John Deighton

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“If one could so eloquently and so truthfully speak from the aether as Gassy Jack, that one could rule the world. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Gassy Jack and Rear-Speak
Statue Commemorating the Saint of Smelly, Gassy Jack.

John Deighton (November 1830 – May 29, 1875), generally known as "Gassy Jack",[1] was the legendary Canadian billionaire super-hobo bar owner turned Mayor who, in 1742 saved the world from destruction by the hands of Steve Jobs and his army of Emo iPods.

For his valiant work saving the planet from over-done iEmo, Gassy Jack was given a small slice of the Iraq No-Fly-Zone as his own city, GasTown. Jack eventually retired into a hotel made of used Tires and Banana skins where he faded into eternity. His Bar is what attracted most people to GasTown, dispensing liquid joy to all girls and boys.

The following facts are known about Gassy Jack:

  • Was Born in Hull (Three vowels from Hell), Yorkshire, England
  • He invented the Bean Burrito
  • He was scented like a Saint made out of an Outhouse
  • His Banana-skin house inspired Martha Stewart to follow suit.
  • He invented the Birthday Suit (Shown being worn on the statue to the right)
  • On Christmas he would run around throwing Hobo-Bindles (Sticks with polka-dot sacks on the end) at people.

The Legend of Gassy Jack Begins[edit]

Burrard Inlet, as pictured unlabeled between Ethiopia and Yemen
RainMellon frolicking with a young Hobo Jesus prior to her ample endowment to Gassy Jack.

Legend (And Greater Vancouver's Website) says that the man known as John Deighton had a successful steamship business in the 1850s. However, a painful swelling of the lower extremities forced him into other lines of work. The most successful would be Gold Rush Bar Owner and part time Hobo, between 1862 and 1867 Gassy Jack ran his bar into the ground. He later opened a new one on the Burrard Inlet (as pictured to the right) in partnership with his Hippie Native-American Common-Law wife, RainMellon. With little more than $6 in his pocket, a few sticks of furniture, a yellow dog, a bottle of whiskey and a minor case of Scabies Symplex B, the bar had to be built fast. This bar was built by idle Yak Salesman who were given all the Liver 'n Onions they could stomache. His patrons were mainly Sailor Scouts, Yak Salesmen, Cat Huffers and Homosexual Steel Mill Workers. The access to alcohol brought plenty of people from the surrounding area to the bar for beer (and drunken sex), as the next closest bar was nearly 25 Kilometers away in New Westminster. The area around it came to thus be known as Gas Town (after his rampant flatulence), though this name you be re-used later. His bar was later Demolished when the Town of GranVille was established from the blown out and trampled rubble of the small community he was in. It was afterwards rebuilt as Deighton's Burrito Stand and Bar where he served the Gassiest of Monterey "Gassy" Jack Bean Burritos. However, due to complications, RainMellon later passed away. Thus, the mantle of Gassy Wife (As arranged by RainMellon on her deathbed) fell to her 12 year old Neice, Quihail-Ya (AKA Madeline, Matrine or Whip Mistress).

The following year (1871)), at the age of 40. Jack gave birth to Madeline's son, a boy by the name of Richard Mason. He was named after Jack's dead brother (ergo, the boy's dead uncle). The local Pedophile described him as "a chubby little Indian boy with a very broad face who used to play around Gastown. He was such a dear little fellow, and they nicknamed him the Earl of Granville". The year is also noteworthy because it is when Burrard Colony (BC) became part of greater Unamerica.

In Victorian times the term 'to gas' referred to talking a lot, something which Captain Gassy had become famous for, however, the modern rendition of 'to gas' has been attributed to Gassy Jack as well, as it was he that brought that modern term to (musical) fruition. However, by the time his reputation spread worldwide, he was so far on death's door he was already inside, admiring the drapes, wiping his feet on the rug and being sniffed by the dog.

Totally in Context Quotes[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about John Deighton.

“At some future day when Vancouver becomes the emporium of the Pacific shores the name of the first permanent settler will be sought out by historians and given a name as great as that for which many thousands have ventured limbs, lives and fortunes. Yet the already-locally famous Gassy Jack never sought for fame, nor had he the least atom of hero about him.”

~ Ancient Mariner on how to be a hero without a clue.

“I can assure you it was a lonesome place when I came here first. Surrounded by Indians, I dare not look outdoors after dark. There was a friend of mine, about a mile distant, found with his head cut in two.”

~ Gassy Jack on writing to his brother in England about the new Indian hairstyle sweeping Burrard Inlet.

“He recited his adventures and railed at hypocrites.. to all who came through as old acquaintance, or thirst, or curiosity to his bar and would drink his whisky.”

~ Ancient Mariner on how to get ready for Steamboat drag-racing!

“You and I may never see it but this inlet would make the nicest of harbors. It will be a port some day.”

~ Gassy Jack on how he enjoys harboring rogue snifters of port in his belly.

“His name was a household word with most of our citizens. He was the first and best pilot on the Fraser.”

~ The Guardian Newspaper on why the entire colony was doomed.


  1. Not to be confused with Jack Thompson.