Jesusaurus Rex

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Jesusaurus rex
Jesusaurus rex.jpg
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animal
Phylum Chordata
Class Reptile
Order Dinosaur
Family Christ
Genus Jesusaurus
Species Rex
Binomial name
Jesusaurus Rex Christ
Primary armament Teeth and Eucharist
Secondary armament Feet with which to stomp on you
Power supply Holy Trinity
Health ∞ +100000
Mana ∞ +100000
Weight 10 metric tonnes
Length 150-190 meters (that's about as b)
Special attack
Conservation status
Run away from it

Jesusaurus rex (jeez-us-soar-us rex) (lat. "King Jesus Lizard"), also known as J. rex, "The Prophet of the Dinosaurs," "King of the Jewish Dinosaurs," and the "King of the (King of the Dinosaurs) of the Dinosaurs" (in one heavy metal 80's song), is one of the final forms of Jesus, and is expected to visit Earth sometime around the year 2021. Not to be confused with Raptor Jesus or Jesusaur, Jesusaurus Rex is a carnivore, and he's out with a vengeance, he's gonna set you on fire.


Jesusaurus Rex has all the incredible holy powers of Jesus Christ combined with the pure ownage of a T. Rex. What could be cooler than that? However, Jesus also has an aura of pwnage about him, so here's some tips to tell the two apart. Jesusaurus Rex has:

Big Scaly feet to crush the infidels

Divine Smile of a Thousand Pointy Teeth

fire-setting skills

Is so cool that people often explode by looking at him

Tap Dances

Eats demons instead of banishing them

Often been misquoted, his original proverb was not, as it was widely known, "GRAHHSGHSSKVALFBJMKKXVAONVFOGREENKOAVNA!" Its was actually "Blessed are the slow of foot, for they shall be with me forever after I eat of their body and drink of their blood."

Excretes holy urea and shit

Enjoy's long strides on the beach while firing lightning with his eyelashes

Jacks off to dino porn and YOUR MOM in the shower with a cookbook, it is rare to find Holy sperm cause, your mom because the second virgin bitch-duck. TAPE....

Reactions to Jesusaurus rex[edit]

Faced with the threat of a giant angry Jesus, former U.S. president George W. Bush has had this to say: "It is with the deepest regret that I inform you, my fellow Pelicans, that a lot of you are pretty damn screwed. That's right all you stem-cell marauders, I'm talking to you. Trying to destroy the foundations of society is going to get you devoured by the Lord... save us Satan!"
Later investigations showed that George W. Bush did not, in fact say the above quotation, and it was actually just from some fat white old guy, also known as Dick Cheney. George W. Bush's actual words were "Jesusarus will never seek a permission slip to eat the American people." When questioned about what he meant to do about the J-Rex, Bush responded with "No act of the Jesusaurus Rex will change our purpose, or weaken our resolve, or alter our fate. God has blessed America, and we will survive his dinosaur."
Some Christians have taken the coming of J-Rex as a sign that they will finally be floating off into heaven in the Rapture, while others of different faiths have had slightly different ideas. Known Scientologist Tom Cruise has been quoted as saying "People don't know the great things Jesusaurus will do, helping the community. It will be positive and wonderful. Hey, that plane reminds me of my awesomely homoerotic movie Top Gun. I made a lot of money off that movie you know. Being rich is really nice, you know, since I get to ride in limos and eat McDonalds all day." Cruise is reported as leaving the Scientology faith because it doesn't allow him to take his Ritalin any longer.

Recent Discovery[edit]

A Jesusaurus Rex was recently discovered in a Gainesville, Florida man's backyard. An excavation is currently underway to determine why it arrived far before the initial estimated arrival year of 2021. It has been said that only true believers can view the remains safely, as a number of OVER 9000 onlookers have been turned to holy shit of the holy fire of Jesus's ass after visiting the excavation site.

Jesus Rex.jpg

Recently, a Jesusaurus Rex was used to make a miraculous breakthrough in redneck science (that's the best kind, by the way). Brett schuck examined the Jesusaurus Rex's bones and discovered through carbon dating that, shockingly, in his own words, "'Mt. Dew' is the best soda ever made!" Soon after that incident, he was found raping his own daughter and arrested and dropped the soap purposely in prison. +brett like men + fing dogs up the ass

See Also[edit]