“They don't even know how to drink beer from a good enemy's skull”
“You've gotta be JEW-king!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the existence of Jewish Kings
In 1000 B.C God left mount Sion and went abroad to fight Zeus, Odin and Brahma to install his religion monopoly, that lasted until the twenty first century when the Flying Spaghetti Monster replaced him. Meanwhile he left the Jewish Kings to take care of his chosen people.
Saul and David
King Saul's daughter, Michal, was a very ugly, very single 43 year old. He didn't know how to get rid of her. The only Jewish guy who showed some interest in her was little David, but everyone in town knew that it was only an excuse to get closer to his beloved Jonathan, the king's son. But when David mistakenly killed Saul's bodyguard, Giant Goliath, by falling on him from Jonatan's balcony on the exact space between Goliath's eyes, he had no way to postpone the wedding. Jonathan then killed himself by eating his father's forbidden poisoned honey. After that, Saul regretted the wedding and wanted to kill David, but he was too lazy.
When Saul died, David became the King, kicked Michal out, and sought Batsheba, a transexual celebrity. However, Batsheba was married to Uriah. To solve the problem David sent Uriah to fight against the Palestians. However, when Uriah arrived to the front he discovered that the Palestinians still didn't exist yet and he came back quickly. David was so sad that he abdicated and dedicated the rest of his life to writing for Uncyclopedia. He wrote an article on Jewish History (upon which this article is based) that stated that he conquered Jerusalem, which became true history some decades later when King Rodney made a parody of it on Wikipedia.
Solomon was the wisest Jewish king there ever was, besides Rodney. Once, two women claimed to be the mother of the same child. Solomon tried to settle the problem by cutting the boy in two pieces. But then, both of them wanted the upper piece, so Solomon cut them too, demonstrating his great eternal wisdom (children, do not try this at home!). Solomon was also known for his good taste in women. He had about a 1000 wives but he couldn't supply them all, so he swaped them for the beautiful Queen of Sabah. Solomon was so in love that he added a seventh day to the week and named it after her (renamed some centuries later as Sabbath or Shabbat) and declared it a national holiday. He also built the Jerusalem Temple for her and invited God to dwell in it. After Solomon's death, their children went on a Safari in Africa and got lost for almost 2000 years. When David noticed, he came back from the afterlife together with Moses and brought them back to the land of Canaan, with the help of Uncle Sochnut. Nowadays, every Jewish male thanks Solomon for his desendence of Ethiopian beauties (writer's note: I beg your pardon; I know this last sentence is pretty close to useful, factual information, but I had to say it. God, they are so hot!!!).
With David warrior's skills and Solomon peacemaker abilities he was the brightest Jewish King in history. He was so wise that he gave up government after a week. As suggested by his counselor Douglas Adams, he learnt animal's language from Solomon, and spent the rest of his life playing with dolphins, doing acrobatics and waiting for children to cheer him and give him some fish.
The red sea scrolls, some ancient documents recently discovered by historian Josephus Flavour at a shepherd shoe in kumran, revel that during his short administration period, pork-eating and polygamy were allowed.
Other Jewish Kings
Larry King, B.B King, Stephen King, Don King, Martin Luther King, King Kong, Tao Te King and Burger King were not real Jewish kings. You need more than the word King as your name to qualify as a real Jewish king. First you need to be Jewish. Most of them are, but they lack the second condition: having a Real Jewish King Identity Card (R.J.K.I.C) made with the paintbrush. (King Kong has one but he is not Jewish, and Don King's card is a fake), just as the following kings do:
- Jackie Mason
- King of King's Kings (He abdicated to leave the post to Saul and went to fight Brahama)
- Ariel Sharon (R.J.K.I.C: "Arik, King of Israel!!!")
- Jesus (R.J.K.I.C: "King of the jews")
- Leonardo Di Caprio (R.J.K.I.C: "I am the King of the world")
- Manu Chao's monkey (R.J.K.I.C: "I am the King of bongo")
- King Lear (R.J.K.I.C: "Naked in the storm King")
- Aragorn (R.J.K.I.C: "Ill be King only if you ask nicely")
- Elvis Presley (R.J.K.I.C: "The King")
- Your mom
- Michael Jackson
- Ronald McDonald
- Rebe Lubabitch (R.J.K.I.C: "The messiah King")
- Zimba (R.J.K.I.C: "The Lion King")
- Jeroboam (R.J.K.I.C: "You can ask my dad, he knows who's the real King")
- PALE Triad (R.J.K.I.C: "I am a Jewish King...Just ask my lawyer! Erm, my Dad!")
- The Burger King King