July 31: Feast of St. Leslie Nielsen (Uncyclopedia)
- 781 - The oldest redorced eruption of noted volcano Mt. Fuji occurs, raining the Japanese countryside with scorched lenses and bits of charred film.
- 1498 - Christopher Columbus, on his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, still refuses to ask for directions to India.
- 1588 - The Spanish Armada is spotted off of England; very few were expecting said Inquisition.
- 1919 - Germany's Weimar Constitution and Other Fables is penned.
- 1921 - The International Astronomical and Astrological Society dubs Gemini (pictured) to be the most revered of all constellations.
- 1947 - Jingo Grand Championship: India headbutts the UK negating its win of 1858. Mahatma Gandhi is named player of the year and becomes the first to claim "I'm going to Disney World".
- 1951 - V.S. Pritchett publishes Mr. Beluncle, which quickly became a minor classic among English readers, yet was not well supported by American critics who responded with silly faces and much brow-furrowing.
- 1992 - Harry Potter is born.
- 3491 - Third Robot invasion of U.S. capital Grand Forks, North Dakota is repelled by soldiers under the leadership of president George Bush XXVI.