“Extree! Extree! Read all about it!”
“Die ya little shit!”
“Die ya little shit!”
“Die ya little shit!”
|John "Golden Face" Tyler, the Usurper|
|Date of birth||March 29, 1790|
|Place of birth||London, United Kingdom|
|Date of death||January 18, 1862|
|Place of death||Richmond, Virginia|
|First Lady||1) Letitia Tyler (whom he poisoned to marry a younger woman) 2) Julia Tyler (Only 24 when she married John: age 54 ; voted the sexiest woman in North America for 8 years from 1840-1848)|
|Prime Minister||Ran in 1965 election|
|Term of office||April 4, 1841–March 4, 1845|
|Preceded by||William Henry Harrison|
|Succeeded by||James K. Polk|
John Tyler (March 29, 1790 - January 18, 1862) was an American Koala hunter during the early nineteenth century. He was also the only President of the United States to gain power by overthrowing another president in a bloody revolution.
- 1 Early Days
- 2 Koala Hunter
- 3 Vice-Presidency and Glorious Revolution
- 4 Expedition to Brazil
- 5 The Presidency
- 6 Later Life
- 7 John Tyler's Catchphrase
- 8 Things that John Tyler Hates
As a boy, John Tyler grew up in an orphanage in London. It was here that he became close friends with Oliver Twist. Johnny escaped the orphanage in 1798 at the age of 8 and moved to the United States of America were he used his expert forging skills to create a fake birth certificate making him a United States citizen. Tyler had only one possession in the whole world: a stuffed bear named Bobo. This bear was stolen in 1799 by a runway slave, Harriet Tubman. Young Johnny was angry, so he pledged that he become racist. He tracked down the thiefette and shot her, taking back his blood-stained teddy bear. It was at that point that Johnny realized that he loved guns and violence, much like the youth of America today. It was then that Tyler knew what he wanted to do: he wanted to kill giant animals.
Tyler spent the next 5 years selling newspapers so that he could buy a hunting rifle. Finally, in 1804, at the age of 14, Tyler bought his gun. He loved it and it loved him. He could finally fulfill his boyhood dream of slaughtering animals.
Tyler gained the most fame as a Koala hunter prior to his presidency. At that time, the United States was menaced by giant, carnivorous Koala bears roaming the countryside, especially in Tennessee, Ohio, Mississippi, Indiana, and most of all in Kentuckistan, threatening pioneers and slowing expansion. Tyler was the greatest Koala hunter in the history of the world. He killed more than 17,580,012.22 Giant Koalas, his most famous kill being Bill the Decimator, Scourge of Kentuckistan.
By 1812, there was only one Giant Koala left in the whole world, Allister K. Bear, who had moved into a small apartment in New York City. There he worked as a accountant for a major corporation, Kiper-Cola. One of Allister's hobbies was boxing. Another was underwater basket weaving. John Tyler knew that he couldn't shoot Allister because he was a United States citizen, so Tyler devised a plan to "accidentally" kill Allister in a boxing match underwater. The only problem was that John Tyler was a horrible boxer, so John Tyler decided to find a boxing trainer. At the time the best boxer and boxing trainer in the world was the female Klingon boxer Letitia, whose heritage comes directly from Poseidon. Letitia and Tyler got along very well and in 1813, on John's 23rd birthday, they were married and Letitia became Letitia Tyler. John Tyler was finally ready for the climatic match in 1816, after mastering the scuba and preparing a huge fish bowl with fixed gravity. He killed Allister K. Bear in a 15 round boxing match in the huge fishbowl on the court of Madison Square Garden, New York City, in front of a record crowd of 2,875,233. And thus, the last Giant Koala in the world died.
Vice-Presidency and Glorious Revolution
William Henry Harrison chosen John Tyler to be his running mate by drawing a name out of a hat. Tyler wasn't a politician at all. He had made a lot of money killing Giant Koalas and was busy making children with his wife. By 1840, he had 9, though really 10 because one didn't come out quite right. When asked if wanted to be the vice-presidential candidate Tyler said "Ummm... sure, why not. I've got nothing better to do."
Harrison and Tyler won the election and when told that he was the new vice-president, Tyler replied, "Oh, that's great. I'm reading the morning paper right now. Can you come back at 1:30?"
John Tyler had a very short attention span, so when William Henry Harrison gave his 33 hour inauguration speech, John Tyler was very bored. After 29 hours of hearing Harrison blather on, John Tyler decided that he just couldn't put up with William Henry Harrison. He and his close friend Karl Marx started a revolution to overthrow Harrison later that day. After that speech, about half of the country hated Harrison, so Tyler had plenty of support.
Expedition to Brazil
On March 5, 1841, the rebel army invaded all of Brazil at the same time because every Brazilian supported William Henry Harrison. This is known as the Battle of Brazil. They were very successful and had taken all of Brazil by exactly 12:32 PM that day, meaning that they could sit down after a hard day's fighting and have a wholesome lunch. The Brazilians weren't very good at fighting so they decided to just go with being occupied and rooted for Harrison on the sidelines. At 9:43 the next morning, Karl Marx heard that some Brazilian monkeys who also happened to be pirates that supported Harrison held out on their secret island. The rebels attacked the island in what is now called the Battle of Monkey-Pirate Island. The rebels won and made the long journey back the United States (which took them much longer to get back than it did to get there) and the monkeys fled across the ocean to Somalia where they joined up with the pirates there and have been stealing oil ever since.
Although he wouldn't admit it, John was seasick for the whole journey back to the United States.
On April 3, 1841, John Tyler, Karl Marx, and the rest of the rebel army landed on the shores of the United States of America. As soon as they had gotten everything out of the boats, they marched on Washington, D.C. The rebel army, the Joysees (New Jersey People), and Rudy Giuliani fought the loyal Americans, most of them coming from Vermont and Maine, in the capital. By the next morning, all of the loyal Americans had surrendered and John Tyler and Karl Marx stormed the White House. They captured William Henry Harrison. Tyler gave a 42 hour monologue about what they were going to do to him (Hypocrite) before his mouth got dry and they killed Harrison in front of a large, cheering crowd.
On April 4, 1841, John Tyler was crowned as the president of the United States of America. That's also my mom's birthday. And Easter. And 4/4.
Racism in the Presidency
Although Tyler had spent years taking his anger out on Giant Koalas, he was still very racist. He vetoed all of every anti-slavery law proposed and he tried to pass a law making every non-white person a slave.
Poisoning the First Lady
After 1832, John Tyler became very irritated with his wife, Letitia "that old Hag" Tyler. John would have left her, but he knew that she could beat the shit of him if he tried. In 1842, John met a 22 year old girl named Julia Gardinier. Julia had been voted the sexiest woman in North America for the past two years. Before meeting John, she had been a model. John Tyler instantly fell in love with her. So he decided to dispose of his wife. John had one of his lackeys slip a bit of cyanide into he morning power shake. She died instantly. John and Julia were secretly married the next, 2 hours before Letitia's funeral. They were publicly married one and a half years later. Julia held her title as the Sexiest Woman in North America until 1848.
At his wedding to Julia in 1844, one guess gave John Tyler a golden pen and a new love was kindled. John wanted everything he owned to be gold. He had a dining room table made of gold, a clock made of gold, dishes and utensils made of gold, and a bed made of gold. In fact, all of John's furniture was made of gold. His books were made of gold. His clothes were made of gold. His goldfish was made of gold. He made Julia wear bra's made of gold. He had the White House painted gold. He had a removable face mask made of gold, hence the name "Golden Face." By October 1844, John had so much gold that he became sick of the sight of gold. He secretly had all of his gold taken out to California where it would be discovered in 1849, beginning the Gold Rush.
The Biggest Mistake in United States History
In 1845, John Tyler approved the Texas Annexation. Enough said.
Ultimate Trash President
John Tyler is the ultimate trash president because he overthrew and killed the best president in the history the United States: William Henry Harrison. He is also worthy of this title because he practically ruined the economy with his gold obsession and because he allowed Texas to join the United States.
In late 1847, John Tyler discovered that William Henry Harrison was still alive in zombie form. He then went into an angry rage and shot Alexander Hamilton. The next year, John Tyler and Julia Tyler became zombie hunters. This accounts for why Julia lost her title as the Sexiest Woman in North America, since she became very rough and rugged. Between the years of 1848 and 1861, John and Julia Tyler destroyed more than 2,000 zombies in the American west, as well as traveling to Transylvania to kill Count Dracula and Edward Cullen, but they never found William Henry Harrison or zombie John Adams.
The Communist Manifesto
In 1848, John Tyler helped his good friend Karl Marx write the Communist Manifesto. Tyler used the pen name Friedrich Engels. Actually, the whole idea of communism was Tyler's idea, he just allowed Marx to take the credit.
In 1861, John Tyler became President of the Confederate States of America. He is often thought of as the founder of the Confederate States Air Force and as the mastermind behind the CSA's anti-undead laws. On January 18, 1862, John Tyler was assassinated by Abraham Lincoln with a dictionary. Lincoln actually intended to knock Tyler unconscious and then take him prisoner to end the war, but Tyler fell through a 6th floor window onto his head, permanently killing him.
John Tyler's Catchphrase
Oscar Wilde murdered John Tyler's catchphrase in 1899 and the whole world rejoiced. Upon the death of the catchphrase "Die ya little shit!" Oscar Wilde yelled "Die ya little shit!" and no one has ever utter those four words in the same sentence since.
Things that John Tyler Hates
- Harriet Tubman
- Edward Cullen
- Squeaky Toys
- His first wife
- William Henry Harrison (synonym for Boring)
- Abraham Lincoln
- Abraham Lincoln holding a dictionary
- Lists of things John Tyler hates
William Henry Harrison
|President of the United States,
James K. Polk