Jonas Brothers
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“Damn these kids are gay!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Jonas Brothers
“I learned how to play the guitar from a cereal box.”
~ Nick Jonas on his musical "talent"
“LOL, Joe Jonas fell on glass...”
~ Some guy on Joe Jonas
The Jonas Brothers are basically a hardcore bubblegum band from New Jersey. They are made up of three brothers: Nick, Joe, and Kevin. In that order. Today's society only recognizes 2/3, or 67%, of the brothers because nobody likes that ugly homo Kevin. If you need any proof as to why, just look at him. Also look at him if you don't really want to go to school one day and you need something to make you throw up. Nick and Joe are really pretty attractive, but I hear they don't like 12 to 15-yr-old sluts which pretty much makes up their entire fan base. Also, for all of you avid Disney Channel whores, Zac Efron and Kevin have an ongoing relationship that is purely and amazingly sexual so unless you're a homosexual or whatever you might as well just forget about getting with either of them. They have been reported trying to get to New York in order to file for Domestic Partnership.
They first formed when Nick "The Dick" made his mom buy him a guitar. When he got his first guitar, a Gibson SG, he had absolutely had no idea what to do with it. So he decided to take it to the basement and senselessly bang on it with a spoon. His 2 older brothers Joe "The Hoe" and Kevin "the Seven" (who are not actually related in any way) heard Nick make his wonderful sounds with his guitar. Later that day, they too begged their mommy for guitars and did the same. Little did they know that this would launch a new career. They recorded their first song "Mandy" in their basement. Some idiot in a barbershop heard it somehow and signed them to a seven year record deal as a joke.
And in case you need a more concrete reason as to why they are so good, it is because Disney Channel handpicked them.
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[edit] Origin
The Jonas Brothers were born to B.J. and Virginia Jonas. Though his other brothers are gay Roman Catholics, Nick converted to become a Jew when he was eight days old. His hair immediately started to curl, and many Jews recognize this famous figure as their own.
Nick Jonas (born Dick Bronas, 1999, changed name for obvious reasons) began The Bronas Experiment when he was howling and banging on his keyboard like a maniac and his mom said it sounded good. Because of this fake encouragement, he and his brothers eventually evolved into a Busted cover band (not much of an improvement), practicing songs from Hannah Montana.
Joe Jonas was passionate for singing from the start. "When we were little, I remember my father would yell, 'JOSEPHINE, IF YOU DON'T TURN OFF THAT RADIO, I'MMA COME UP THERE AND CUT YOUR LITTLE DICK OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS WHILE I SPANK YOUR ASS OFF!' I liked Joe's singing. It took me away from all of the things that Kevin was doing. He's so annoying; our parents didn't even like him."
Kevin Jonas has always been the favored of the Jonas Brothers. Most teenage girls agree that they wouldcare if Kevin Jonas was gone. He still sticks around for Joe. A relationship between them started while on the way to Disney. The rest of the family was sleeping, and the excited brothers decided that they had to let go of some of their energy with each other.
With support from their mother and many sluttly girls in their area, the Jonas Brothers were able to get noticed by Disney. With Disney's new campaign to promote homosexuality, the Jonas Brothers were able to assist the High School Musical cast create new homosexuals around the world. With the brothers' help, many lives were changed, and many virgins converted.
[edit] The Bros
The Jonas Brothers are not like any other family living on Earth today. They fight, like normal siblings, however, they prefer to do it kung fu style, utilizing machetes and ninja stars. One such fight occurred back in the year 1987 and is known infamously as the Great San Francisco Earthquake.
They also have a brother named Franco, but they call him the Bonas Jonas. (Pronounced: BO-nas YO-nas) Unlike the other three brothers, Franco is related to none of them as he was adopted from Cuba. His former name was Elian Gonzales.
Joe is the absolute ruler of the household. What he says goes, and none of the other bro's argue otherwise. This is a potentially dangerous thing, for the others know, that if this happens, Joe Jonas will become the most powerful person on the face of the Earth, taking over all countries and states, in a musically impaired rampage. The human race could end if he got this kind of power, because he would believe he was the best person on the planet and that he was too good for anybody, in effect, leading to nothing at all other than bad "music."
Kevin is truly the butt crack of the operation. He has been recruited by the People's Front of Judea to become one of the organization's top agents. He has been sent many times to Iraq and Denmark to infiltrate the governments there and has served as a quadruple double agent on three missions at once while working in Alaska. Unfortunately, most of his business is top secret, and cannot be discussed here. He is also, as he claims, the idiot of the family. It is widely known that Kevin has a Starbucks sensor embedded in his brain, otherwise known as "Stardar". When a Starbucks is in a 2 mile radius of them, the sensor goes off the chain!
Nick is, of course, the baby. He is really only five years old, but he has gotten so many makeovers and transexual operations over the years that he actually looks like a 15 year old girl. He is way to smart for any girl, which is why, even though many wiling teens drop their panties and weep at Nick's crocodile-skin donned footwear, they can never have him. His hair his home to several small species of bird, including the finch, canary and blue-footed-booby. When he was younger, his parents used to use his hair as a mop to clean the bathroom floor. He is currently dating fellow Disney whore Selena Gomez.
"Acorns taste good" Kevin "the Seven" Jonas
Though they claim to be Christians they are part of a Satan worshiping cult called The Barney Bunch.
[edit] Music
The Jonas Brothers are renown for their hardcore (wannabe) Death Metal and heavy use of vegetarian imagery. They have a rabid (literally) cult following due to their extreme antics, and strong pro-veggie stance on current issues. They have been known to use the starfish gram and heavy references to Santa (king of the underworld). This has garnered a lot of criticism, including that of Tyson Chicken and Jeff Godwin. Tyson claiming that the band is "discouraging the sales of our generic chicken" and Godwin stating that they are "Flamboyant goons from the underworld who are the very representatives of Santa-maybe even obsessed (Santa has been known to obsess little kids by giving them cheap 1 dollar presents) by the dark one himself." Godwin has launched his very own campaign against the Brothers, but this has only resulted in more publicity for the Jonas Brothers [Yeah, real smart Godwin]. The Jonas Brothers have had a hard time earning good critical reception, due largely to the fact that the lead Jonas singer inability to do anything other than to use the technique known as Singingin their songs. This was quite unheard of, as at the time, popular Country musicians like Entombed and Morbid Angel were making their name in the mainstream by using the common technique known as "melodic-mess with me and you die-death growls" in their happy, Christian music. The Jpnas Brothers changed this style, and instead of focusing on the good of life, pointed out the virtues of eating your Veggies. This got many Christians angry (and little kids), as they stated "Their music now talks about Food! Greed is one of the deadly sins! Their Satanic! This then led to Godwin's misguided campaign against them. Today, the Jonas Brothers are world renown for their stupid Veggie-Death Metal tunes, and use of Fishing Hooks in their songs. One of their most popular songs is "Hold On (To My Cock)."
Caution: Listening to the Jonas Brothers is discouraged if you:
1. Enjoy life
2. Like pepperoni pizza
3. Like Good Music
4. Are smart
5. Like Women
[edit] Shows
The Jonas Brothers have been in Destiny "Miley" Cyrus' Disney Channel show Hannah Montana.
In 2008 they get their own show on Disney, J.O.N.A.S., in other words, James Bond for People With IQs Under 15.
Joe actually figured out he wasn't a homo, but he was a bisexual. He and Aj eventually got back together and made their own TV show, "
[edit] Discography
- Jonas Brothers - Jonas Brothers Prounce Each Other Gay - 2006
- Jonas Brothers - Aly and AJ Suck - 2007
- Jonas Brothers - Out of Money - Can We Have Some More Please? - 2008
- Jonas Brothers - Meet the Homo's 2 Soundtrack - 2009
[edit] Singles
- "Year 3000" - 2006
- "What I Go To School For" - 2006
- "Hold On" - 2006
- "Move On" - 2007
- "Keep On" - 2007
- "Get On" - 2008
- "On On" - 2008
- "SOS" - 2008
- "Pon De Replay" - 2008
- "Dancing Queen" - 2008
- "Aly and AJ are Degenerate Bitches from Fucking Hell" - 2008
- "Let's Go Homo!" - 2009
- "I Want Your Penis Girl" - 2009
- "I Want Your Vagina Boy" - 2009
