Jewish Problem

In mathemagics, the Jewish Problem is a paradox similar to the dreaded Epimenides Paradox, or Bertrand Russell's famous paradox, rather paradoxically called Cantor's Dilemma.

The Problem, As Such

The problem, as such, is this: if you offer a Jew a free ham, will he accept it? Or, in formal terms:

${\displaystyle \exists ham:free(ham)\implies jew}$

Many solutions to the Jewish problem have been proposed over the years, but none have completely satisfied the exacting standards of professional mathemagicians.

The So-called "Final" Solution

The most unusual (and repugnant) solution thus far, ultimately rejected on humanitarian grounds, was proposed in 1941 by then-eminent mathemagician Adolf Hitler. His alleged solution was mistakenly read as also being a solution to the Russian Problem, (despite the previously published papers on the Russian Reversal), the Asian Problem, and the uber-generalized Problem X.

Though Hitler's solution is known to show that a proof for the problem exists, it should be noted that it does not constitute what mathematicians would call a constructive proof, and it is precisely a constructive solution to the Jewish problem that was asked for on Hilbert's Nth Problem.

Quantum Mechanics and Jews

Many years later, the Jewish mathemagician Paul Cohen successfully reduced the insidious problem to the physical realm. In a 1963 speech to the Israeli Knesset, Cohen showed that, under ideal conditions, a real-world Jew/Ham system enters a superposition of n quantumly-entangled states, denoted as:

${\displaystyle |\psi (jew)\rangle =\sum _{n}a_{n}(ham)|n\rangle }$,

and therefore the Jew absconds with (and dines on) the non-kosher delicacy only when nobody else is looking. Unfortunately, the Superconducting Super Collider failed to find any evidence for bound Jew/Ham states below the 470 giggleV threshold before it exploded in a colossal showering of bloody gobbets, and so the problem remains unsolved to this day.