Mr. Peanut

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Ladies and gentlemen: James Earl Peanut.

Mr. Peanut is... well, a peanut. He also goes by the name of DJ P-Salty on the weekends, and when he served as President of the United States under his legal name James Earl Peanut, he would wear blue jeans all day and all night, even when working in the Oval Office. He grew up in the Southern United States where crackers taunted him and sadistically crushed his nuts for fun. Others poked his nuts for good luck and tried to get him to come out of his shell.

The Early Years[edit]

When Mr. Peanut entered the world October 1, 1924, his lineage may have hinted at future greatness but not much else did. Researchers have traced Peanut's ancestry back to British nobility, but in 1924 his father was a pistachio from Georgia, and his mother was a cocktail nut. Jimmy did his chores on the family farm, got good grades in school, and studied nuclear physics at Union College. But after two years working as a nuclear physicist on a Navy submarine, Mr. Peanut's father died, and he left his career to take over the family peanut farm.

Growing up in cosmopolitan Atlanta, Mr. Peanut was a hard shelled rapper, and he released his first record Snap Crack N Salty, by handing it out for free with every bag of peanuts sold out of his delivery truck. The album White Shell Red Nuts went double platinum in '71, making Mr. Peanut successful and helping to get him nominated as the Democratic Party candidate for the office of President of the United States.


Running as an outsider, his reputation was unsalted by the political scandals of his predecessors, And Jimmy Peanut became the first president from the Deep South since before the Civil War. Thus, he was destined to go down in history as the nuttiest president EVER!!! During his first week in office, P-Salty pardoned all Vietnam draft evaders, gave us the National Speed Limit, and best of all, officially welcomed illegal aliens from Mexico and South America. Shortly thereafter Jimmy narrowly survived an assassination attempt by a swimming rabbit. The rabbit was later found dead from mysteriously choking on a peanut.

The most notable accomplishments of Peanut's administration were the SALT II treaty, regulation of the airline and baseball snack service industries, and the lifting of the taxes on peanut oil in the United States. Jimmy also wrote books on the joys of government and politics while in office, a tome on the lessons of peanut farming, and a even a collection of his own poetry. The following is an excerpt of selected poems:

! Gracias El Preisidente Cacahuate por la gran immigracion illegal Mexicano!!!
Peanut: A Haiku
It's not quite a pea
although it seems more nut-like
it is a legume
Watching Peanuts
Peanuts are for many things
Jewelry items, fancy rings
Mixed in candy, baked in pies
I like peanuts in my eyes
Charlie, Snoopy, Lucy too
Tinkerbell, and Winnie the Pooh
All the gang from Schulz's town
Comin' out to party down
Peanut Sales are Down
Peanut sales are down this year --
"Surprising," you might utter,
'Cause during downturn times like this,
Folks reach for peanut butter.
But this year things are different:
I don't slap it on as thick.
Peanut butter's cheap, and yet --
There's other spreads to lick.

The Later Years[edit]

After he served his term as President, DJ P-Salty, Little Debbie and Count Chocula got together (originally to have a delicious gangbang) and formed the ultimate rap gang G-Nutz in rebellion against what they called, "the corruption of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration." From 1986 to 1989 they released two albums, Cashew Millionaire and Let the Shells Hit the Floor, raking in millions and millions of money and treasures. Although they were mainly supported by spoiled rich brats from New England, the ghetto kids of Los Angeles, and what was left of the hippie population in San Francisco, Jimmy Peanut would gain more popularity by touring in concert with the G-Nutz than he ever dreamed of, and to this date he remains the only former President to go on to do something greater than the White House.

"I'm livin' large BITCHES! HA AH AH AH HA A!!! Now get the hell out so I can smoke some almonds!!!"

Mr. Peanut's Decline[edit]

In his late years, Jimmy began to find himself in absurd political situations and was victim to unpredictable aging problems such as peanut butter diarrhea. This would eventually lead to the use of the term "peanut squirts" in American vernacular. He finally hit the bottom of the nut barrel when he decided to wage verbal war on a younger, up-and-coming white nut rapper, Mac Adamia. It is still unclear if James did this to take attention off of his own failing rap career or just to stir the pot and drum up some free publicity. At any rate, it would lead to the eventual obscurity of DJ P-Salty and the G-Nutz gang, as there is nothing sadder than an angry aging rapper in a stupid peanut suit.

See also[edit]