Pope John Paul 2.0

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“He's two of the Beatles
~ Tamia
“I'm the first”
~ John Paul Jones on primacy


John Paul, at the height of his power in 1989, nearly ruins it all by getting shitty for St. Paddy's Day and taking a Holy Pee on the Blarney Stone

Karol Józef Wojtyła P.B.U.H. (b.May 18th, 1920, d.April 2nd, 2005, resurrected April 4th, 2005) was a Polish man known in some circles as Pope John Paul II/2.0 and in other circles as J2P2 and Pope John Paul George Ringo. For nearly three decades, Wojtyła would wear silly hats, sit on ornate thrones, be protected by a group of Swiss guys in funny costumes, and ride in a fancy bulletproof car driven by someone more expendable. Sometimes he spoke, and when he did, billions of Jews, Muslims, Protestants, Hindus, Taoists, and Buddhists (not to mention atheists, agnostics, newborns, scientists, people on life support, dogs and Scientologists) listened.

But, a select group of Christians, a gnostic group called "The Catholics" paid rapt attention to each and every great word that escaped Wojtyła's lips, looking to him as a leader of sorts, even though he was not Italian. To them, he was "Il Papa" and for many of them the Pope, defining what a pope should be, look, and smell like. John Paul 2 contracted a case of Mad Boeing's Disease after kissing the tarmac at Jakarta Airport in 1991, and suffered many years of intermittent armflapping before finally succumbing. Though attempts to replace him after his passing in 2005 have met with some success, his memory lingers on in the halls of the Vatican, manifested primarily as a particularly mischievous poltergeist who answers to "His Holiness."

He was great-ish

Later Than Early Days[edit]

A young George Ringo II.

But the aspirations of his youth wilted under the intense reality of living in a material world -


But young Wojtyła did poorly at his studies, and, citing ADD and general malaise, he dropped out of school and started the Polish punk scene in 1942. Though he openly discussed getting a band together to record some tracks, Wojtyła couldn't find a drummer, and had to be content with being the Jessie Camp of his generation.

After hosting Krakow's Polka Requests Live for a few months, in 1943 Wojtyła became belatedly aware that the Germans were occupying Poland. He acted quickly, joining a secret seminary run by the Archbishop of Krakow. There, Karol learned to pray - and he prayed every day for the Germans to go away. Wojtyła was so dedicated to praying that the Germans would leave, he wrote a new prayer:

Our Lord, Who Art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
The Nazis came, it's pretty lame
And we wish they'd go back to Dresden.

Obviously he was the first punk preist, and he was also Polish. This lead to him being called Triple P when he began his wrestling career in 1962. His son Harold, also known as Triple H followed in his footsteps.

During the Second World War Wojtyla fought hard against the Nazists. He was then wanted by Germany. When a young SS German soldier found him, and was ready to kill him, God stopped him: "You can't kill him, he will the Pope one day!" "What? A Polack the Pope? What about me?" "Right after him".

The last German soldiers did not leave Krakow until 1946. Wojtyła was along with elements of the Red Army's 17 Motorized Division as a translator for the last anti-Nazi mop-up operation, Operation Find the Last Nazi. Though his discussions with the last German soldier convinced Wojtyła the last German was, in fact, an elderly Jewish man who had been in hiding for six years, the Russian soldiers blew him up anyway. And they blew him up but good.

This senseless blow-uppery convinced Wojtyła that he needed to get the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks out of Poland, and so he fled to Rome in 1947.

Keckum Inda recreummmm, AMEN.

When in Rome[edit]

Ever heard that phrase, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do?" Well, I have, and for the life of me, I have no idea what it means. Like, for example, you're in Rome, and some Roman jumps off a bridge. Do you do as he does? Or, you go down a Roman alleyway, and there's some Roman sodomizing a donkey? Again, I ask, is it really wise to do as he's doing? I guess what I'm asking, really, is that what Romans are we talking about when we say "When in Rome, do as the Romans do?"

I haven't the foggiest. If you do, let us know.

But Wojtyła did. He fit in right away with the various Cardinals, Priests, monks, nuns, Saints, and various Apostles that populated both Rome and the funny little country nestled within it called Vatican City. Soon, Wojtyła was smoking clove cigarettes, drinking sacramental wine, and getting down with the "beat" Catholicism that was sweeping Rome at the time. Wojtyła, on the advice of Cardinal Daddy-o, entered school to pursue a degree in theology. Although he considered organized teaching of God's word "a real drag-a-roony, lame-a-toon-toony," Wojtyła began to excel academically. The following excerpt from one of his second-year essays displays the depth of his understanding and love for the Holy Trinity:

Like, dig it, man, dig it and dig with it. The Father - not your Dad, the Dad, the One and Only Dad of all, there's no foretelling of his fall because he's eternal and mighty, up there is the stars, ruling the Earth from near and afar, and He flies...flies...flies, while we below look up and wilt and die - where do our souls, after passing - go? I spoke deeply of it once with this Jesuit though - you can call this cat Daddy-o.

Certainly, Wojtyła was destined for great things in the Catholic Church, being promoted from Associate to Apprentice to Journeyman, then to Warlock. Finally, in 1951, he was given a funny hat and told he was a bishop. "Not a Wizard?" inquired Wojtyła. "No," replied God. "That will only become popular when the one known as Gygax unleashes his fury upon the world and then a woman named Rowling takes that fury and makes it user-friendly, thus also making it accesible to children and even almost respectable for thirty-year old shut-ins."

The Great Things Manifest[edit]

Pope John Paul II comes running for the great taste of God's Word!

Wojtyła was then made bishop of the small city of Opel in Germany in 1952. Tough times awaited the newly-minted chess-piece - in his attempt to Christanize the people of Opel, who still worshipped pre-Christain gods such as Vishnu and Ra, the Sun God TM, he would face many, many, many, many (many), many difficulties.

But then, impossibly, he succeeded. Some say it was his round the clock singing of "Joseph Row Your Boat Ashore" or perhaps the firebombing of Opel by seriously late Allied bombers, but the handful of survivors accepted Jesus Christ into their hearts, rejoiced in the Holy Trinity and ate a lot of pickled red cabbage.

A whole heck of a lot.

Rome, as it often does, took notice of this non-monumental success. For his Divinie Punishment, Wojtyła was both promoted (to Archbishop) but exiled (to Kapow). As a result, he shrugged and was heard to remark, "ehhh, whaddya goin' a do?" before clicking his heels together, shouting "MEEP MEEP!" and blazing off in a dust cloud into the vast Polish desert.

The Russo-Serbian Incident, 1989[edit]

NOTE: This section has nothing to do with the actress Rene Russo. Nor can I find a suitable place to put the fondling boys link.

In Summer 1989 the Pope was visiting Russia as Italy was getting too hot. He had toured the country in his Popemobile golf cart, when all of a sudden, in the middle of a crowd, Serbian Nationalists opened fire on His Holiness and His Entourage. After a brutal and bloody firefight that lasted several seconds, all the Serbs were dead and the Pope was unharmed. The entourage suffered minor burns and bruises from getting hot brass ejected at each other. The KGB agreed to analyse the events and after weeks reviewing videotapes and countless manhours interviewing witnesses, they were able to conclude that the Pope shot first.

Back in Poland[edit]

When Karol Wojtyła returned to Poland, he was almost burned at the stake while simultaneously being seasoned with 11 secret herbs and spices. The resulting 'Catholic Roast' was thought to contain many mysterious, occult properties, such as the ability to render the consumer invincible, eloquent, and impotent (this was considered a benefit in Poland, whose natives were 'Damn sick of all this reproducing nonsense'). However, Karol was saved from complete immolation when Jesus trasmuted the volatile Polish lighter fluid into a strange, flame-retardant pudding. This, too, was discovered to cause impotence, and the future pope was freed. Wojtyła was also made Cardinal, a process involving the painful grafting of red feathers and a beak to his more-or-less human features.


Pope John Paul displays his mutant powers

Cardinal Years[edit]

After becoming Cardinal, Wojtyła wrote a sequel to the Kama Sutra. When not contemplating voracious new sexual positions he spent his time devouring cartons of millet seed, preening and strapping massive cardboard wings to his arms and leaping off clock towers. He was described by many a parishoner as 'bat shit insane' but essentially 'a good Christian fellow.' His eventual promotion to full-time pope was a fluke - the previous holder of the office left to work as a grill chef at Denny's, leaving the position wide open. According to tradition the leaders of the church met in a hot, stuffy and fire-prone building to set various substances alight and vacantly discuss the next pontiff. When the building unsurprisingly caught a spark from a Papal bong the entire balsa-wood structure went up in flames, consuming the entire cadre of priests and their precious reserve of innocent choir boys. When rescue workers cleared away the rubble the sole surviving priest gasped something that sounded suspiciously like 'Wojtyła' before succumbing to numerous eighth-degree burns. This has been cited by many scholars as a moment of Divine inspiration, but is now widely considered to have been a slightly more pedestrian manifestation of a burned guy screaming as he died. Regardless, Wojtyła was made pope, an office that sadly afforded him little time to leap off of four-story buildings.

Hammer Incident[edit]

On February 3rd, 2005, Pope John Paul II exclaimed "OW" loudly when his attendant tapped him in the head with a small silver hammer as catholic tradition prescribes in the event of his death.

Reportedly, the Pope was lying peacefully motionless in his bed when his attendants became concerned that he was not breathing. Thinking the Pope dead, his attendant began the ceremonial process of certifying the Pope as such. But when he was hit on the forehead with the hammer the pope woke up with a start, exclaimed "OW", and added, "That-a really hurt!" in a thick Italian accent even though he is Polish.

The tradition of banging the Pope in the head with a hammer dates back several centuries but this was apparently the first time it was accidentally performed on a living pontiff.

With all the advances that had come in medical technology in the previous 2000 years, the Cardinals asked his Holiness’s attendants to please get medical verification before hitting him in the head again, or burying or cremating him.

Death[edit]

The Pope's death was a controversial and mysterious affair. The official cause of death (as recorded on the Vatican Coroner's report) was 'This man was older than Cher's butt-cheek implants. This man was older than the average B.C. reader. This man was older than the electron. Damn, was he old.'

Rumors continue saying that Wojtyła's dying act was to step out onto the vatican's balcony, put on a pair of purple clogs and begin break dancing for several hours. The thousands of witnesses to this incident have dismissed this as either a UFO or a bigfoot sighting. His final words were 'I hope I haven't been barking up the wrong tree all these years, or I'm fucked.'

The tale of John Paul 2.0 meeting God[edit]

After getting battered with a silver hammer and having his ring smashed, JP2.0 arrived at the Gates of Heaven. He cried into the intercom "Deus, Deus!" and "Maria, Maria!". A little Irish fella poked his head out the gate and said "Ay, nobody speaks Latin here anymore. Not since 1965, so feck off or speak proper-like!"

"Ojca, Ojca" JP2.0 yelled. The Irishman, getting angry, said "And none of that Polack stuff neither. We got sick of that - all the feckin Polish masses from all those cardinals and bishops you made to stop the commies. Away with ya!"

Just as JP2.0 started to turn away with a heavy heart, a thunderous noise burst overhead, and the gates slid open. " Shamus, let the man in. I want to say something to him." JP2.0 spun around and danced up to the throne of God singing Alleluias and Glory Be's. He prostrated himself in front of the Lord and waited for his blessing.

"So, what kept you?" the Almighty said. "What?" said JP2.0. "Look, I sent the summons and you kept ignoring it. I sent a Turk with a Russian gun and you didn't come. I broke your hip and kept sending Italians to piss you off and you wouldn't come. I even gave you Parkinson's so that you would look like a dribbling sleeping idiot and you wouldn't give up. Finally a pigeon hits you in the head and you drop into a coma. What is it with you Polish people?"

"Just stubborn and wanting to please you, Lord!" the great Pole said. God replied" Yeah, well, you're late. Go to purgatory and think about it. Oh, and Karol? That little Kraut you had near to you, he will become Pope and then say that Purgatory doesn't exist. Won't he be fucking surprised when he gets up here!" With God's admonishment and the laughing of angels ringing in his ears, JP2.0 trudged out the gates and turned around the corner to Purgatory. After a long winding walk he found Purgatory to be a parking lot filled to the brim with Swedish atheists. He said a quiet prayer for vodka and pussyjuice

Sainthood[edit]

John Paul 2.0 is currently being evaluated for Sainthood. 207,234 Catholic paedophiles from around the world have found time in their busy schedule to sign a petition for him to be made the Patron Saint of Paedophiles - a niche currently incomprehensibly unfilled. Those poor Uncle Festers - no wonder they're so confused. His saint's day will be January 1, the day, according to Pope Benedict, "when children are at their youngest."

Preceded by:
John Paul 1.0
List of Popes
1947-2005
Succeeded by:
Pontificem

HE kissed a man

John Paul 2.0 and World of Warcraft[edit]

John Paul 2.0 has been used in World of Warcraft game as last boss in Castengandolfo raid on Vaticano Isle in Netherstorm in Outlands. Castengandolfo - mentioned as 40 people raid - is hardest raid in this game and John Paul 2.0 is never-beaten boss that wipes all raid in one attack with his "Holy Fury" AoE attack doing 10'000'000 Holy damage for all players within 60 yards. This attack repeats every 2 seconds. John Paul 2.0 also has 300'000'000 HP and incredible armor bonus- also has 400 resistance to all kind of magic and is immune to holy. John Paul 2.0 - havin 400'000'000 of mana automaticaly restores all his HP when his HP reaches 99,99% taking one mana per that. If remembering that normal players have about 8-10 k HP and max 12k mana - John Paul 2.0 is unbeatable (we have not told about his resurrection ability -if he had even be beaten - he will self resurrect woth 150% HP an mana...). Have fun in World of Warcraft!