John Luck Picard
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“A good Captain, a great friend, and one hell of a tea-maker”
~ Q on John Luck Picard
John Luck Picard is was an officer in the British Royal Navy. He played a major role in the sinking of the Spanish Armada, during which he commanded the H.M.S. Enterprise.
Contents |
[edit] Early life and career
According to his personnel file, released by The British Royal Navy, John Luck Picard was born in San Francisco, United States, Earth on 13 July 1705 to Mara and Eva Picard. He grew up on the dangerous streets of San Francisco, all the while dreaming of leaving and joining a naval fleet. He was consequently bullied as a young boy by his oldest brother, Robbie.
As a child, he yearned for adventure, which caused much trouble for him in school. Coupled with a strange family life (being one of the few children at the time to have two mothers), things did not look up for young Picard. He was eventually expelled from his high school, James T. Clark High[1] for illegal drug-use and cheating. Following this expulsion, he enrolled in the British Naval Academy,[2] where he excelled and was given high marks. He graduated second in his class[3] and was given the rank of Lieutenant, Junior Grade.[4]
It was on his first posting, the H.M.S. HMS, that he met his life-long friend Q. Q was a galley cook at the time[5] and he instantly took to John Luck. Due to John Luck's unique dietary needs[6], the two spent many off-duty hours together; the friendship they sparked on this vessel would last a lifetime.
Before leaving the H.M.S. HMS, Picard had reached the rank of Lieutenant Commander.
[edit] Promotion through the ranks
His next posting was on the H.M.S. Seagazer. It was here that he met another lifelong friend, Captain Re.[7] From the Seagazer, he sent many letters to Q, whom wrote many letters back. The two continued their friendship for many years.
During his service on the Seagazer, the vessel was attacked by the feared Pirate, Captain Jack Crusher. Captain Re was killed during the initial assault, as a cannon ball took off his pretty little head. This instantly promoted Picard to Commander. As luck would have it, the Commander (whom was now actually a Captain, anyway) didn't like Picard, so he challenged him to a duel. Picard, knowing that he'd lose said duel, swam ashore. After swimming ashore, he contacted Robin Hood, the greatest swordsman in the world, who told him to contact The Dread Pirate Roberts, who was actually the greatest swordsman in the world.
After contacting Roberts, Picard swam to Roberts's secret base, where he learned that Robing Hood was actually Roberts, but that Roberts was not Robin Hood. After pondering how that works, he learned how to sword fight. After many intense hours of training, Picard swam all the way back to the H.M.S. Seagazer and accepted the duel-challenge from the Commander (now a Captain, anyway).
Picard easily won the duel, piercing The Commander (Really, can we call him something else, he's a fucking Captain!) through the heart, then removing his head in one swift blow.[8]
[edit] Captain of the H.M.S. Seagazer
Since he slayed the former Captain of the Seagazer, and removed his head, Picard gained all of his powers. This, of course, made him the Captain.[9]
Now that Picard was Captain of his own vessel, he decided to do his old friend Q a favor, so he wrote him a letter. In the letter, he invited Q to come to the Seagazer.
An excerpt from the letter:
To the Honorable Sir Known as Q, the Seventeenth Letter of His Majesty's Alphabet:
It is on this day, with great presence, perserverance and purview, the I have made Captain of my very own vessel, the H.M.S. Seagazer. I would invite thou, being the good sir that you are, to join me on said vessel and partake in being a member of my experienced, yet humble crew.
His Battle-Ready Commandship, John Luck Picard
Q was elated by the news and set for immediate sail (via an inflatable liferaft) for the Seagazer, even though he didn't know where it was.
As luck[10] would have it, The Seagazer was destroyed after being hit by a pocket of gas escaping the sea floor. Other than the good Captain Picard, all hands were lost.[11]
[edit] Captain of the H.M.S. Enterprise
The Royal Navy was very upset at the pathetic loss of the Seagazer, but could never stay angry at the baby-faced Picard, so they gave him another shot.
When the Seagazer was tragically destroyed, a new war- and exploration-ship was being built in the Solomon Islands Shipyards. This ship, capable of going at least 20% more knots faster than any previous RN vessel, was to be named The Enterprise, after a vessel on a campy science-fiction television show from the 1960s.
Captain Picard's first order of duty was to find a new first-mate for his fine new vessel. He, of course, enlisted the help of none-other than Q, his long-time best-friend and compatriot.
During this time, Captain Picard, his friend Q, and their vessel[12] full of hearty sailors, went on many adventures around the world.
[edit] The Encounter at Australia
“What does a stingray need with a sailing ship?”
~ Q
During the "Encounter at Australia", the H.M.S. Enterprise was attacked by a very large sting-ray. The sting-ray managed to pierce the heart of Snobby, the outrageously stereotypical head repairman. The ship's medical officer, MacGyver, was able to get to him in time and create an antidote, using goat urine, cow's milk and chicken egg whites.
In the mean time, the stingray had captured Captain Picard. Q set-sail to follow the stingray, and save his old friend. Eventually, the Enterprise was able to catch-up with it. Upon making contact, they found that the stingray and was holding him hostage, and demanded safe passage to the Atlantic Ocean. Upon hearing these demands, Q said his now-famous phrase, "What does a stingray need with a sailing ship?". Through some brave chicanery, the Enterprise crew was able to save Captain Picard and fool the stingray. Once back abord his ship, Picard ordered the destruction of the stingray, and the Enterprise crew feasted on delicious sushi that evening.
[edit] The Encounter at Austria
During the "Encounter at Austria", as Royal Navy records call it, the crew of the H.M.S. Enterprise met The Terminator, a humanoid-cybernetic killing machine from many years in the future.
While sailing in the Mediterranean Sea, the crew of the Enterprise met some stranded sailors of the Austrian Navy. Being the nice, kind-hearted people that they were, the crew helped get them home. However, upon arriving in Austria, they were double-crossed by Austrian Emperor Arnold Schwarzenegger. He led them into a trap that involved The Terminator, two clowns, three dogs, four guns, five golden rings, and Adolf Hitler. Q shouted "DAMN YOU, ARNOLD!" at the top of his lungs, but soon calmed down after realizing that there was a seven-second delay.
The Enterprise crew was captured and sealed in an almost empty room. However, being resourceful, they managed to escape and defeat the bad guys in the fifteen-minutes that were left.
[edit] The Battle of Wolfenstein 3D9
In "The Battle of Wolfenstein 3D9", the Enterprise crew was transported into the future, during the period of World War 2. They found themselves in the middle of a battle field in Germany. Using cunning and quick-wit, they were able to escape to a demilitarized zone and plan a means of escaping.
Using Q's quick-wit and Picard's lady-charming-abilities, they were able to come away from the city with the necessary parts[13]. They used the parts to build a time-warp-device, which they had learned about from The Terminator in "The Encounter at Austria", and were transported back to their regular time.
[edit] The Defeat of Captain Jack Crusher
It turns out the events of this episode never actually occurred, and were part of an alternate-timeline.
[edit] Retirement
File:QAndPicardOnDeck.jpg After retiring from the Royal Navy, John Luck and his friend, Q, sailed around the open seas on their personal vessel. Together, they visited many tropical ports, laid wasted to many coastal cities, and got laid by many, many beautiful women.[14]
Their favorite activity was to sip pina coladas in the Caribbean,[15] while paying locals absurd amounts of money[16] to bring them fresh crustaceans from the sandy sea-floor.
[edit] Death
File:Picarddead.jpg Captain John Luck Picard was killed by Greedo, a Nausican bounty hunter, on August 14th, 1901. He was stabbed through the back over a matter of eighty-dollars.
His funeral was attended by many of the women he made love to throughout his years as an officer in the British Royal Navy, including the Queen of the British Empire.
The services were short, sweet, and to the point, and lacked any keynote speakers. His long-time friend, Q, was present, but said few words.
Captain Picard was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetary in Arlington, VA, US, even though he had never served in the United States military.
[edit] See also
- Jean Luc Picard is the great8-grand-son of John Luck Picard
- John Luck Picard is the great8-grand-father of Jean Luc Picard
[edit] Notes
- ↑ Named for the great explorer, James T. Clark, whom with his friend, Merriwhether LaForge, led a a great five-year expedition to explore the Midwest.
- ↑ They'll take anyone.
- ↑ Beaten-out by one "Austin D. Powers".
- ↑ Skipping, of course, the rank of Ensign, because one pip just wasn't enough for John Luck.
- ↑ After being busted down for insubordination and impersonating a high-ranking officer.
- ↑ He subsists solely off of Earl-Grey tea leaves.
- ↑ Re's life, not Picard's, as Re tragically died upon this vessel when it was attacked by Captain Jack Crusher.
- ↑ After saying "There can be only one... Commander... Err, Captain."
- ↑ As we all know, as far as Captains go, there can be only one.
- ↑ Or, perhaps, non-luck.
- ↑ And some feet, too.
- ↑ "Wessel" in some Slavic dialects.
- ↑ As well as a few STD's.
- ↑ And some ugly men.
- ↑ Which turned-out to not be such a bad place once those pirates were all gone.
- ↑ Absurd to the locals, anyway...
