Johnny Appleseed

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Johnny Appleseed.

Widely considered to be the most evil of all evil apples, Johnny, a New-Mexican Gala, was so nefarious in nature that he began to exhibit psychotic qualities before he was even fully grown. Poisoning the tree he grew from using only his mind, Johnny quickly took over the orchard he was grown in, converting it into a nightmarish landscape where apples would grow humans to juice and enjoy on hot summers days. Before long, Johnny had cultivated an army of apples and other mercenary fruits to take over the World, and "free it from the tyranny of the fruit-munching scum". A long and pulpy war hence commenced, the New Mexicans struggling with pitchforks and trowels to hold back the oncoming fruit, pumped full of vitamins and essential nutrients as they were. Fortunately, being an apple, Johnny Appleseed had a natural lifespan of around three weeks, and shriveled to a prunish death just as he was on the verge of conquering his first city. His army quickly collapsed, and the newly freed New Mexicans enjoyed fresh smoothies for weeks- while remembering what so nearly could have been.

As part of the battle against mankind, Johnny Appleseed synthesised heroin from the corpse of a particularly heroic pear, in order to drive human thoughts away from battle. He is thus partially responsible for the War on Drugs, and wholly responsible for Folk Music, and hence his name is cursed Worldwide even today.

Trails of Johnny Appleseed[edit]

“I have nothing to fear but pears themself.”

~ Johnny Appleseed on Pears

Many people have heard the name Johnny Appleseed. Many people believed he was a good man. But many didn't know that his "harmless seed planting" was really a plot to murder thousands of innocent people. He had had his appleseed poisoned so they would grow killer apples contaminated with the Apple Jacks bacterium. If it wasn't for Bobby Watermelonseed, who found a cure just in time, many more than the 5 that had already died would have. Peter Tomatoseed was the first to die. He was hit by a falling apple tree. Cody Pumpkinseed drove his car into an apple tree, killing himself and the pedestrian he had hit 3 blocks back that was still holding on to the bumper. The other two actually did die from eating the apples, but their names don't matter.

The country went into shock. There where 5 people dead, and who knew how many more would die. But it was not long before Mr. Appleseed was caught. The trial took many long months, but finally Judge Coffeebean announced, on March 27, that Johnny Appleseed was guilty. He was sentenced to a life time of digging up all the trees he planted, all 1,299,887 of them.junk yard full of apples and junk