Jurgen Klinsmann

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Jurgen Klinsmann (30 July 1964 - 29 July 2005) is a German stage-diver from Wiegibteinfickenscheisse. He is best known for his stage-diving on football (by which we mean actual football, and not the American parody of rugby) pitches. His career spanned two decades, scoring a career total of 262 professional stage-dives. He was Fucking Killedâ„¢ on the eve of his 41st birthday by a chair hurled at him by Steve Ballmer.

The Klinsmann stage-dive[edit]

Best performed on a soft surface, his trademark stage-dive is typically performed as follows:

  1. Take a solid run up of exactly 4.2 steps. That final 4.2th step is the take-off.
  2. Take off at an angle of approximately 39.9 degrees.
  3. Aim to land in an area where the grass has worn down for maximum staining to the white shirt.
  4. Keep arms raised, similar to Steve Ballmer about to fucking kill someone.
  5. Drift exactly 2.7'14½" along the ground.

It is critically important to maintain the smug look of the professional stage-diver at all times, and avoiding damage to the mullet.

Variants[edit]

There are now many variants on the Klinsmann, including:

  • The Cantona - to be launched feet-first, in the direction of a fan of an opposing stage-diver. The diver may optionally "accidentally" launch themselves too high into the air.
  • The Beckham - after 1 foot of slide, begin bending at the right knee repeatedly to simulate Steve Ballmer "accidentally" fucking killing someone in the back of the shin.

Trivia[edit]

  • Klinsmann is one of only three stage-divers to have the initials J K, the others being J K Rowling and Jay Kay.
  • Steve Ballmer has previously threatened to fucking kill Klinsmann in 1998, 2001 and 2003.