Jurgen Klinsmann (30 July 1964 - 29 July 2005) is a German stage-diver from Wiegibteinfickenscheisse. He is best known for his stage-diving on football (by which we mean actual football, and not the American parody of rugby) pitches. His career spanned two decades, scoring a career total of 262 professional stage-dives. He was Fucking Killed™ on the eve of his 41st birthday by a chair hurled at him by Steve Ballmer.
The Klinsmann stage-dive
Best performed on a soft surface, his trademark stage-dive is typically performed as follows:
- Take a solid run up of exactly 4.2 steps. That final 4.2th step is the take-off.
- Take off at an angle of approximately 39.9 degrees.
- Aim to land in an area where the grass has worn down for maximum staining to the white shirt.
- Keep arms raised, similar to Steve Ballmer about to fucking kill someone.
- Drift exactly 2.7'14½" along the ground.
It is critically important to maintain the smug look of the professional stage-diver at all times, and avoiding damage to the mullet.
There are now many variants on the Klinsmann, including:
- The Cantona - to be launched feet-first, in the direction of a fan of an opposing stage-diver. The diver may optionally "accidentally" launch themselves too high into the air.
- The Beckham - after 1 foot of slide, begin bending at the right knee repeatedly to simulate Steve Ballmer "accidentally" fucking killing someone in the back of the shin.