John Phillip Sousa

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about John Phillip Sousa.

John Phillip Sousa is a renowned playwright also dabbling in musicals (some of which are still being played on Broadway, but most in Burned-out Shell Theatre in downtown Detroit, Michigan).

Early Years[edit]

Born Sczatenhauts Schlahooooozil in Lithuania in 1927, the young boy was fascinated by German and rap music. However, being a generally sickly child, he was forbidden to move to Germany and try and make it at the legendar Das Shelter. Eventually, though, the young man decided to move to America to live with his lifetime penpal Oscar Wilde.

"I'm A Yankee Doodle Dandy"[edit]

Once the young boy came to America he tried very hard to become a model citizen and even, upon becoming a citizen, decided to name himself after legendary American naval commander (and bassist) John Paul Jones. However, the young man forgot to write down John Paul Jones' name and so, in a renowned blunder, took for his first two names John and Philip. The Sousa part is said to have been his street name due in large part to his early gigs as a mob hit man. However, John Philip also tried a stint as a battle rapper, but always choked on stage and so decided to write musicals instead. His first rap, "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy" eventually inspired him to write the musical Star Wars, which chronicles the hardships of Richard M. Nixon in trying to enforce EPA fuel efficiency standards. John Philip Sousa has also dabbled in the area of metal ballets though his true passion remains the hip-hop theatre.

Later Years[edit]

Although John Philip Sousa continues to write, he is best known for not writing, since is work is often too scary and thought-provoking for popular consumption. THe military is also rumored to be researching use of John Philip's woks in combat. Nobody is able to confirm or deny this information, though.