John Titor

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John Titor, son of William Titor, and inventor of the Titor Twister, is one of several time travelers who have illegally interacted with our timeline (i.e., the past), and created a tangled web of divergent and confusing timelines which will lead either to the unexpected birth or unexpected death of nearly a billion people.

Lifetime[edit]

John Titor, seen here between pints of vodka, explaining how his time machine works.

Titor was born in Svenska, Sweden in 2031 AD. Because he was born as the penumbra of a solar eclipse, he actually lived his life going backwards in time, sort of like Merlyn or Cher or some other famous person with only one name. Nonethless, in 2019, the government discovered his bizarre trait and began (i.e. finished) performing tests regarding the space-time continuum using him. They thought that since he carried his knowledge of the future into the past, he would be able to forewarn scientists of bad experiments that happened to him in his past (aka our future). At the age of 14, he had graduated from the prestigious Topeka University with a masters degree in "Knowing A Bunch 'O Stuffs."

Some revisiionists argue that it was actually an alternate self that graduated from Topeka University and that the true Titor was lost in the Great Tunguska Explosion, 2018 Edition. Regardless, one of his selves graduated from the establishment with a large foundation of academic might.

Rare photo of John Titor's time machine engine.

Titor, along with Doctor Who, is credited with, and blamed for, passing the schematic of a simple, triaxial flux capacitor to a young Marty McFly, who later, with the help of his friend, Dr. H. Rap Brown, developed another illegal time machine, infringing on several patents on Earth, as well as many of the inhabited planets in the Alpha Quadrant. He is known to have been a TARDIS and DeLorean passenger, although he really wants the time machine pioneered by H.G. Wells.

A minor grunt corporal in the 2nd Constitutional Red States Army, stationed in Florida, Titor was sent back to the year 2000 from the year 2163 to steal an old HAL 9000 computer, because some of the computer's unique BIOS was used to create Pac Man, which eventually evolved into a sentient virus which connected practically all of Earth's computer networks in 2089 to create Skynet, a division of FoxNEWS.

Rather than keep his trap shut and stay put (per Time Travel Code Section 10045.67b), Titor travelled back to 2001 because the home grown porno movies were those of either close relatives or mutants which reproduced using matchsticks. After several weeks of pure masturbation, Titor was in need of food. Whilst ordering some organically baked pizza substituent java fruitloop pasta salad, he decided to use his 1337 time travel skillz and entered a forum world. At first, he abused his skillz by answering a n00bz0r question and then going back in time to change flame-related responses to "I AM TEH GHAYZ".

After a few weeks of that, he gave up and decided to use his 4 weeks military training, equivalent to a scientist with 900 astrophysics awards and a skateboard; convincing several pre-pubescent critics resembling the intellect and cleverness of humanity. He then described that he would be leaving on June 12, 2002 but did not state a reason; several hours later, Titor was found face down in a child's paddling pool covered in nacho cheese and cheez-whiz -- celebrations made at the winning of a organic baseball salad match in 4198. The damage resulted in Titor being stuck in a temporal nexus until he finally reached the beginning of time and began again at the end of time since, as we all know, time is cyclical. Oh, and he is also the biggest fucker known to man.

Famous Quotes[edit]

  • "hay guyz im from da future!"
  • "Danger Will Robinson, danger!"
  • "I may not agree with what you have to say so I will travel back in time and kill you before you can say it."
  • "Who wants to guess whether I'm wearing pants or not?"
  • "In the future, unix has a bug; there is no unix as it got melted, so now we need a ZX spectrum to play Daley thompsons tri-athlon as we're all bored as shit."
  • "I brought your weapons"
  • "I see dead people"
  • "Skynet and Stalin team up and attack the U.S. for no apparent reason."