Jesus Juice
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Jesus Juice, not to be confused with the drink popularized by former pop star Michael Jackson, is a concoction invented in 1999 by a Will D. Abbot, son of Russ Abbot. Will had two loves in his life: Jesus and power drinks. Recommended and used by many Catholic parishes and dioceses worldwide!
Contents |
[edit] A Boy, A Dream
A fan of the widely popular Pimp Juice of Nelly fame, Will wanted to bring to Christ what Nelly brought to rap. He decided to make a power drink called Jesus Juice.
He sat down with many different power drinks, coming to the realization that he too could empower people for Christ. After many botched attempts at making a drink that could allow man to walk on water, he stumbled across Jesus Juice.
[edit] The mistake that makes it great
While fiddling with his crucifix young Will knocked over a glass of orange Faygo. This drink then spilled onto his table and came in to contact with lysergic acid diethylamide. And Jesus Juice was born. Drinking it did not give you the powers of Christ but sure did make you feel like a god yourself.
[edit] Let there be cults!
Wildly popular amongst the davidians sect of Christianity until a fire broke out at their main branch and killed them all. Some even say it was an over abundance of the Juice that drove them to set fire to their own house. See Government cover ups.
[edit] The mainstream loves it!
Jesus Juice made its way in to the rave club scene and quickly became the drink of choice amongst conscientious Christians. With dance music leading the way many notable Hollywood types began to drink it as well and a whole new religion was formed around it: Alcoholism. The strength of Jesus Juice as a religious tool became so strong that Hollywood Jews "Kabbaslit" took up the idea and made their own self-made power drink.
[edit] The white man brings it all down
Jesus Juice was on top of the world until late 2002, when famous white (was originally black) pop singer Michael "Molesto" Jackson took it upon himself to play with the concept of drugged up drinks to influence thought. The stigmatism now associated with Jesus Juice was too much to bear. Young William sold the company for a mere 50,000 dollars and has disappeared into obscurity.
[edit] The new owner
The rights to the drink are thought to have been bought by Mr T, who is currently trying to revolutionise 'Tea Time' in Engand with new soft drinks and possibly a new type of Crumpet.
[edit] Famous Reviews
“Jesus Juice gets the bitches praying.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jesus Juice
“Jesus Juice comes from my sperm”
~ William Shakespeare
“I pity the fool who don't buy this juice”
~ Mr T
“Man, I gotta get me some of that Jesus Juice, that stuff takes you from the street to the heat ”
~ Gangster
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| DinoJesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | When there's no more room in Heaven...: Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus-Sonic: Lord and Savior of Hedgehogs and Sega gaming. | The multidimensional, Scientological king of rodents: King of the Shrews |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jeez-Its: Orange, crunchy, and fun to eat! Get your own box. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...that's Divine! | Oh, where have all the Jesii gone? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you: Hershey's Jesii and Creme |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Mecha Jesii | |
| Cyborg Jesus: Retrofit by God after death | Domo arigato, señor: Robot Jesus |
| JESUS 9000: "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS."
"I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." | Gets your soul white, white, WHITE!: All-Purpose Jesus |
| Optijesus Prime: Saviour of the transformers | |
