Captain Jack Sparrow

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The Rum Is Gone!

This article mentions Jack Sparrow and therefore, the rum has probably disappeared mysteriously, no doubt because of an alcoholic pirate. Jack has yet to notice.

This article is about the messianic figure. For the article about the non-messianic figure, see Captain Jesus.

“... why is the rum gone?”

~ Captain Jack Sparrow on the rum being gone

“I hate him almost as much as Rus”

~ Jenna Hyde on Captain Jack Sparrow

“I've got a jar of dirt”

~ Captain Jack Sparrow on having a jar of dirt

“This pirate is drunk and flamboyant”

~ Captain Obvious on Captain Jack Sparrow

“You can't stop me motherfucker, 'cause I'm on a MOTHERFUCKING BOAT”

~ Captain Jack Sparrow on being on a boat

“This will be the day that you almost captured Captain Jack Sparrow”

~ Captain Jack Sparrow on being captured 10 minutes later

“The islanders belive Jack is a god in human form”

~ Mr Gibbs on Jack Sparrow

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Captain Jack Sparrow.

Captain Jack sparrow in pure, unadulterated form. He doesn't have anything to do with Johnny Depp at all.

HRH Captain Jackson Rheubus "Jack" Sparrow, 4th Earl of Schwann, of the house of Teague is the furrrst and current King of the Sovereign State of the Seven Seas. Loved by all his denizens, he has the highest popularity of any king in history. He came to power at the founding of the state in 1693, when the seas wurrre given thar freedom from the 'land states'. He also seems to be affixed with a jarrr of dirt, and often asks people to guess what's inside it. Their ponderrring as to what's inside is always promptly interrarrupted when they realize Jack has already stolen thar boat/valuables, so no one knows exactly what's inside. However, we're all sure it's awesome. However, recent studies show that one person has actually managed to take a guess before Sparrow ran off. Sparrow promptly ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chanti, ftftftftft.

[edit] Childhood

Born and raised in the mostly Hindustani ghetto half of Tortuga to a whore named Armadilla and Governor Swann, Jack never knew his real father, until there was a documentary filmed about him called Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl. There is some evidence, in the form of Armadilla's livejournal, to suggest that it was Juan Pablo Montoya. Without a real father figure to discipline him Jack soon became a bully. One child from his class remembers, "Jack would as soon throttle you in your sleep as look at you, he was well loved by all the children and in turn the rum was well loved by him." Childhood culture was such that, at the time, murder was looked upon playfully (with the most successful murderers often becoming schoolyard heroes). Some high schools, such as the one which Jack attended, ran murder leagues, offering scholarships and galleons to the most promising students. It was thus that Jack obtained his scholarship to Tortuga Captaincy University and his first ship, the "Flaming Queen".

[edit] University

Upon gaining a scholarship for murder at the Tortuga Captaincy University, Jack Sparrow quickly made himself a distinguished student. He was taught by Professor Gibbs on how to look cool and get juiced on rum. Gibbs noted Jack's enthusiasm at lessons when he would wake Gibbs at two in the morning, "He should have known better than to' wake a man when he's sleepin, bad luck", Gibbs reported. Professor Hector Barbossa taught Jack how to use a sword better than the Jedi and a deranged Sarcee Indian taught him how to use a gun. Unfortuately, however, the Sacree didn't teach Jack which end of the pistol was the barrel. Or what happens when you pull the trigger. Guess this means Jack's swagger isn't attributed to his lack of attending AA meetings, it's because he's got a iron ball wedged in his cranial cavity. Whoops. Soon after his encounter with the Indian's Jack embraced a vegetarian diet, not meaning the eating of only vegtables, but eating actual vegtarians, This diet then allowed him to be btter than god at basketball.

[edit] The Captain

At the Flying Spaghetti Monster's Nativity

Ater commandeering his first ship, Jack set out to kick and get some ass and take names. Unfortunately, his ship practically got destroyed or critically damaged by pretty much every other ship out there. So, he decided to commandeer the Black Pearl. This he did, and not 3 days afterward, the Pirate-Ninja War broke out. Jack arrived only after he heard about the destruction of the United Pirate Fleet and helped play a major role in the Blondebeard offensive. After he returned home, he found out that the Disney Empire had conquered the Pirates of the Caribbean in the Five-Day War. So, he decided to get his revenge on Disney. He took to the seas with his crew and sank countless Disney battleships, frigates, and flagships with the Black Pearl. Eventually, he blockaded the port of Disneyland itself, the capital of the Disney Empire, and after a long battle, he sunk the defending Disney battleships and he and his pirates sacked the city. Jack gained immense riches and global power for this and forced the Disney Empire to give him the Seven Seas or he would threaten to reclaim the Pirates homeland. This way, the Disney fleet was destroyed, and Jack was now King of the Seven Seas.

[edit] The King

With no one left to murder and no more rum to drink, Jack turned inward. He ruled the seas benevolently, passing laws and dictats from within his cabin aboard the Black Pearl, but was never seen in public. History is undecided as to what he did in his time as a hermit but most agree on one fact: he spent a large amount, if not all of his time, playing Sid Meier's Pirates! After 11 years of secrecy Jack made his first public appearance. The people rejoiced and a 5 month orgy ensued.

More recently Jack has been quite a public man; visiting the counties, whoring, playing backgammon with old ladies and kissing babies.

He is noted for his liberal policies. Recently after World War Two, he used the cannons of the Black Pearl to purge England of homosexuals and the Queen. Many realize that he could not have seized power without the aid of rogue Commodore "Sam" Norrington and Johnny Cash the Fifth.

[edit] Current Life style.

At the moment he lives his life with 5 whores including Elizabeth Swann and a ship full of rum and eating the bodies of fried Ninjas. He has won the title "Most Awesome Pirate Ever!" Award like 5 times. Like most other shell shocked Pirate-Ninja War veterans, he suffers from SNSS: Spontaneous Ninja Slaying Syndrome. This was confirmed when a young ninja named Genji attempted to start a protest against Sparrow, and was impaled on the end of his sword. He is also the Pirate King of being Bad Ass.

Captain Jack sparrow portrayed as a Raptor.

Captain Jack Sparrow was the ultimate downfall of not only The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but the whole of the Pokémon empire and Is currently engaged in a war with the numa numa guy and the monopoly man for the title "Ultimate Elite Fighter of The West Indies".

During most of his life time he has often been confused with a Raptor of some-sort. This is because of his strange hand movement and his clumsy footing, but some people say that he infact may be a raptor.

Jack Sparrow has become the idol and role model for a new generation of Somali pirates. At first, bootleg copies of his movies were smuggled into Somali pirate schools. Now, Jack Sparrow has teamed up with Anthony Robbins and they visit Somalia every month as part of their BE THE BEST PIRATE SEMINARS. For $800 or 50% of your next pirate ransom, you can spend a weekend with Capt Jack Sparrow and Anthony Robbins watching the Pirates of the Carribean movies and then receive personal instruction on how to be a pirate. The seminar ends with the attendees going out into the neighborhood and kidnapping inncocent people for ransom and making them walk the plank, or "plankwalking" according to Mr Robbins. There is always an open rum bar at theses seminars and is included in the price of admission. Upon completion, you receive a complimentary pirate sword and there is free job palcement on the next Somalian pirate ship leaving to rob, rape and plunder. Prospective pirates can contact bethebestpirate@sparrow.com

In 2001, his ex-girlfriend and personal whore Jessica Rabbit dumped their 18 year old crack addicted daughter Miley Cyrus on him and ran away to Canada. She is now attempting to choose between shoes and chocolate to stuff Miley Cyrus with.

Til now. He is still looking for his rum.