John Frusciante

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“I can't tell whether or not he's just some homeless guy.”

~ Oscar Wilde on John Frusciante
John Frusciante

John Frusciante.jpg

Real name John Anthony Motherfuckin' Frusciante
Mistaken for A homeless person
Veteran in War of Rock
Essentials
Born in 1970
Disappeared 2090
Part of Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Flea Klan, The Poo Poo's, The Tittie Fuckers, The Kiedus Kunt Kwortet
Occupation Guitar Player, Hobo, Sex Machine
Occupation #2 Backing Vocalist, Getting Laid, Porn Viewer
Things like that John Frooshearntee has not time for games
Weapons His Cock
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about John Frusciante.

John Frusciante has a FUCKING COMPLICATED last name. It is till yet to be pronouced correctly. He also plays the guitar for a band of vegetable items who like to be called The Red Hot Chili Peppers. He is also noted for being the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. John Frusciante is noted for his ability to manipulate his weapon of choice (this life he chose a guitar, that he manipulates with his fingers instead of the cosmic forces he preaches about.) He's also known for writing about things no one else would write about, mainly mirrors, time and water. Once in his life, he took up origami but escaped unhurt, somehow. Yeah, riiight.

This Is What It Really Is About[edit]

Unlike many other human, John Frusciante is capable of appearing in more than once place at the same time as well as for multiplying himself. The reason for this probably lies in the complicated John Frusciante theory, developed by the professors of the Loonyversity in 2007, after years and years of hard work. If you were lucky to see more than one John Frusciante in different places, consider yourself smarter than 90% of the population. If you were lucky to see more than one John Frusciante at the same place at the same time, consider yourself smarter than 98% of the population. Apparently, there is a connection with Jesus, but not the original one. John Frusciante and his clones are, in fact, more similar to Personal Jesus. One of the key clues in proving this were his eleven solo albums. Seriously, how could one single human make seven of them in one single year?


Early Life[edit]

John was actually born as a tuxedo kitten named Jesus (that is probably why people mistake him for Jesus, and even Lorem Ipsum Jesus somewhere in the heart of Queens, New York, as the pet of This Guy and Me. Naturally, he hated the atmosphere at his home, so as soon as he grew up he ran away to the sewer, where he met Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who accidentally peed on him and, as they were radioactive, he mutated into a human. Having crawled back on the street, he was found by two nice people who decided to adopt him.

At age 2 while attending a local daycare, unaware of his God induced guitar skills, John picked up a toy guitar and started to jam. He quickly got the attention of the rest of the children at the daycare who could not look away from the awesomeness taking place and also because he was only wearing a baby tube-sock, so he was also arrested for indecent exposure and taken to the baby prison Ding-Ding. However, they let him go very fast, as he was singing backing vocals in his cell. Unfortunately, due to their small brain size, the other jailed toddlers children could not comprehend how awesome the moment was.

In 1988, John Frusciante met Anthony Kiedis and Flea, who got him into the band of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. he is god!!

With the Chili Peppers[edit]

Ummm...John Frusciante

Frusciante recorded his first album with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and it was called Mother's Milk. He enjoyed making this album because he got to lay across a giant woman's bare chest to make the album cover. However, the giant woman rejected him as he was underage and too tiny, so she opted for Chad Smith instead. The next album they made was BloodSugarSexMagik. Since he forgot he was kitten-Jesus and not human-Jesus, John hated the sinful title of the album and he ran away while on tour in Japan. While away from the band, the Chili Peppers, John was doing origami. In 1996, he almost died due to a hazardous paper cut. However, as he was born as a kitten, he had another life, which saved him. Piece of paper he was writing on was put on trial and found guilty, then torn to thousends of little pieces. Unfortunately, Flea ended up eating those remainings of paper, which resulted in a huge gap between his front teeth.

After this, John focused on backing vocals and the next chapter is about it.

The Skill Of John Frusciante As A Vocalist[edit]

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Solo Career[edit]

In mid life Frusciante was forced out of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, by Chad citing union difficulties. John retreated to the studio where he became somewhat less Jesus. He moved his stuff into the 6th Dimension where he fished for songs, catching more than the other guys on the boat. He walked back across the dimension (to the apocolyptic amazement of his deciples) and used his songs to make *Niandra Lez and usually some Sandals. The album included the acclaimed hit-hit Your Pussy Is Glued To A Building On Fire written about a struggle to woo a girlfriend of band mate Anthony Kieis during one of the couples' notorious sex games. During the coming months, John disguised himself as a guitarist by cutting his hair, but by the time it grew back, he was unmistakably the Son Of God. Harder still for John was the realisation that his awesome guitar tallents were wasting away due do the amount of miracles he was taking, whilst injecting miracles John's arms became permanently scarred and by the time he gained the strength to get over his miracle "addiction" (addiction does not exist for Jesus, but he decided to take miracles every day, though), his solo activities were no longer fulfilling his genius guitar playing needs. He re-joined The Chilis but continues to write and perform solos (not miracles) on his own in his room.

Discography[edit]

  • 1994 - Niandra's a Lez and usually some Sandals
  • 1997 - I made some songs which you will pay me for so I can buy drugs
  • 1999 - It's OK They Made Me Some New Teeth From My Hip
  • 2001 - I tried to record no music for 10 days
  • 2004 - Shadows Collide with People..... maaan am I on some good crack!
  • 2004 - Monday
  • 2004 - Tuesday
  • 2004 - Wednesday to Death
  • 2004 - Ataxia - A Few Basslines
  • 2004 - Friday I
  • 2004 - Friday II
  • 2004 - ABDCEFGHIJKLMONP
  • 2004 - Saturday
  • 2004 - Sunday (Day Off)
  • 2004 - A Circle of Emptiness
  • 2004 - Mirror water spheres
  • 2004 - A Thing inside a Cone
  • 2005 - Ataxia - 5 more basslines
  • 2007 - Thursday Night's...Not Alright
  • 2007 - Sunday Is A Pornogrpahy Day
  • 2009 - The Penguin
  • 2012 - Pornographic Funk Zone for Italian Individuals
  • 2014 - Gorilla Enclosure

Future[edit]

In the year 2090, after having published his 30th album of the album-a-day-of-the-month series (there were no 31 albums because it was November), which was his 5674th solo album overall John decided to settle down for a while and he went to the 4th Dimension to marry his spirit bride. He was never seen again. There are stories on how he ended up reincarnacted as the post-modern Rapunzel, then tripped on his own hair and ended up being reincarnated as a tree. But, however, by then we all died, so we cannot confirm this, sorry.

His fans at the time, however, paid a tribute to him, by praising his intelligence and promising they'd continue his mission. The tribute was respectful, witty and literate, like his fans have always been:

Intelligent discussion


See Also[edit]