Juvenile
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Irritatus Scribbulus Juvenilus, better known as Juvenile, is a lesser known Roman historian whose surviving work has only reached us this century after two thousand years of justified neglect. He was also the founder of the Urinal School of Poetry and Philosophy.
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[edit] The Writing Is On the Bathroom Wall
Juvenile - the son Juvenal who was a Roman poet/historian/odd-job-man around-the-villa , grew up in Egypt where his father had been exiled for writing a rude biography of the Roman Emperor Hadrian. Juvenile's home town of Latrinus is said to have inspired him to become a writer like his famous father but - judging by what survives - he seems to have been a terrible hack. He was later to allege that all his best work was stolen by his Greek friend Plagiarius (who gave us the verb 'to plagiarise') - a comment that was preserved for years on a lavatory wall in Rome until it was Vandalised by the Vandals in 455 A.D.
[edit] Latin and Latrines
It wasn't long before Juvenile ran out of toilet cubicles, urinals and other places to write his pithy comments. He even employed his sister Juvenilia to help to continue the work in places where he - an irritating spotty youth - could not go. Soon Juvenile's work became known around the Roman world where it was given the name of 'Latrinal Humour' by the Greek speaking philosophical bore called Epidermalus . This so upset Juvenile's father that he died 'the Roman Way' by laying down in the path of a chariot race in Alexandria.
[edit] Fame, Fortune and Farting
Juvenilus was soon invited to Rome by the otherwise very bearded and serious Emperor Marcus Aurelius. Perhaps unware of some of Juvenile's habits - he gave him his son Commodus as a pupil and soon the pair were writing their lurid comments all over the city. Surprised Roman citizens were therefore able to read a lot of what were called 'Fartorial' jokes about the best way to make a noise at a banquet and that vestal virgins wore no underwear when they performed their sacred rituals. Soon these jokes were labelled 'Huh ! - Juvenile' - and the name stuck .
[edit] Me and My Mate Commode
When Juvenile's chum Commodus became the new Roman Emperor in 180.AD - he promoted his old friend to the post of 'Primus Inter Fartus' - first amongst bottom belchers in other words. This allowed Juvenile to write all his best works on tiled bathrooms in the Roman Empire. In fact he got so used to this method of writing that Juvenile found that once presented with a blank roll of papyrus - his penis jokes, big breast drawings and a crude asinine sense of humour all vanished .
'It was very disturbing' - so he was to write in his autobiography ( a fragmentary work found in ruined loo in Carthage) - ' that once I sat down to be funny - I just totally lost it and started to be serious. I knew this wouldn't do as Commodus didn't do 'serious' at all.'
[edit] You're Not Funny Anymore Irritatus Scribbulus Juvenilus
Like many before him - Juvenilus fortunes suddenly dipped when Commodus refused to laugh at his joke about the coprological habits of the German tribes. Despite Juvenile expelling air from his bum all night to add to the story - the emperor sat stony faced throughout Juvenile's sinking (and stinky) performance. Unknown to Juvenile - Commodus had taken against 'Fartorialism' and 'Faecalism' and preferred now to get his kicks by torturing his opponents and gutting wild animals in the Colosseum.
As Juvenile relates (on a wall in Londinium) : -
" The emperor made a gesture to the guards which I knew meant my instant death in the audience chamber. I tried to think of something that would it at least make the tyrant laugh - and then i remembered the joke about his sister Cruella having the biggest arse in Rome. I saw the flicker of a smile on Commodus's face and then he said that - 'in memory of the fun we had before as kids' - I was to be banished to a disused legionary lavatory on the Rhine frontier. There he said I would have plenty of Germans to keep amused - as long as I didn't tell them that joke".
[edit] Flushed Away
Juvenile's punishment is the last we actually hear of him. Whether he died in this particular toilet or not - isn't recorded by other Roman historians - either in books,scrolls or stone tablets - or even an old lavatory wall. His sister Juvenilia - as records relate - became a Christian and died a martyr . Her childish written works were hailed as inspired by God and - with an unexpected irony - she became the patron saint of toilet cleaners. Saint Juvenilia's day used to be kept as a feast celebrated at her Church of the Holy Convenience in Rome by both the Catholic and Orthodox dominations - until the Vatican ran a 'saint inventory ' and discovered that her martyrdom was bogus. In fact it seemed Juvenilia had really died in 'full sin mode' whilst sharing a couch with Commodus.
[edit] Legacy
Despite the loss of most of Juvenile's works - a number of examples were written down in the margins of a number of subsequent medieval manuscripts by Monks - and even Nuns). It seems the holy brothers and sisters enjoyed Juvenile's work which probably came as a welcome break from making endless copies of illustrated bibles for psychopathic princes and bombastic bishops.
[edit] Footnotes
- The best summary of Juvenile's pitiful works can be found in the 'HarperCollins Edited Collection of Roman Filth ' (2004) . Otherwise you can wade through the word for word translation in Loeb's 'Latrinal Poetica' series.
- Plagiarius went on to copy a lot of other people's work and passing if off as his until he was undone by a piece that led to a rapid removal of the head.
- Sniffy historians say this spread of Juvenile's infamy later inspired the Germanic tribes to trash the Roman Empire in the fifth century.
- Probably there were additions by what are also called by a later writers known as 'Pseudo Juvenile' and the anonymous Italian author Graffiticus .
- Juvenilia's supposed martydom saw her suffering tortures from the Romans including boiling her ears and hanging her from a picture rail. Dante said Juvenilia's story inspired him to become a pre-Renaissance stalker after he met Beatrice.
- Traditionally in the Roman Catholic when a Saint was 'degraded' (Sanctus Degradus) their statues , icons, written works or 'lives' as recorded were burnt as deceptions of the devil. In Juvenilia's case - all her statues are now kept in a cupboard in the Vatican along with bits and pieces belonging to Pope Joan.
[edit] See Also
- Toilet
- Toilet Duck
- Saints
- Roman Empire
- Uncyclopedia - pretty much most of it !
