Jimbo Wales

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Jimbo often fans himself with many hundreds of thousands of dollars thanks to Wikia. Not pictured: bitches from porn career
“Uncyclopedia rocks, as it is. That's why I offered to buy it. What is our business plan for Uncyclopedia? To demonstrate to the active community here, and by extension other communities, that we know how to not fuck people. Our entire business model depends on showing the world that we are a serious alternative to Yahoo, Google, etc., etc. because we represent a totally different approach... a totally wiki approach... to website management.--Jimbo Wales 20:07, 11 July 2006 (UTC)”
~ Jimbo Wales on Uncyclopedia (no seriously he said that.)
“I hate Wikileaks, the interwebz aint big enuff for da both of us. They steal my retarded site's, name, and they expose the truth about the horrors of war and American Imperialism.”
~ Jimbo "Da Evil Rich Bitch" Wales on Wikileaks
“The policies that anyone can edit as long they're evil and republican.”
~ Jimmy "Jimbo" Wales on Jimbo for prez.
“I would run for President of the United States but I'd have to appoint my awesomeness as VP and the fucking constitution doesn't allow that.”
~ Jimmy Wales on Jimbo for prez.
“Fucking cock deleted my article! Motherfucker, when I get my hands on the cunt someone is going to pay, and it certainly isn't my Oxford comma using ass.Me
~ Jimbo Wales
“Give us your fucking money.”
~ Jimmy Wales's personal appeal on Wikipedia

His Most Imperial Majestic Leader Jimothy (Jimbo) Wales I, 1st Prince of the United States, Paramount Leader of the Internet is a well-known huckster, Hollywood stunt man, con-man, keeper of the Cheese, pornographer, lemon merchant, pro cunt, dictator of Wikiland, and the co-co-co-co-co-co-co-founder of nothing. He has adopted a lifestyle of libertinage, debauchery, nudism, international travel, kitten huffing, yodeling, masturbation and Ferrari connoisseurship by standing on the shoulders of a million nerds. Jumbo Jimbo Wales simply describes himself as a "rockstar, but without the sex and drugs" [1]. He is well known for his amusing stunts which unfortunately do not succeed in being funny without being stupid. These include editing his own biography to pretend that he actually came up with the whole idea, accusing people of killing JFK, Kevin Costner's career and Gerald Ford.

His account has been locked thricewise and twain for vandalism and replacing entire pages with the phrase TROLLS AER THE 1337 several hundred times. His most memorable vandalism was his repeated claim on the Wikipedia page for Uncyclopedia that Uncyclopedia was, in fact, a parody site of Wikipedia, which was a total load of bullshit. In fact, it is the other way around, Jones imprinted some kind of malicious code on the edit page, locking the statement in place for all to see. For a brief time, he was thought to have been directly involved in the Kennedy assassinations of both John, and his brother, John 2.0. Nothing was ever proven, though the CIA case files remain open.

Oh, he also setup the rules of Wikipedia (a.k.a Beggarpedia) such that you can only create articles about what he decides you can. This forces many people to use his other profit making wiki (Wikia) and everyone who uses it hates him because he forces commercial influences onto them. But that's kinda boring eh? So onto the rest of this crap...

Bouncywikilogo7.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jimbo Wales.

Early Life and Childhood[edit]

Jimmy boy was born and raised in the Huntsville, Texas state prison. His father worked as a fluffer and filching man in a gay porn studio. His mother and grandmother operated a tiny brothel called the "House of yearning," where Wales and his six-hundred sixty-five siblings learned sexual positions. On the playground is where he spent most of his days, chilling out maxing, relaxing all cool, and shooting some basketball outside of the school. When a couple of guys, who were up to no good, started making trouble in his neighborhood. Jimmy was beaten and sodomized repeatedly by these troublemakers. Jimmy's mom said, 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air', but they were repulsed by Jimmy and refused to take him in.[1]

Shunned, teary-eyed, crippled (both emotionally and anally), he ran home and hid in his room, crying for hours, writing in his diary under the pseudonym of Anne Frank, seeing that his tears were washing away the ink in his diary. He tried going on the computer to cheer him up, but all the websites he found was just his quote-unquote "friends" going on about how he sucked so bad. And so he thought, "If only there was some way to change what it said on the Internet. To—dare I say it?—edit it!" And so, he created Wikipedia, the Internet's second free-content editable encyclopaedia. Because of his amazing achievement, his ugly, old, homosexual face appears on every Wikipedia page along with another ugly asian lady. Titty MCcocksuck-san.[2]

Hi, I'm Jimbo Wales and I'm amazingly handsome.

Then he was sued for plagiarism from Nupedia. They would've won, if not for the fact that Nupedia fell into a wormhole, and everyone forgot about it, forever. Wikipedia went on to be second only to Uncyclopedia in popularity and awesomeness, due to its annoying habit of having articles that are just useless, nonsensical crap.[3]

Lonely teenage years[edit]

Prior to entering the dubious online encyclopaedia industry, Wales made his first fortune in gay pornography. He confounded Hustler magazine with Larry "Sanger" Flynt, but eventually left to pursue his dream of an online gay pornographic resource that would be free and to which contributions could be made by anyone, preferably while gathered round in a semi-circle wearing only socks. "Flynt" has since disavowed any claims of Jimbo's to a role in Hustler, and Jimbo considers this defeat too embarrassing to admit -- hence discussion of it is banned on Wikipedia, increasing it's reputation as a somewhat oppressive, fascist-run, site.[4]

Huge douchey fag, likes dick drinks piss, eats shit. He also starred in a male version of the two girls one cup video, Two Men one bowl.[5]

Next, Jimmy Whales started Bomis.com, an erotic directory for young males too flacid, timid or too find real porn on the internet. This aspect of Wales's past is considered a roadblock to his aspirations for global political orifice office. Hence, any discussion of it is strictly verboten on Wikipedia, if you know what's good for you unless you also know how to hide a Sockpuppet. Wales is said to refresh and read his biography on Wikipedia at least 5 times an hour to make sure this unfortunate fact doesn't slip in.
Jimbo Wales thinks Chuck Norris is a pussy.
Speaking of unfortunate facts, did you hear that he paid John Seigenthaler Sr. to personally kill John F. Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy, Ronald McDonald, several prominent critics of Ayn Rand, and his own mother? No, you didn't.[6]

Jimbo lets the world and the IRS think that Wikipedia is a legit 503(c)3 tax exempt foundation, when in fact the organization or "outfit" is a front to funnel money to Jimmy directly, which he spends, whoring, gambling, buying Haitian orphans and otherwise humping the known and unknown world. Jimbo used to think that the Wikimedia Foundation was his own personal bank account. The donations from Des Moines and the Hague, all went to Jimbo's various and sundry travel expenses, some times two bucks at a time. A kitten huffing orgy with Elian, a fancy dinner there, a threesome with Osama bin Laden and Jenna Jamison, etc. until the debt he racked up to the foundation accumulated to the hundreds of thousand of dollars. This is the kind of impropriety that would take down someone who worked for a real company. And, let's just say that Jimbo had to be threatened with exposure (not the sexual sort, mind you), before he paid what was owed. His credit card was taken away, making him cry like a girl, never to be given back to him again.[7]

His mortal enemy- (might be good to try and contact) Larry Sanger, born Lawrence Mark Sanger July 16, 1968 in Bellevue, Washington and raised in Anchorage, Alaska, was employed by Jimmy Wales with Bomis, co-founder of Nupedia and Wikipedia, as Editor-in-Chief of Nupedia. Sanger is widely considered the co-founder of Wikipedia alongside Wales; however, Wales rejects crediting Sanger with the honorary appellation, instead preferring to describe Sanger's role as "the office sea monkey".[8]

The Rules Larry Sanger gave to Jimbo[edit]

Before
After
Wikipedia founders enjoy a promenade, 2001. Jimbo is pretending to be Horatio Nelson. Retouched, 2005. "Larry Sanger did not exist. Larry Sanger had never existed." (original edit)
Cquote1.png The first rule of Wikipedia is - you do not talk about Wikipedia. The second rule of Wikipedia is you do not talk about Wikipedia. Third rule of Wikipedia, someone yells 'stop', goes limp, taps out, the edit is over. Fourth rule, only two guys to a edit. Fifth rule, one edit at a time, fellas. Sixth rule, no vandalism, no bots. Seventh rule, edits will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first night at Wikipedia, you have to edit. Cquote2.png

Jimbo Wales, Wikimania 06

Love Life with Wikipe-tan.[edit]

Cquote1.png I just can't stand it. When I see 'her' I can only grit my teeth and clench my fists as hard as I can from jumping out and screaming "I love you!" at the top of my lungs. I literally have to bite down on my tongue, sometimes until it bleeds or else I'll lose control and caress 'her' with kisses until the end of the world. 'She' is just so beautiful. Not in that supermodel Barbie doll way. 'She' is legitimately beautiful. The super models put on make up and dress up and get air brushed so they can look like 'her'. 'She' doesn't need that shit, 'she' is wonderful on 'her' own." And he thinks that blue hair is so cool. And her chest is so nice and flat. Cquote2.png
He enjoys his drink!

Pointless adult life[edit]

Jimbo practicing his favorite pastime: vandalizing Uncyclopedia.
Jimbo Wales at the rudder of Wikipedia, ferries the Knowledge towards new horizons. Jimbo bought these women the Knowledge on eBay. Per his usual behavior, the Paypal account was stolen and the women girls Knowledge later found to be under eighteen.

After being introduced to the concept of a wiki, Sanger proposed Jimbo thought of applying it to an encyclopaedia. Larry's proposition to Wales Jimbo's innovative, completely original idea directly led to the setup of Wikipedia. Sanger was the only paid? (he is owed $$$ millions by Jimbo who ripped Sanger off in a stock swindle and dirty needle exchange program) editor of Wikipedia, a status he held from January 15, 2001, until his resignation on March 1, 2002.[9]

Sanger received his B.A. in philosophy from Reed College in 1991 and Ph.D. in philosophy from Ohio State University in 2000. His doctoral thesis concerned Epistemic Circularity: An Essay on the Problem of Meta-Justification. Just so you'll know that WE are better investigators than any of the Bullshido clowns, LOL.[10]

Sanger in a private interview in a BDSM club admitted that he had a secret crush on Jimbo since they were 35 (about ten million years ago in 1923). Jimbo's spurning of his advances hurt him very deeply and now he spends the rest of his life hating Wikipedia because it's the only way to make the hurt go away.[11] Sanger according to a reliable source never existed.[12]

The Cult of Jimbo[edit]

All hail Chairman Jimbo! Leader of the Internet Revolution!
Jimbo Wales is Watching YOU!
Jimbo Wales as Christmas star

Wikipedophiles look to His Holiness Jimbo Wales as a Divine Being, who rallied nerds from attics and basements of world suburbia in a unified community. Devout wikipedophiles will frequently take a break from arguing succinctly on Pokémon and anarchy Talk Pages to worship His Lord and Master, Creator of All and Font of All Knowledge.[13]

Offerings of contributions must be made to His Lordship Jimbo Wales, usually in the form of fondling his privates on the article dedicated to him. The truly inspired will be gifted with knowledge from the source and go on to create beautiful articles about Soul Calibur characters and documented uses of the Wilhelm Scream in every movie since (1954).[14]

The hierarchy of the Cult of Jimbo is simple: at the very top is His Godhead Jimbo Wales, followed by the Liberal Cabal of Wikipedia and the Wikipedian Jewish Alliance. At the bottom are the Oompa-Loompa's of Wikipedia, continually improving articles on Star Wars characters and ritually pleasuring themselves to WikiCommon's gallery of woman's lingerie.[15]

For his 43rd birthday on August 7, 2009, the cultists gathered around a glowing computer monitor chanting "Edit War! Edit War! Edit War!" and then proceeded to edit all references to Jimbo. The edits were stealthily designed to make one believe that Jimbo is actually not of this world, but instead rode here on a wave of light sometime in the 15th century from the Beta Antarus Nebula, more specifically the third star to the right after you pass the giant penis-shaped cloud. Unfortunately, the cultists have failed, as Google Sky correctly identified the myth and it has edited the real world to blink most of them out of existence. The "Jimtiles", as they're known, are now quite few in numbers due to this disastrous edit war with Google.[16]

The Cult of Jimbo has been known to kidnap monkeys from the zoo for their own nefarious purposes. Also to have sex with them. Moreover members of the cult, decorate Christmas trees with Jimbo on the top instead of the bethlehem star.[17]

The following song was written in support of Jimmy's fundraising appeal: File:The Wikipedia Song.ogg

Powers[edit]

"Jimbo wants everyone to remember WHY... WE... NEED HIM, GODDAMN IT!"
Jimbo forming a ball of energy with his hand.

Jimbo Wales is a semi-sentient being whose power and ego are directly proportional to the number of Wikipedia articles in existence, hence the reasoning behind his cult's dedication to documenting every single person, object, and idea in existence. As Wikipedia's size increases, so does Wales' manhood. Eventually, he will poke all our eyes out with it -- ironic, considering hysterical blindness is one of several known side effects of spending too much time on Wikipedia.

Jimbo claims to be running Wikipedia for the benefit of children in Africa, but the truth is, nothing could please Jimbo more than an African child served with his morning coffee and a cheese Danish. Jimbo adds +1 to his Natural Defense for every five African children consumed. Jimbo also gains +1 Spell Power for every three Asian children devoured. Jimbo recently defeated a hobgoblin using these abilities.[18]

Jimbso disguises himself as a beetroot to avoid awkward questions such as the Wikipedia entry on Steven Colbert

Jimbo is alo completely immune to all known laws, and often uses this for recreational purposes. Often, Jimbo hunts Encyclopædia Britannica founders in busy cities with railguns he designed himself while they attempt to escape the city with a bag of money. This practice was stopped however, when the World Law wiki was vandalized to change this law to a more ludicrous one which enforced that Jimbo had to wear clothes which were not bought from a lumber catalog. Also, his super powers were revoked after he was found vandalizing the causality of space-time to include the Jimbon particle, though Jimbo Wales later demonstrated the ability to guess the number of minutes he could stand in someone's company before they felt the urge to kick his ass.

Did You Know?[edit]

Jimmy Wales as Field Marshal of Wikipedian army. He wants you to bow to him!
Jimbo challenges a student to write his own article. The student was later found dead outside a night club in New Jersey.
  • Official douchebag of the 2012 Summer Olympic Games.
  • University tutors from five different continents have contracts on Jimbo Wales.
  • Jimbo Wales has a special encyclopedia in which "accuracy" is spelled "acccuroocy", no, "ackuracy",no, "aqcuraccy",no, "acuracie", no, "akwarasee",no ,"arkyuwassy",no ,"akshoowrassy",no, "accureracy",no, "ecuwossy",no, "askurossy", no.
  • Next to which it spells "fact" as "phact", no erm, "ffakt",no it's, "phwaqued",I mean, "fucked"
  • Jimbo Wales can speak Parseltongue.
  • Jimbo Wales does NOT know it all. [citation needed]
  • Jimbo Wales was legally married to his penis from June 2, 2007 - June 8, 2007. The two later divorced citing "irreconcilable differences."
  • Jimbo Wales once did the tango with the Devil.
  • OH, HO! JIMBO WALES IS HIDIN' IN TH' STOVE, EH?
  • Jimbo Wales is completely imaginary.
  • Jimbo Wales was involved in the assassination of JFK and later lived in Soviet Russia, where he was officially declared a Ruskie by pro wrestlers everywhere.
  • Arm-wrestled Vince McMahon to a draw.
  • Jimbo Wales' slightly distant look which he appears to adopt for every photograph is actually the result of chronic incontinence. So rather than looking enigmatic he has actually fouled his underwear (again).
  • Jimbo Wales is the name of a county in the Southern United States, where a different citizen (unknown to him) is allowed to kill John F. Kennedy and Robert Kennedy EVERY DAY.
  • JIMBO IS WATCHING YOU ON WHEELS!
  • Jimbo Wales can eat sixteen slices of liverwurst in a single sitting. [citation needed]
  • Jimbo Wales went back in time and became his own grandfather.
  • Jimbo Wales has a sculpture of Barbara Bush created entirely out of bellybutton lint.
  • Third reincarnation of The Master from the Doctor Who TV series.
  • Jimbo Wales should not be confused with the Prince of Wales or with Princess Diana.
  • It should be noted that notorious vandal Willy On Wheels is, in fact, Jimbo Wales vandalizing pages out of boredom and blaming it on others; he considers it a test of loyalty for his disciples.
  • Jimbo Wales bit the head off of a cockroach to impress a girl.
Encyclopedia Brittanica troops take over Wikimedia while Jimbo Wales and his Cuban friend watch.
  • Jimbo Wales is just waiting to get you.
  • Jimbo Wales can count to infinity plus one.
  • Jimbo Wales wears a diaper. The shit he collects from himself later become entries on Wikipedia.
  • Jimbo Wales has no pr0n collection. Instead, he routinely visits the article written about Him and His Holy Achievements.
  • Addresses himself in third person (e.g Jimbo really wants a turkey sandwich.)
  • Jimbo Wales crashed at Roswell in 1947.
  • Jimbo Wales tried to take over the U.S.S. Enterprise but was foiled by Captain Picard and Starfleet.
  • Jimbo Wales can punch his fist through the chest of a yak.
  • Jimbo Wales only travels by TARDIS.
  • Banned in China for being a douchebag.
  • Prefers Tom over Jerry.
  • Hosted ABC's Good Morning America wearing nothing but a speedo and a Richard Nixon mask.
  • Jimbo is a fan of glamour photography, but not child glamor photography.
Jimmy Card from Yu-Gi-Oh!
  • Jimbo kills creepers by exploding.
  • His name is pronounced (J-imbo Wall-ayes).

Feud with Bowser and Death[edit]

Jimbo Wales at the Khitomer Accords. Wales not only brought peace between the Klingons and the Romulans, but also beat Captain Kirk in a bare-knuckle steel cage match in less than two rounds.
It is a known fact that Bowser, Jimbo Wales, and Vince McMahon were the puppet masters behind the Bush administration. Bowser became the one scheduled to become world leader after Jimbo Wales made a bet that Richard Simmons would turn straight (which goes to show how smart he is) and of course lost. Jimbo then got to be scheduled Vice President after he promised McMahon that if McMahon took the Secretary of Defense chair, he could hire a bunch of small-brained bitches to help him. McMahon took it in a heartbeat. However, Bowser Koopa, due to Bush's mistake of molesting a child, started revealing the truth on Wales's website, Wikipedia, in order to help jump start his campaign. Wales thought that it was too soon and could ruin everything, so he blocked Bowser's account. Furious, Bowser made several accounts and began spreading the world's truths in order to make Wales appear as a traitor to the Axis of Evil. Wales eventually found all of them and blocked them as well as Bowser's IP address for six months. Bowser later discovered Uncyclopedia, the enemy of Wikipedia, and began helping spread the truth about Wales's involvement in the Bush administration while hiding his own. The Axis of Evil spread into two parts, those on Jimbo's side and those on Bowser's side. However, Jimbo Wales trusted ally Bert with information on his location, which turned out to be a mistake, since after several years on the run from the F.B.I., Bert was finally captured while trying to order child pornography. Bert, after several hours of torture, gave up Wales's location. Wales and his crew heard of this beforehand, but were unable to escape before the F.B.I. showed up. Wales committed suicide while the other Axis of evil members there, including Oprah, Lex Luthor, the Burger King along with several others were gunned down by the feds. However, Bowser is still at large, and with Wales's death along with other high ranking members he had become the new leader of the Axis of Evil. However Wales currently placed David Spade in charge of Wikipedia, but Spade poses as Wales. Wales's body was chopped up and fed to The Big Show Paul Wight. Jimmy Wales got eight out of ten on "The Chaser's War on Everything."[19]

See also[edit]

Jimbo Wales editing Mass at the First Church of Wikipedia. And lo, he did have sex with a goat, and it went "baaaah."

Reliable references[edit]

  1. Jimmy's "friends"
  2. Ugly asian lady's jealous husband
  3. A very reliable source
  4. A patriot
  5. My neighbor
  6. Jesus H. Christ (1882). "Identifying DNA mononucleotides in hyperbaric malfunctions of ultraintuitive iterations of cyanoid kittuns". Journal of Advanced Fingerpainting. 75(1):1-67
  7. Anonymous (Undated). Untitled. Unpublished. Unpaged.
  8. Jimmy Wales (2003). Today I fed the monkey. Office Supplies. pp.22-34
  9. Albert Einstein (1762). "Why thirteen is not equal to five". The Royal Society of Royal Societies. Queen Latifah's Publishing House. pp.43-87
  10. My mom
  11. Madame Stiletto (2003). Sometimes all a man needs is a penis. Vatican Publishing Co. pp. 1-2
  12. Reliable source
  13. My younger brother
  14. Tomoyuki Yukitomo (1998). "How to cook the best sea urchin with nothing but your dirty underwear". 私のボールを吸う、してください. 45(69):32から67.
  15. Your mom
  16. Googled
  17. Ricky Martin (2011) "I'm gay." Who Cares: The Magazine for People Who Gives a Shit. December-January 2012. pp.1
  18. Nirvana (yesterday) "I think I smell spirited teens" Accessed today
  19. Princess Peach (1987) "Toxic byproducts of deliberate application of pressure on my titties". Vogue July Issue

Unrelated Links[edit]



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