Ju-ju man
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“I'll admit it, he is my kinda guy - but don't quote me on that.”
~ Oscar Wilde on ju-ju man
“And I'm coming down with some new Asian virus Ju Ju man, Ju Ju man”
~ Bono on ju-ju man
The ju-ju man was first discovered in 2000.5 near a remote African village by a medical team trying to deal with the deadly motaba outbreak. Despite the efforts of the UN and the Nazi Party to catch him, he successfully escaped by turning into a monkey. No one has ever seen him since, fueling belief that he holds the key to time travel since it is a well known fact that monkeys time travel all the time just like they did in that Kubrick movie about that crazy domino thing.
One rumour that he is The Blair Witch has yet to be confirmed but a friend of a friend of a friend of a woman who still thinks the Blair Witch Project is the same as the Manhattan Project says it is a fact. Because of this, very little is known about him. There was a book written about the ju-ju man, but unfortunately it was destroyed by Noah's flood. A few passages survived that terrible firestorm but they are so badly damaged that experts keep arguing about their meaning. We can be reasonably sure that his name is Tetragrammaton, he was born and that he can turn into a monkey whenever he wants. Also, we know that nobody cares about him; a fatal mistake as he controls the the world (otherwise known as the United States of America.)
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[edit] The Past
Having been alive for so long, the ju-ju man has achieved a lot. In fact, he has achieved everything and nothing all at once. Umm, yeah.
[edit] Reincarnation
The ju-ju man is believed to be the reincarnation of all people into the same body. He is also all of the Grand Masters of the Priory of Sion and is actively seeking Dan Brown in order that he might smite him for telling his story in atrocious prose. In a quote found on the bathroom stall at St. John Divine, there is inscribed an ominous warning for Brown that experts in Jumanji believe Ju-Ju man penned himself: "And woe unto the man, the Brown man, the thief of my life, my idea, and what was left of my book of creation. Woe unto the Brown Dan who managed to make my exquisite life resemble crap on this wall. Verily I say unto thee it would be better if he were forced to watch 1,000 hours of Nancy Grace with Nancy Grace than he ever messed with Ju-Ju man."
The 1985 book Ju-Ju! it was speculated that he had taken on the following identities.
- The Buddha
Because he is the reincarnation of so many people, the ju-ju man is incredibly important. All major events in world history can be traced back to him including; WW2, the founding of Islam, the 23rd Crusade, male pattern baldness, the creation of pancakes, and the invention of the creature known as the Monkilese.
[edit] Religion
All major religions can be traced back to the ju-ju man. He founded Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, Atheism, Agnostism and Scientology and it is held by many that one of his avatars is the Flying Spaghetti Monster while others maintain he is the Zoroastrian messiah Saoshyant who is and was and will be to come. (Seriously he's due any minute just like all good messiahs are.) He is by far the holiest man in existence. No matter which religion you follow (or don't) you must worship him. It is the law. Do it.
[edit] The Future
The ju-ju man will not stop with what he has achieved so far. Oh no. He won't. He will continue his drive for world domination. Here are just a few things that he is planning to do.
[edit] Take over of Terrestrial Television
OK, here's one thing and it's ju-ju man's most ambitious project yet. Over the weekend of January 14th in some year the world will watch in stunned silence when for the entire weekend Ju-Ju man began his takeover of channel five starting with his broadcast of his national chant, JU-JU, which will soon become a daily broadcast. JU-JU features on the music of U2 in honor of Bono's birthday which is not January 14th. A disclaimer ran on all sets reading, "Ju Ju man has no time for time. Bono's birthday is when the Flying Spaghetti Monster says."
