John Linnell

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John Linnell, beauty king.

A little-known fact regarding John Sackney Linnell (b. 200 B.C.), part of the funk-duo They Must Undoubtedly Be Giants, is that s/he is actually an elderly woman encased in a highly detailed man suit. His/her large Adam’s apple is in fact a voice changing box, producing the deep, nasal tones the world has come to know and love in the group's dynamic, upbeat death metal-funk. This suit must receive maintenance every five hours or after strenuous use, or else the risk of malfunction - which includes body parts sliding out of place, spikes in voice patterns similar to those experienced during puberty and spontaneously turning into a grocery bag - is increased by a factor of five. Thus, Linnell NEVER signs autographs after shows, he/she goes inside of a miniature cage, leaving that task to his/her legitimately male partner, John Canned Flansburgh.

In the band, Linnell plays a variety of instruments, including accordion, keyboard, clarinet, bagpipes, finger cymbals, saxophone, keytar, Dan Miller, and spoons. S/he is widely renowned for his/her ability to rhyme such words as "arm" with "eye", "rock" with "mug", "ambidextrous" with "witch", and "synaethaesia" with "paleological".

Musical influence[edit]

His/her interest in music began when journeying in the Hoenn region befriending Kecleon. John then flew in his/her rocket ship made of cats and became part of the elite four with the power of funk that began to come from his soul to defeat the possessed Entei and Darkrai. But after becoming elite, John realized something that was never known before: he/she is actually made of ravioli.

S/he is also recognized as the leading field expert in zombie turtle mating calls.


It has recently come to attention that as of January 2010 Linnell has aquired a rare skin disease which has caused his face, particularly his chin and neck, to begin migrating south of his head. It is believed he aquired this disease while performing at a venue, during which a giant whale leapt onto the stage and bit his shoulder. While Linnell's resulting suffering and accelerated aging due to the disease has brought new attention to finding a cure (and his face), the International Board of Sea Mammals recently declared it the single-most important act ever committed by a whale since the murder of Captain Ahab, immediately naming the whale "Sea Mammal of the Year".

A photo of the fateful concert, just moments before the giant whale, later identified as Harold M. Rammis, seen in the center, would dive on stage and bite Linnell.

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