John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
“What was his name again?”
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was born on February 25, 1812 in the small German town of Düsseldorf to impoverished German astronomical photographers at the tender age of 0. As a child, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was constantly teased by the other German children for his bizarre sexual attraction to people sharing the same name. His cruel classmates used to rape him in the rear end and they would sing never-ending songs about him and his deviant predicaments, much to Schmidt's continuing embarrassment.
In 1829, Schmidt left his home town of Düsseldorf and his prized collection of sauerbratwursts in disgust, swearing he would, one day, obtain eternal vengeance upon his childhood tormentors.
Having gained admission to the Polytechnische Universität der Angewandten Deutschen Astronomischen Fotographie, Schmidt obtained eternal vengeance upon his childhood tormentors by raping all of their mothers. the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt camera, thereby singlehandedly revolutionizing the art of German astronomical photography. Unfortunately, Schmidt was forced to turn in his Nobel Prize in German Astronomical Photography after he was caught by Totally Hidden Video in a compromising relationship with a fellow 'John Jacob' at the Hamburg Observatory.
Because of the constant teasing by his fellow astronomical photographers forcfully stripping him down, and throughing him around in poison ivy, until he was red and itching. This is when they would beat him on the ground with spoons and toilet seats and then rape him over again. This latest indiscretion, Schmidt retired in disgust, swearing he would, one day, obtain eternal vengeance upon his scientific tormentors by spreading clamidia to all.
John practiced the fine art of prostitution, which helped to support his 25 children. He was what one would call, "cheap".
Shortly after the Hamburg Observatory scandal, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt's name was further defaced when he was caught breaking into an elderly woman's home and trying to get away with a rather valuable collection of antique torture devices. After spending several days in jail, he legally changed his name and went into public hiding. It was many years later that he was accidentally found dead in a German discothèque in West Berlin, after having consumed 99 bottles of Löwenbräu Lite. At his childhood home, his relatives found a Last Will and Testament hidden in his fourth garage next to a broken-down ice cream truck. The will stated that his entire estate (consisting solely of a rather large stash of erotic frankfurters) should be left to a walrus named Harriet at the San Francisco Zoo.
- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schimdt thinks that Miranda Mark's clothes are great!
- Fans of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt are known as "Schmidt Heads", and commonly are seen in bars wearing colorful shirts and lederhosen while drinking Margaritas as they listen to his music.
- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt the famous German astronomical photographer is often confused with John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt the infamous German serial murderer, even though the two individuals hail from completely different parts of Germany and/or are in no way related. To each other. Yep, no proven connection whatsoever. Though, one can only imagine what would happen if Schmidt knew...
- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, That's My Name, What Of It? (1823)
- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is Still My Name (1829)
- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt's Greatest Hits (1896)