Jilly Goolden
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Jilly Goolden, with her flaxen tresses reminiscent of evening sun upon the warm amber shades of wheat just prior to harvest, is Britain's best-known oenophile and is noted for her loquacious descriptions of wines, their tastes and heady fragrance, which she expresses in words that flow like a crystal-clear mountain stream from her mouth like an explosion of sweetly-scented buds, so full of the all encompassing power of Mother Earth, as they burst into life when touched by the sun's life-giving aureate rays during the first days of a new summer. For eighteen years she co-presented BBC2's Food&Drink television programme, where she quickly endeared herself to the Great British Public with her eloquent, elegant espousals of the finest samples of the viniculturalist's art.
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[edit] Early Life and Schooling
Goolden was educated in Royal Tunbridge Wells, a town in the British county of Kent that had previously produced neither personage nor event of any note whatsoever - indeed, so boring and devoid of worth is it considered that cartographers deliberately omitted it from maps until her birth in 1956 in order to save ink, a substance which formed the subject of an essay written by the young Jilly during an English class in 1968. This essay has survived and reveals to us that she was already developing the abstract erudite style that has since secured her fortune and the exalted, elevated position in the British broadcasting pantheon that she enjoys to this day and can be seen below to the right, complete with teacher's comments:
[edit] Celebrity Wife Swap
Celebrity Wife Swap is a television programme in which two celebrity couples are chosen and the wives swap husbands for a week, with the couples being chosen because the producers know that the partners will be incompatible thus leading to tension, temper tantrums and high viewing figures. Jilly took part in the show in 2008 when she spent a week living with American soul singer Alexander O'Neal. To the production team's chagrin, the couple got along rather well and even rewrote one of O'Neal's famous songs together with Jilly penning most of the lyrics in her distinctive style.
| Don't criticize my friends, friends with whom I have shared so many joyful times, joyful times stuffed with laughter and pleasure like the Spring time forest floor is stuffed with the year's first flowers,
Don't criticize my ideas, the ideas which emanate from my cerebral cortex like cool rain explodes from a pregnant cloud. Don't criticize my lifestyle, for when you do it is like the woodworker's rasp as it tears into the sweetly-scented flesh of a stripling pine, I'm fed up, reminding one deliciously of the succulence in both flavour and aroma of finest foie gras 'cause all you wanna do is criticize. You've just closed your mind like an ancient tome, found to contain ideas and opinions disagreeable to its reader, is slammed shut and creates a dusty vapour laden with subtle nuances of leather, of parchment, of wisdom itself, Ooh ooh - criticize! You don't realize - all you wanna do is criticize, like a new dawn wishes only to stretch above the eastern horizon and push back the dark tendrils of the preceding night, bringing with it the fresh airs of a new morning, interwoven with those of re-opening daisies, I just want what is right, as does the champenois as he expertly blends a number of wines to create a new expression, a master of his time-honoured art, as was his father and his father before him. Still you say, in words that silkily slide from the periwinkle sliver that is your tongue, like a satin robe slipping from my quivering flanks. Criticize! |
This version of the song did not achieve chart success and received very little radio airtime, whereas O'Neal's 1987 original reached No.4 in the UK charts and was played approximately five thousand times a day on all British stations, driving the 95% of the population who dislike insipid middle-of-the-road soul insane with hatred and frustration, but not half as much as "Where Is The Love?" by Mica Paris did just two years later.
[edit] Drugs Controversy
It has been suggested, in view of her near-Dalinian ways with words, that Goolden may from time to time partake of intoxicants somewhat stronger and more illicit than those created from fermented grapes. However, the BBC have been quick to refute these claims, issuing a press release that stated "A middle-class, middle-aged Jewish mother of three such as Jilly? When would she find the time to take drugs - she's on telly every night of the week? Jilly's like Frank Zappa - she doesn't need drugs to be weird." However, there is some evidence that she did in fact experiment with drugs - namely LSD - in the early 1970s when she was first working as a wine writer. The following words, taken from the 1973 publication Good Wines, suggests that acid was having a powerful effect upon her as she wrote.
| 1968 Chardonnay. It's yellowish. And wet. |
[edit] Wine Tasting Notes
Jilly has written several books on the subject of wine, many of which became best-sellers. Her Talking Wine audio tape, published in 1993, sold by the million and can now be found on most car boot sales and in most charity shops for as little as 10p, though examples in mint condition - ie; those that still have both cases and sleeve notes and over which the previous owner's children have not recorded pop music - can be worth as much as 15p.
- "Château Margaux 1994: It seems that in 1994 the vinyards of Château Margaux would have benefitted from a few extra days of sun, for the vitality provided by those spiritually life-affirming rays may have been sufficient enough as to knock the slightly hard finish from the wine, a finish that while not so harsh as to desecrate the flavour like a pagan at a holy shrine, nevertheless imbibes it with a complex and closely-knit tannic structure. However, it must be recorded that this structure shall unpick in time, like the weaving of Penelope as she awaited the return of her Odysseus lost for so long upon the ocean, which will undoubtedly aid the already-improving bouquet until the aromas are virtually fit to explode from the bottle like a gaudy volcano of precious herbs to delectably assault the nose in the most seductive fashion."
- "Marc Chauvet 1994 Brut: Initially redolent of succulent fruits, the first sip reminds one of nothing less than the sensation of crushing a corpulent grape between one's molars and as such provides a gesture, a hint, a piquant memento of the wine's raw materials and the fragrant vinyards of the Champagne region. Gradually, however, creeping, stalking into the overall finish with the feline stealthiness of a tomb-robber entering a vault in search of rare gems, comes a sylvan greeness, a taste that can only cause one to reminisce on days spent frolicing after summer rain in the emerald meadows of one's youth; a greeness that, though one subconsciously resists, not wanting to experience the death of the wine's original succulence, eventually comes to dominate."
- "Seaview 1995 Chardonnay Pinot Noir: Full of notes implicative of nothing less than warm toast, freshly made over an open fire so that its comforting odour dispels the cold night air's imparted numbness from our chilled forms as effectively as consuming it shall do. A certain sugariness, a flavour uninvited like a shunned old flame at the party of sapidity that sustains within each and every sip, becomes swiftly apparent and steals points from the tasting notes. One is reminded of notes thus excised from a manuscript by Bach, notes that in their absence will leave the piece unsatisfying."
- "Varnier-Fanniere NV Brut Rose Grand Cru: Tessellating flavours of plump fruits, near to over-ripeness, predominate throughout to create a finish of such cloying and yet - somehow - delicate sweetness, like a construction by M.C. Escher only composed of nectarous sapourity in place of paint. The finish is...fuckin' 'ell, I just realised - I'm pretty pissed. Anyone up for a curry?"
[edit] See Also
Barmy British Stuff 
