José Cuervo

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Jose Cuervo is perhaps best known as a loving father and husband, but only by his immediate family. To the world, he is a retarded author, statesman, sometime-pro-tennis player, longtime otaku. He served six different positions on the U.S. Supreme Court and once served as the entire body of Parliament. On three known occasions, he headed expeditions to the Northwest Territory and Mexico, founding missions and monasteries along the way.

Jose Cuervo was born Jessica Carter on July 4, 1776. He later moved to France and changed his name to Marie Curie in 1859. Upon his return to America after his prolonged stay as Parliament, he changed his name to avoid some unpleasantness he had left behind.

Cuervo is perhaps best known to the world for his scientific work with alchemy. Cuervo spent long hours in his small lab in France working with radioactive isotopes and various precious metals, eventually perfecting the process of alchemy. The result was the elixir of life, better known by the name tequila. This powerful restorative became known as "Cuervo's Gold," as the liquid was in fact the gold of legend commonly referred to in alchemic texts.

Cuervo shared his elixir freely with the indigenous peoples of Mexico and America, only to realize later that it had an effect far from what he had intended. Too little of the elixir, and one remained the same. Too much, and one ended up dead in a pool of vomit and other bodily fluids. But the right amount would magically transport its imbibers to Valhalla, or as it was known to the indigenous peoples, "Tiajuana."

Cuervo died of cancer in 1993, as did his daughter and twenty-seven wives. After hazmat teams unearthed the large uranium core he had stockpiled under his laboratory, several deaths due to radiation poisoning in the water supply in nearby villages were explained. The townsfolk were treated with Cuervo's Gold and were healed, at least for a time.

To be continued...