Jesus Ocean

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search
One of the many party boats

The Jesus Ocean is one of the fourteen Oceans of Earth. The saltwater content of the Jesus Ocean is substantially higher than most other oceans. It is said that if you cannot float in the Jesus Ocean than you are probably a witch. The Jesus Ocean has a higher per-capita party boat population than the remaining thirteen oceans combined. Most of these party boats are owned by Lorem Ipsum Jesus. They all have witty, fun-loving names such as "Hangin' Loose," "Passing Wind," "Luna Sea," or "License to Chill." Every year it hosts the Jesus Regatta, where Jesus and his homies race their souped-up speedboats around. Due to their divinity, speeds often exceed 3.0 x 10^8 m/s, the speed of the sun.

Contents

[edit] History

Caesar's Child Legion

The Jesus Ocean (pronounced "Hey-soos Oh-sheen") was one of the very first oceans discovered by the Romans, when Caesar was looking for a new place to banish his proper heirs in 66 AD. When Agrippa Postumus got unruly, Caesar found himself out of tiny Mediterranean islands to banish people to, as the existing ones had recently developed pubs. He sent a child legion to search in the area of Judea for a new ocean and island. They found the Jesus Ocean halfway between the LeBron River and a cave in which Jesus lived for a brief period at the end of his life. They saw a large fleet of quinqueremes which were mostly used for partying, and occasionally for water polo using the oars. When the legion returned to Rome, they told the old, dying Augustus about how awesome the Jesus Ocean was. They were decimated for preaching Christian dogma.

[edit] The Original Sixty-Four Party Boats

The scenic shores of the J. Ocean
When Jesus first commissioned the Jesus Ocean, he gave a party boat to each of his disciples. Since the disciples were already fishermen, they had a boat, but it smelled a bit like a fish and the ladies were rarely ever on it. Jesus took each of the twelve's Pinewood Derby cars from their Cub Scout days and turned them each into a pretty wicked party boat. Peter's boat was by far the coolest, and usually the other eleven would leave their boats in the dock. They became storehouses for the provisions and party supplies. Not all the boats were equally seaworthy, as Thomas's boat contained many holes, and a few were sunk when Saul from the hick town of Tarsus built a boat and started ramming into boats in the Jesus Ocean. However, he didn't get to Peter's boat until late in the evening and by then the bright lights used for the party lured him to join their fold and he became the finest sea captain on the Jesus Ocean.

[edit] Biodiversity

The Jesus Ocean hosts a wide array of multicellular and unicellular organisms which can tolerate its salty environment. Only the strongest of cells with lots of Profilactin can withstand the osmotic pressure of the various sodium concentration gradients.

A rare photo of a Jesusfish

Among the more notable species:

The Non-notable list includes:

[edit] The Life of a Jesus Ocean Inhabitant

Well, after the day is up (12-6.4 Jeshours), everybody boards a boat, sets sail, and generally carouses and imbibes several litres of libations. Every night. If you don't live in the Jesus Ocean, you can still have a good time, but have to pay for everything you drink. This rule is not steadfast and Peter's Original Party Boat is known to have an open bar, even to funny-smelling foreigners.

Many people believe that an ocean is not a place to have parties, but those people are in the minority. Due to the vast advances in nautical technology, boats now have stabilites rivaling the best, most secure houses built on sand dunes.

Owing to a fluctuation involving interest rates, overseas hedge funds, and junk bonds that is way too boring to get into, Microsoft now owns 67% of the Jesus Ocean. They have announced plans for building the first ocean going vessel built entirely of one Xbox. Due to the vast amount of real estate they plan to open an internet cafe on board complete with up-to-date gaming kiosks. Outrage has been fierce to the decision to not include a bar. Nerds are eagerly awaiting the first vessel on the Jesus Ocean that they are allowed on.

[edit] Related Parties

[edit] The 45 year Jesus Ocean party

Ah yes. The 45 year Jesus Ocean party, which was started by DinoJesus after he turned the ocean to wine for a couple of years, then they imported more water. This made the news in 1562 after it was seen that Cheese Jesus may have been there, drinking with his pal, God. The party lasted for 57 years, which is because of a Time Warp, started by a woman named Janet who was a slut and was married to an asshole, happening on the 43rd year, and set the party back 10 years, but since Time Warps don't let you remember the fact you were time warped, and definitely don't explain why everyone was wearing women's underwear, the party ended up being called the 45 year party, and was the most notable party ever.

[edit] The Counter-Strike party of '96

In 1996, Jesus, using his time-warping abilities, put on some pantyhose and was able to secure a pre-release, pre-conception version of Counter-Strike and about 300 computers. He linked them up with a JAN (Jesus Area Network) and the party began. The party lasted for about 3 months, although after about week 5 people stopped playing Counter-Strike and just started dicking around in Garry's Mod. All the 1337 kiddies who got headshots all the time thought it was so "ghey" and left. Being on a boat, they were left to fend for themselves in the turbulent Jesus Waters. Jesus had to walk out and save them, at which time they got the CS going again. There have been several other JAN parties, although none were as successful as the original. Too bad because Maxlam wasn't there, so the first price was given to Mr.T only because he broke a computer on the head of the real winner.

[edit] The No-Party

This isn't here. It wasn't here, and probably never will be. Also, Nobody went and they said it was rather boring.

Earth's Eleven Oceans
Atlantean Ocean ~ Atlantic Ocean ~ Billy Ocean ~ Boiling Pitch Ocean ~ Indian Ocean ~ Martian Ocean
Mediterranean ~ Ocean Connery ~ Pacific Ocean ~ Phlegmatic Ocean ~ Russian Ocean

38286 Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)

Retrieved from "http://mirror.uncyc.org/wiki/Jesus_Ocean"
Personal tools
on Uncyclopedia