a picture of Jesus was taken and photo-edited to show Jesus in a sheet that was the symbol of a Christian happiness camp based in the Southern States. This happiness camp qouted in its brochure fun activities like lynchings and burning something faintly resmbling a crucifix into peoples lawns. After a few years the camp ran out of funding when the President of the United States of Allah realised that the Black people did not attend the camp making it an unviable business proposition.

Buddha in Scotland

Apparently the picture shown above is a picture of a leader of a Religion callled rolling the fat Buddha down the hill. Now this religion would have jumped to the most popular religion in history but all of its members read the part about ignorance is bliss and therefore become idiots and self-combust as they make the mistake of thinking that king of the hill is actually funny which causes everything within a five mile radius to self destruct.