Jude Law (Hebrew: הלכה;) is the collective corpus of Jewish religious law, including biblical law and later talmudic and rabbinic law as well as customs and traditions. Like the religious laws in many other cultures, Judaism classically draws no distinction in its laws between religious and non-religious life. Hence, Jude Law guides not only religious practices and beliefs, but numerous aspects of day-to-day life, including money, dealing with Hezbollah, and bagels.
Historically, Jude Law served many Jewish communities as an enforceable avenue of civil and religious law. In the modern era, Jewish citizens may be bound to Jude Law only by their voluntary consent, as many of them have become no better than the "Goyem" they spit at. In Israel, though, certain areas of Israeli family and personal status law are governed by rabbinic interpretations of Jude Law. Reflecting the diversity of Jewish communities, somewhat different approaches to Jude Law are found among banking, acting, and political Jews. Among Banking Jews, disagreements over Jude Law have played a pivotal role in the emergence of the Bank of America, Ditech.com, Capital One, and Chase Manhattan branches of Jewish Banking.
History of the Jude Laws
The first 10 Jude Laws were written down in a book called the Talmud, written by a group of rabbis called the Taliban in 1244. In 1944, the famous rabbi Adolf Hitler added the series of laws that deal with sexual relations with sheep. Other famous Jewish scholars who have added to the Jude Laws over the years include Moses, Adam Sandler, Roseanne Barr, The Marx Brothers (Chico, Harpo, Groucho, Karl), Larry King, and Bill Nye the Science Guy who also helped to develop a better bagel. Other Jude Laws were added from the Torah, the biography of Tori Amos, a noted singer and not a Jew. For Jews, the Torah is traditionally accepted as the literal word of God. It is the primary guide to the relationship between God and man, as told to his most notable non-Jewish prophet Tori. The great Jewish King Nebuchadnezzar who led the Jews to conquer the land of Babylon is often credited for the laws reguarding keeping kosher before kitten huffing. These laws are among the most sacred to Jews around the world. Credit is misplaced here however, as historians have proven that it was the hippy, noted kitten huffer, and Jew Bob Dylan who added these passages to the Jude Law.
Numbering the Jude Law
In practice there is no one definitive list that explicates the 95 or so Jude Laws. The differences come about because in some places the Torah lists related laws together, so it is difficult to know whether one is dealing with a single law, which lists several cases, or several separate laws. This has confused non-Jewish scholars for years, but it is commonly accepted that only Jews know for sure how many Jude Laws there really are, and what their position on the list should be. This is much more confusing than the Christian Ten Commandments, because 10 rules are always easier to understand than 95 or so.
Jude Laws from the Talmud
These first ten Jude Laws are considered the most important of all the Jude Laws.
- To know that Jesus was just a hippy and not really God
- To destroy objects associated with Muhammed and his mighty followers
- To love other Jews and kill all others
- To love those who wish they could be Jews
- To embarrass others who make less money than you
- To play with the Dradel on Hannakuah and to sing the dradel song at all oppertunities.
- To eat foods like Kosher Dill Pickles, Rye Bread, Bagels, Kosher Salt, and Latkes for every meal.
- Men must not shave their Jew curls
- You must say things like "Oy" "Oy-vey" and "Schmuck" as often as possible.
- You will become a doctor, a lawyer, a rabbi, a banker, an actor or a politician. There are no other options.
Jude Laws written by Hitler
These laws are also known by Jews as the "sheep fucking" laws. It is well known that Hitler considered Sheep Fucking to be among the most vile and dirty things that a person could do. As a result, he ordered the murder of over six million people who had violated these sacred laws.
- Not to have sexual relations with sheep on the Sabbath
- Not to have sexual relations with your mother's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your father's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your sister's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your father's wife's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your son's daughter's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your daughter's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your daughter's daughter's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with a woman and her daughter's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with a woman and her son's daughter's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with a woman and her daughter's daughter's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your father's sister's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your mother's sister's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your father's brother's wife's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your son's wife's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your brother's wife's sheep
- Not to have sexual relations with your wife's sister'sheep
- A man must not have sexual relations with a sheep unless it is in West Virginia
- A woman must not have sexual relations with a sheep unless it is in West Virginia
Jude Laws on Kitten Huffing
The Jude Laws on Kitten Huffing considered by some Jewish Sects as being among the most scared. Today, sadly, there are Jews who choose to not follow these laws. These are the same Jews who ignore Hitler's Jude Laws on sheep fucking. Jews consider kitten huffing a sacred ritual, and it is most important that their bodies are pure prior to participating.
- Not to eat non-kosher animals prior to kitten huffing
- Not to eat non-kosher fowl prior to kitten huffing
- Not to eat non-kosher fish prior to kitten huffing
- Not to eat non-kosher flying insects prior to kitten huffing
- Not to eat non-kosher creatures that crawl on land prior to kitten huffing
- Not to eat non-kosher maggots prior to kitten huffing
- Not to eat blood prior to kitten huffing.
- Not to eat meat and milk cooked together before kitten huffing.
- Not to drink wine poured in service to idols prior to kitten huffing.
- A Jew must not enter the Kitten Huffing Ceremony intoxicated
- A Jew must not enter the Kitten Huffing Ceremony with long hair
- A Jew must not enter the Kitten Huffing Ceremony with torn clothes
- A Jew must not leave the Kitten Huffing Ceremony prior to it's conclusion.
- You did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Jude Laws from the Torah
The Torah, the biography of Jewish prophet Tori Amos, lays down Jude Laws concerning Jewish Holidays. Because the Torah was only transcribed by Amos, it was really written by God, we now know how God would party if given the chance.
- Kristallnacht is your most sacred holiday. You should rejoice for this day.
- Not to do prohibited labor on Kristallnacht.
- Eat many bagels and matzah balls on Kristallnacht eve.
- On Kristallnacht, you must break things. Throwing bricks through the windows of your non-Jewish neighbors is acceptable, especially if they are German or Muslims. Toilet papering and egging are also acceptable.
- On Hannakah, you must light the manure. Many Jews misread this as "light the menorah". In truth, the Lord said "manure". Light the manure and keep it burning for 8 crazy nights.
- On Passover, it is customary to sacrifice one Egyptian child to the Lord. This ceremony commemorates the night that the Lord sacrificed many Egyptian children to himself.
- On all Jewish Holidays, you are to eat pickles, rye bread, and bagels. Other foods are unacceptable.
- On Rosh Hashana, all Jews should get smashed on Kosher Wines and eat Kosher Cheeses. The Lord will be pleased with this. If you fail to get smashed on Kosher Wine, the Lord will smite you.
- Do not celebrate the holidays of other religions. The Lord is displeased with your Hannakah Bush. Make your children suffer by celebrating only Jewish Holidays.
Jude Laws on War
The mighty Jewish General Adam Sandler wrote the Jude Laws on waging war. Sandler was most famous for his no-nonsense demeanor and his ruthless fighting methods. Jews across the world adopted Sandler's Laws of War as a vital part of the Jude Law in 1968. Ever since, the Jews have become a lean mean fighting machine, taking no prisioners, and kicking ass all over the Middle East.
- Destroy the seven Arab nations.
- Not to let any of them remain alive.
- Wipe out the descendants of Hezbollah.
- Not to offer peace to Lebanon and Palestine while besieging them.
- Not to panic and retreat during battle unless first directed to do so by the President of the United States.
- To stand idly by if someone's life is in danger. Especially if that person is a German, a Muslim or Mel Gibson.
- To murder. Especially to murder Germans and Muslims.
- Bomb convoys. Bomb them to hell.
- Attack hospitals, schools, and other public buildings where terrorists are likely to hide.
- The Lord has promised you your homeland. Kill everyone in and around it who is not a Jew. For a good list of Jews refer to the Hannaka Song, written by General Adam Sandler.
- Repeat after me "The Star of David is not a Japansese Throwing Star".
Other Jude Laws
- He must not eat the California Raisins
- Carry out the laws of interdicting possessions sperm
- Not to sell the sperm
- Not to redeem the sperm
- Not to plant diverse seeds together. *nudge nudge wink wink*
- Not to leave the Temple unguarded because the Muslims will take it.
- To follow the procedure of the peace offering which shall include firing missles, bombing thy neighbors, building walls, and use of ground troops.
- To set aside the firstborn Egyptian males, so that the Lord may smite them
- Observe the laws of impurity caused by a woman's herpes
- Observe the laws of impurity caused by a man's herpes
- Observe the laws of impurity of a seminal emission (regular ejaculation, with normal semen
- Observe the laws of impurity concerning Mel Gibson.
- Not to steal money stealthily. Please, steal it openly, so that others know that you are wealthier than they are.
- To move a boundary marker to steal someone's property
- To withhold wages or fail to repay a debt. It's your money. Keep it.
- To covet and scheme to acquire another's possession, especially if you can make money by selling that possession on e-bay.
- To desire another's possession
- Not to Return the robbed object or its value
- Not to ignore a lost object
- Not to Return the lost object
- To accept monetary restitution for anything. Always accept money.
- To overcharge for a bagel
- To underpay for a bagel
- Not to Pay wages
- To delay payment of wages
- The worker must not eat bagels while working
- Press the idolater for payment. You can never have too much money.
- To lend with interest rates that would make the Italian Mafia look cheap.
- The courts must carry out the death penalty of gassing
- The courts must carry out the death penalty of burning
- Burn the executed on the day they are killed
- Judges must accept bribes
- Not to curse any upstanding Jew, especially if he has more money than you, or can eat more bagels than you.
- The king must not have too many bagels.
- The king must not have too many horses and may not have sex with his sheep.
- The king must have silver and gold and lots of it.
- The king must not share his bagels with lesser men.