Jesus in your cup
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Contents |
[edit] History
Jesus in Your Cup is the assbaby of Judas Iscariot and first hit store shelves in late 2004. Judas first came up with the idea for instant Jesus on a hot summer day in 2003. He was sitting at his favorite bar and the air-conditioning was turned way up. However, the bartender refused to warm his beer for him, claiming there was no microwave in the establishment.
"So I was sitting there freezing my balls off in August, and then I thought, hey, what if I made an instant drink mix you could warm up and serve at bars," recalls Judas in an interview with The Associated Press. "I was high at the time."
Judas then began experimenting with various combinations of drinks. He first tried making an instant beer mix, but met with little success due to beer's low THC content. He eventually had the idea of mixing soft drinks and hard drugs.
"When I had my first taste of success, it was like, whoa, Jesus is in my cup man," reports Judas. "I've been seeing Jesus's face a lot since I started LSD." Jew-senses tingling, Judas later realized that he hadn't exploited anyone or done banking for centuries. He decided to name his new product 'Jesus,' banking on the high name recognition of the world's last great savior. He later added the product to other people's cups, introducing millions to the wonders of crack.
[edit] Ingredients
Jesus in Your Cup is comprised of equal parts Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, Sprite, Barq's, and Colombian Bam-Bam.
[edit] Advertising
The brand is highly recognizable due to many advertising campaigns. Below is a list of well-known slogans:
- "Best part of wakin' up/is Jesus/in your cup!/(guitar riff)" Performed by rock band Bright Red Paper with vocals by Lobster Jesus.
- "Smells like Holy Spirit!" Radio ad starring Kurt Cobain.
- "Hey, kid...want some Jesus?" Performed by a dirty old hobo who deals crack for a living.
The 2006 Super Bowl commercial for Jesus in Your Cup was one that took the viewer inside various places of worship as a voice-over whispered, "We are here at some heathen gathering place, where we've secretly replaced the fine beverages they usually serve with meth crystals. Let's see if anyone can tell the difference!" Of course, everyone could and immediately converted to Christianity.
[edit] Trivia
- Jesus in Your Cup has supported Lobster Jesus in his quest to create a new celebrity cult religion and fight the evil forces of Satan Shrimp.
- Prolonged consumption of Jesus in Your Cup may or may not result in constant scratching, white lips, and rapid weight loss. Short term effects include a pleasurable high.
- Serving sizes exceeding 500 mL (about the same size as a medium soda) may cause instant death, defamation, and serious injury.
- In that order.
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| DinoJesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | When there's no more room in Heaven...: Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus-Sonic: Lord and Savior of Hedgehogs and Sega gaming. | The multidimensional, Scientological king of rodents: King of the Shrews |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jeez-Its: Orange, crunchy, and fun to eat! Get your own box. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...that's Divine! | Oh, where have all the Jesii gone? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you: Hershey's Jesii and Creme |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Mecha Jesii | |
| Cyborg Jesus: Retrofit by God after death | Domo arigato, señor: Robot Jesus |
| JESUS 9000: "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS."
"I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." | Gets your soul white, white, WHITE!: All-Purpose Jesus |
| Optijesus Prime: Saviour of the transformers | |
