John Cena

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John Cena showing us how many shit trucks he owns
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“We've Cena Nuff”
~ Oscar Wilde on John Cena's Title Reign

John Cena, also known as King Cracker Jack I of Wiggaton,was born to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, but later had his last name changed to Cena. Cena is famous for being the only black world champion in WWE history (King Booker is British). Cena is also famous for the increase of the suicide rate among wrestling fans because the WWE refuses to let him lose the title.

He hails the bowels of his parent's basement, he also regularly does some Christian rap with his choir, and makes excessive squeaking sounds.

He is widely recognized as being the douchiest professional wrestler in the history of the business. This conclusion was reached after analyzing everyone's IQ, incoherent babbling and stool samples.

Early Life

Cena was planning to be a circus performer, but at a young age dropped out of school to become a profesional black man. As a result, he was hired and became the most marketable black man in the WWE because he is a white bitch. While visiting a local soup kitchen, he met up with Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg passed his magic blunt Cena at a tupperware party, which gave Cena the power to be mediocre while fooling the unintelligent into thinking he's great.

Music (You people call that music?)

His music led him into a rap-battle with Hulk Hogan of the Scientific Advancement Corporation. It was one of those moments in which Hogan actually lost. Hulk Hogan was so pissed off he took a shit in a urinal.

John Cena's music has often been compared to the sound of Gilbert Gottfried throwing up on Vince McMahon's asshole.

John Cena has often been compared to Corky from "Life Goes On" while in the studio.

Wrestling Career

John Cena is undoubtedly the most suck-cessful WWE star in the company, mostly because other stars like Triple H and Edge only got where they are by porking either the boss's daughter or their best friend's girl. John Cena went straight for the boss's sausage and wallet.

He quickly became an instant hit. Whilst some would say he sucks, it's quite obvious that he is in fact black, his merchandise sales have rocketed, and he continues to succeed despite his waiter's overwhelming jealousy of him.

Cena has held the Untied States title 3 times, The Tag Titles with Shawn Michaels as "The Rockers Of Thuganomics," and the WWE title in the WWE, he has never lost it and never will until merchandise sales drop as he leeches power from them. It has been said that only pathetic and depressed waiters hope this will happen, but sadly for them it's unlikely until Triple H decides to not be injured. However, it doesn't change the fact that he does, in fact, suck.

Cena has given out countless main-event matches which surprisingly most of which have been passable for true wrestling due to his "thundering" moves of laying someone on their back and the F-U, named in response to all his wimpy waiters. He also employs a technical wrestling hold known as the STFU which is an acronym for Soil The Fresh Underwear. This is something his waiters should do because of their constant bitching, they won't make Cena go away, just like stains in fresh underwear.

Today, Cena is still mostly popular with children, fat black women, and transsexuals. But recently he has also gained a strong suburban white male fanbase as well. These fans are the worst because they can't take any negativity towards their Wigga King and will censor anything that makes fun of him, even if the result of their edits is just not funny and turns into a dick-sucking contest.

The only places he continues to get booed in is Canada, the land nobody gives a shit about. It has been hypothesized that the reason some people boo Cena is because they wanna be a rebel and cheer against the company's most marketable star, but in reality, their booing isn't making Cena go away. In fact, it's pushing him even more. It's actually quite funny how these retarded waiters think they can make a wrestler disappear just by booing him. If that did in fact work then wrestlers like Edge , Hulk Hogan , Kevin Nash, all 93 members of the nWo , Triple H, even though he should have retired a long time ago due to him being the most boring champion in the last 10 years , and Mark Henry.

Other Crap, Like Movies

Cena has also recently gone into acting as well and has achieved moderate success with both. Of course his waiters will typically tell you that his music and his movie sucked. But if you attribute that his CD was sold at truck stops and that his movie was a lot better received than Stone Cold's movie "The Condemned", a movie in which the fans thought the once former "rebel" WWE icon could deliver, but surprisingly it did far worse than Cena's and Kane's movie did in theaters and was not even the least bit entertaining.

Waiters

Waiters hate John Cena.

“Wiggas Never Tip”

~ Oscar Wilde, a long-time waiter

Most people with common sense would think of his waiters as desperate, depressed, and obese emo kids that continue to live in their parent's basements and do nothing all day but watch wrestling dvds. But they're wrong, they're just waiters.

Personal Life

John Cena likes to poop. At least twice a day, every day, he lets his ass explode into a bucket. He catalogs each sample according to size, weight, aroma, and taste. He owns a sewage treatment business to aid him in this process.

John Cena loves the United States Armed Forces. He first developed this love after meeting a Sergeant in the Marine Corps on shore leave. After leaving Cena with herpes and departing for outer space and getting exploded by a giant space squid with a baby's head, Cena spreads his love for the soldiers.

Like all members of his race, he enjoys sparkly stuff that spins. It is reported that he put a spinner on his championship belts to distract him from how bad his acting, wrestling, and rapping is and to make him forget that he is a whore for the WWE.

Perhaps his most popular wrestling tagline, "You can't see me," stemmed from a sentence John said to former boyfriend and sometimes fuckbuddy Randy Orton after being blinded from meth he took.

When Will John Cena Lose The Damn Title?

“When someone will give a rat's ass about my signs!”

~ The Sign Guy that was on one episode of Deal or no Deal and suddenly became famous

“When I perform a 619!”

~ Big Show

“When I actually die and don't come back!”

~ The Undertaker & Vince McMahon

“He'll lose it when I win it and hog it myself!”

“Hey yo, chico that jabroni will lose it when I meet him right down there! Down Where? You.... Well you guys can figure the rest out.”

“I'll challenge him right now... nevermind I have to take another year off for my quad. Que the My Sacrifice song boys!”

“AT SUPERBRAWL SATURDAY!?! I DONT KNOW!!!!!!”

“We all love John Cena!!”

“When I stop taking prescription painkillers!”

“When this marriage is FINALLY OVER!!!!!”

~ Karen Angle

“He'll lose the title once I'm sober and learn how to wrestle!”

“When I stop being called by these goddamn, motherfucken, cocksucken, clam lickin, asshole, turdburgular, shitmonger, hepcat ballsuckers about their goddamn mullets, viagra in NASCAR, flag-day, homogenized schools, Ellen Degeneres wanting to teach my kids how to be gay, telemarketing, white kids coming to my house and their goddamn cool black women wanting me to pay child support for a half-black kid that isnt even fucking mine!”

~ Mr. Bergis

“Jab mera Loollah baraa ho ga!”

~ (when I learn to speak english)The Great Khali

“When I get past mid-card-status!”

“He won't!”

“When I realize that I am no longer a sexy boy at my ridiculously old age!”

“When I Brush My Teeth!”

~ Snitsky

“When I chokeslam The Great Khali”

~ Hornswoggle

“When I become World Heavyweight Champion”

~ Little Boogeyman

“When the president stops wearing blood soaked underwear”

“Last time I gave a shit, I got FUCKED!!!”

“We don't want to”

~ Cena haters on not seeing John Cena

“Ah...well, too bad bitches”

~ Cena on his haters

“My Grandpa died 15 years ago, and nobody gave a SHIT!!!”

“When I forget to bring the shallaleigh to to the ring”

“When I win the cruiserweight championship of the world”

~ the Big Show

“When I am thin”

“When I realise my name is Monty Brown.”

~ Marcus Cor Von

“When I become black again.”

“When I finally get off weed.”

“When I get into the WWE Hall of Fame.”

~ Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Filmography

301 Angry Wiggas: Cena's New Movie Poster!
  • The Marine (2006)
  • The Moron (2007)
  • Vince McMahon's Tax Shelter (2007)
  • 301 Angry Wiggas (2008)
  • Anal-Dialogue with Batista (2010)
  • The Champ still sucks 1st Edition (2013)
  • The Champ still sucks 2nd Edition (2052)
  • The Champ still sucks 3rd Edition (2089)
Preceded by:
Vince McMahon
WWE Championship
2005-The Rest Of Forever
Succeeded by:
none, he was the last champion